Bad feeling for friend in new relationship

[lolaflores]

My very good friend of decades standing has not had the best record with her choices in men. Spectacularly bad and it is something we have talked about together. I have never given her advice or said LTB, just listened and supported her the best I can.
She lives in another country, we Message frequently. In recent years she has had one rotten situation after another but over the last 8 months or so, has had a break from dating etc.
Last weekend she met a guy on a night out and it has gone from 0 to 60 in a few days. Not sure if DTD but all the romance. Walks on beaches. 5 hour conversations. So on, so romantic.
However. She sent me a pic of him and I got the most awful feeling about him. Whether thats based on her previous form for not very nice men or the flat dead eyes staring out at me I don't know.
Is there any point telling her what I think as I have never met him?
He is so handsome, big and gorgeous it would only be a rock that wouldn't fancy him but there is something in his eyes....Oh God it made me go cold.
I am worried for her but she is so excited and happy....oh dear. Don't know what to do if anything.

Nothing you can do but wait and support from the sidelines.

Ask her to send more pics to see if he looks as bad on all or just that one, but keep it to yourself for now.

If you know his full name have you tried to Google him?

She sent two pics and he was heart stoppingly handsome in both but had a smile that didn't go to his eyes. Plus the size of him. He is about 8 feet wide.
I hope she falls out of the cloud of romance quickly. She has been treated so badly in the past and each time she meets someone, I hope and hope she has met someone really nice. But it never happens.

I don't know his name but I did wonder about a big of a dig into his background. She told me he has just moved to her area from a big city in another country. Seperated. Kids. All of which make me wonder.
He doesn't know a soul in the tplace he moved to. She didn't seem to know a hell of a lot about him given they spoke for 5 hours. But then she maybe isn;t as nosey as I am.
Would you want to know their job, where they have come from quite early on? Is that nosey in a conversation? Or is that just me

All you can do is support her and tell her to be cautious not to give him any money and use protection. I've had friends like this, and being a good judge of character, I would usually tell them straight away whether I was unsure about them. Of course they never listened, and 9/10 times I've been right. Just try not to get caught up in the drama of it. If they're full of it within a few days of meeting, I wouldn't be surprised if it burns out within a month.

I would say that if a guy who has his own children has moved far from his children then unless it is for a very good job that is a red flag and a big concern. It is that that would need clarifying to my mind.

He has uprooted a considerable distance and his kids look quite young. It all seems a bit off. The whole scenario is an exact repeat of all her previous ones. The big romantic start followed by revelations of nasty individuals beh8nd the mask.
Despite all this she still has fa8th, which is good but she attracts real horrors.

It sounds like he has run away to escape responsibilities and start over. So not looking good. Either that or he is on the run!

When my ST saw the pic he asked had whether the guy was just released from prison!. Just this look about him. A thuggish look about him.

My husband. Not my ST. 😣

Isn't there a way to check his photo on Google or something?

wow, how nice of you to judge someone from his looks. Are you serious?

Seems it’s just me, but I don’t think judging him purely on his flat dead eyes is the way to go

Yes, your friend seems to have dived in, but that needs to be a general conversation.

I don’t like getting my photo taken. Maybe I look shady.

My OH looks angry in his photos but is the nicest guy you'll ever meet.

Point taken about judging based on a pic which is unfair, and I am not unaware of that and I hope I am proven wrong. I will be more than happy to eat my hat later. . But given her previous decisions i feel a bit concerned

Given that she has already acknowledged to you that she has made bad choices in the past, I think it's perfectly okay to tell you to take her time with this. You don't have to say anything directly negative about him, just remind her that it's better not to rush things. If he's a decent man, it won't do any harm. I'm not sure it will help much, but it might just help her notice if he's trying to push against her boundaries.

Two people told me there was something very off about my future husband. I was so grateful to them years later as I battled to get out of my horrific marriage.

I think you can say something, as you've previously discussed her bad choices. But be prepared she may distance herself from you. Does she have people around her who care for her?

She's going to need to do some work around her unflinching choices to date. Even people who have done the minimum work know that love bombing at the start is a major red flag - aside from him leaving his kids!

Get her Lundy Bancroft's book and insist she does some work or you're going to refuse to let her out for her own health. Joking of course - if only we could...

Springydaff we share very good friends who are near her. I am sure they will say something if they feel as I do. I won't say it to them, just let things roll out.
In the last two years I have gently suggested she considers therapy for herself as she caretakes everyone else around her but doesn't do much for herself in terms of self care.
She loses herself in romance and sex (blunt but it is a high priority for her and she is very honest about saying that.) Those are her nutrients.

I would love to just grab her and plop her into a kind of therapy retreate for love addicts. On a desert island.

Yes!

There's SLAA. Go with her if you must. I hear very very good reports

And CoDA (here if she's not in the UK).

I'd lay off with 'gently suggesting' though. Go in full throttle, I should.

YOu know what...that sounds just up her street. My2nd friend has rang me with the same concerns following a face to face conversation with 1st friend and a look at the photos.

This 0 to 60 wooing looks like love bombing which, combined with her form, is probably why your spidey senses are tingling.

5 hour conversations and she doesn't know that much about him? Sounds like she's filling the time giving him information about herself.

Turns out. He was an arsehole. Really horrible piece of work who went from lovely to prick in the time it takes to drik 5 pints. Verbally abusive. Then next day lots of texts and calls saying they has got off to a ad start. She has left him to it and has blocked his number

You can advise her to slow down, hold back and remember what’s happened in the past .
I’m curious why you’ve not advised her in the past? If my close friends saw me heading for a car crash relationship I’d be pretty pissed off if they didn’t mention it. Great that you support het, but maybe be a bit more active ?

We have talked about her past relationships but she seems to find herself involved with unpleasant men. The kind of men who treat women very badly. She has asked d if it means she has to be single for the rest of her life? Asked in the course of a conversation I mean.
I said that therapy might be the answer. She didn't seem drawn to that.

Thank goodness he showed his colours early.