Toxic friends

[Limetreeclose]

Dd 15 was in a group of five friends and had a best friend within the group. A few months ago, 3 girls in the group (one of them being her bestie) started ignoring DD and other girl. They were unwilling to say why they were doing this. This seemed to blow over and things returned to normal.

Fast forward a couple of months and exactly the same has happened again. The three girls wouldn't tell dd and other girl what their "crime" was. However, they just run away laughing whenever see dd and other excluded girl.
DD and remaining friend have done the only thing possible in such a situation and have started to forge new friendships with others.

Now DD' s former best friend who effectively dumped her out of loyalty to the Queen Bee of the group has told her she will never forgive Dd as dd doesn't talk to her much as she talks to other people.

I am ripping my hair out with this. DD is expected to just be happy with being effectively ostracised but apparently isn't allowed to move on.

I think your DD has acted very maturely under the circumstances. Friendships at that age are hard and she shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of her “best friend” being too weak to stand up to the rest of the group.

I would advise her to maintain her maturity while making it clear to her BF why she found other friends. Having said that, I would also advise her to continue a friendship (albeit a careful one) with her BF on the proviso that the past is forgotten and their friendship moving forward should/can include other friends. If BF continues to act unreasonably then your DD should walk away and continue to make new friends.

It sounds a bit like your DD’s BF is weak and easily lead rather than purely mean. She may be feeling jealous and doesn’t know how how to rectify the situation. Either way, the above would test her loyalty to your DD. X

Thank you Liverpool for your advice. I do appreciate it. Her former best friend is still hanging out with the Queen Bee at school and therefore not spending any time with DD at school at all. I feel loathe to encourage to her maintain her friendship with former bestie as I think that dd would be setting the bar too low by just accepting such disloyal behaviour.

What former bestie would like is to hang out with Queen Bee at school and just see DD after school/weekends. She has spend a lot of time at our house previously. I think that bestie is a bit of a user in this respect as she won't stand up for DD, but is ok to have her as a back up option to fill in time when she is bored outside school.

You're right in that bestie is weak, rather than being randomly spiteful. She just doesn't want to go against Queen Bee.

Oh I see. I completely agree with you. Your DD needs to make it clear to her that she’s either her friend or not and if there’s something in the way in school then the friendship can’t be worth that much to BF.

You must be very proud of your DD for making the effort to forge new friendships. It takes real courage to not chase after old friends that have lost interest. In my experience too, the ones who have a mind of their own are the ones who “queen bee” turns against. I hope she makes some really nice true friends. X

Thank you so much Liverpool. I am really proud of her in her efforts to keep going into school and doing her best to solidify a new friendship circle.

She has come home today saying that the three "Mean girls" have been putting on Social Media lots of messages about "Knowing who their true friends are". So cruel and unnecessary.

This is a really good opportunity to discuss with your dd how relationships naturally move on.

She most likely hasn’t done anything apart from making one of the group envious over something.

Regarding her old bestie, I’d tell her not get carried away with the emotional drama of it all and concentrate on school work as it will blow over.

Actually Dancingleopard that is very sound advice. I think that I am possibly contributing to the emotional drama myself by over worrying about it. I think that I should be playing it down more to DD. You are right as I am sure it will blow over and the girls will all just forge new alliances.

I think that all DD and her friend have been guilty of is not blindly going along with Queen Bee's wishes from what DD's old bestie has let slip. Not submissive enough I think!

It does sound from your post that you’re more upset about it than she is! She seems to have handled it with dignity and aplomb. She’ll be fine.

I'll give myself a talking to Angelfish! I've just no real life experience of all this. My secondary school friends were all kind, considerate souls and we're still all friends now, decades later! This is new territory for me...

she will never forgive Dd as dd doesn't talk to her much as she talks to other people.

The answer that is “well
That’s you decision” and walk away.

These girls are trying to manipulate you DD. Sounds like your DD is dealing with it pretty well.

I wouldn’t be encouraging the bestie relationship though. She sounds like a coward.

Very wise words AmazingPostVoices. I think previous bestie is a coward. Galling that she is acting like my DD has done her an injustice. I think that Queen Bee has played it well as she has separated dd from bestie which was probably what she wanted anyway.

Your DD sounds very mature, Op, just keep encouraging her to make new friends and continue studying, the next year (assuming she is YR 10) is so important, plus friendships change anyway as they mature in the 16-18 bracket.

Having said that, my almost 18yo DD befriended a girl prior to YR 7 - she was the only child from her small primary going to our high school & the college manager - whom we knew from DS already being at high school - asked us to contact this girl and arrange a couple of meetings so said girl knew someone in her form at start of term.

Although my DD was less academic, so not in many lessons together, the 2 stayed friends all the way through school. DD moved to college at 16 with others she knew, but still remained friends with this girl, and often went out for catch up meals with her and others.

DD was telling us last night that she has not heard from this girl for months, wasn't invited to celebrate her 18th in the autumn, and hadn't had any congratulations when she passed her driving test on Thursday (despite putting it on usual teenage SM!). I think DD was quite hurt at this last point, the other girl passed yonks ago, so knows what it's like to gain that independence, such a milestone.

DD was quite philosophical about the friendship, and has kept in touch with others who stayed at school 6th form, but I find it sad that the two of them are going to completely lose touch. Even though DD is not going uni and other girl is, I know from DSs group (mixed boys and girls) that renewing school friendships in hols is important.

Stay calm Op, this stage will pass!

DD is younger but we have had similar, and if anyone says anything mean etc to her I have told her to just say "that's unkind" or "i'm not interested in talking to you about this" and walk off. Takes the wind out of their sales if nothing else.

Girls friendships are hard aren't they

For anyone interested I can recommend and really good book called queen bees and wannabes

You can order it from amazon.
It explains the girl dynamic and it's full of advice

Teenage girls are so horrible aren't they. I remember having similar at school at the same age, and it's awful having to go into school and face it every day.

Someone told my mum that around year 10 they do grow out of it and calm down, and I remember I just hung on to that and waited for it all to blow over. So hopefully over the course of this year they'll grow up a bit and find something more entertaining to occupy themselves with! But I think your DD is doing the right thing, she just needs to keep out of their way and spend time with other people who are behaving reasonably.

Sophiesdog11. Sorry to hear that your DD has been let down. It is disappointing when friends you have had for a long time seem to disappear. I am sure that you are right about things changing when they are 16 - 18. My DD is more academically inclined than Queen Bee, so they would probably chosen different places to study in Year 12 I imagine.

The Handmaids Tale: Sounds like very good advice you have given your DD. Just don't engage with mean person.

madeyemoodysmum Thank you for the book recommendation. I am going to order that on Kindle. This is exactly what I need: a manual on how to deal with mean girls!

darceybussell Thank you for your kind and reassuring words. I am doing my best to make sure DD doesn't retaliate on Social Media as I know she is sorely tempted.

Thank you all for your great advice. When I think how much people spend on therapists to deal with difficult situations, I am greatly touched by the generosity of people giving their time to offer words of wisdom to a complete stranger. You just got to love Mumsnet!

Just one last question. Should I advise DD to take mean girls off her Instagram, Snapchat etc? I think that she is worried that this will look hostile to mean girls and cause strife. However it might be better dd didn't have to read all their messages about "knowing who their true friends are" etc

She could just stop following them on Facebook, should reduce what she sees from them and also she can change her own security settings so they see less of her online activity. Not sure about Instagram but I expect there's a halfway house measure she could take without defriending totally.

Your daughter has dealt with this really well. I'd tell her to either come off social media so she can't see their pathetic life quotes or to do a big cull - which make spark drama if the girls are as immature as they sound

Thank you both. I will look into the idea of settings so that she can't see their posts. I doubt she will agree to coming off Social Media. I think the addiction to it is too strong! I suspect she will possibly be too scared to cull mean girls from her list due to fear of the backlash it may lead to.