Dutiful family get togethers

[PookieDo]

This is relationships because I’m really struggling to find a balance and didn’t want to risk AIBU!

I have 2 teen DC who marginally tolerate being seen in public where we live with me . I’m a ‘young mum’ so Just about get away with it i their eyes. When it’s just us 3, it’s fine.

It is when we involve wider family that the problems start.

My Dsis has 2 very small children. My Dsis and I appreciate that not all the DC are same ages so don’t hang out every weekend. A lot of the places she takes her DC I’ve already been a million times when mine were little so I don’t always join in so mine aren’t bored.

The issue is my mother. She gets very hurt if I was to see my sister & DC without her. I also think she has no idea about what teenagers would want to be interested in doing.

She has mobility problems and on this basis nearly all of the activities are ruled out. This leaves us with a very small number of things to do (lunch, small scale shopping, sitting in each other’s houses). She will also invite me to local events that just do not interest my DC (craft fairs) I end up dutifully dragging them along so she isn’t lonely. She also wants to do something EVERY weekend.

I feel bad when I say no but I really don’t want to see her every weekend! I know she is lonely but seeing her is making my DC resent spending time with her as it’s so dull and restrictive. She is so repetitive and uses the time we spend together to tell me all about herself over and over. FYI - she’s not old herself

Anyone else in this parent trap?

No thankfully but I can see how it would come about!

Your poor DC, they must be bored stiff! I could understand if it was a couple of times a month but every weekend is way too much. They need to to develop their own interests and activities.

If you were less available to your DM then she might start to develop her own interests/social circle, which sounds like it would be beneficial to you all.

You really don't have to see family this often if you don't want to. Many, quite happy and functional, families only get together ever few months through choice or necessity. While I think it's great for kids to get to know grandparents, they are individuals and how they want to spend their weekends carries its own weight. Personally I would do what suits the wider family but much more seldom.

Can you visit her without your dcs?

Encourage her to get out and about more. Is there a local WI, knot and natter, book club etc she can join. Or a club for the over-60s etc in the area? There’s also local National Grust groups that do days out. Maybe she could join these types,of groups.

Also, don’t tell her when you are meeting your sister!

Your mum sounds like mine. She got jealous when we met up with my DSis and her family. Our DCs are a similar age and they always have a ball when they're together. My DM thought we should have invited her to join us. Even worse, we invited our 19 year old French au pair. But we knew that our DM was due to visit them the following weekend.

Now I'm very low contact with my DM. It's the only way I can cope with her.

You need to establish some boundaries.

Your Mum is possibly younger than me .

The issue is that she wants to spend so much time with you! It really isn't all that normal to spend so much time with your parents when you reach adulthood. Have a look at your teens now ... would you honestly expect them to give up part of their weekend to you EVERY weekend?

I’ve tried being less available but I suspect it makes it worse because she wants to ‘catch up’ on everything when I do go. If I go alone I ain’t never getting out of there for many hours... I probably take the kids because then she can visibly see we’ve all had enough and can leave!

Given up trying to see my sister alone as she just gets all pitiful about it if she does find out and sends sad texts about missing the children.

I’ve also tried encouraging her to make friends - she has a very small limited friendship group but will only socialise if she’s invited to something first.

I don’t think it’s normal either but why do I feel so guilty about it?

I hope my dcs will like each other enough to meet up without us.

Because she's primed you to feel guilty about it! You're trapped in the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Would you treat your kids like that? No, thought not. So why allow her to let you feel guilty?

I found that telling my mum they were doing something with school - drama, sport, duke of Edinburgh, revision etc worked because school is “important” and must always come first.

Maybe you can visit every week on your own and once a month take the kids? When you visit on your own you can make excuses that you have to leave because X has to be at Y by Z. You are going to have to be honest and tell her that your kids are teenagers now and have their own lives to live and whilst they love her, all teenagers are a bit selfish. Sympathise with her and say that they are out and about all the time now they are older and you don't get to have much quality time with them. She seems to feel she is missing out, so if she hears that you are missing out, maybe she won't feel left out, iykwim.

I didn’t contact her all weekend. I feel so bloody guilty about it too! I should have text her but I feel like I am emotionally detached from her more and more nowadays. She drains me.

I said thanks but no thanks to her request to do something this weekend and that the DC wanted time at home or doing something active. On a boiling hot day who would want to sit in your nanna’s house?! She replied with what felt like a snippy comment.

As I took my DC out this weekend it was a very active trip, lots walking and hot. Also my oldest DC is at a very difficult stroppy age and the first half of the trip was pretty crap with teenage moodiness and me trying to do something enjoyable and all I could think was THANK GOD I DIDNT INVITE HER.

She makes my parenting so much harder by wading in and getting over involved in anything with my DC. She doesn’t understand the dynamic we have between myself and the DC which she doesn’t approve of. Also she uses guilt trips on them to try to coerce them into being ‘nice to your mother’ which is not the way I operate. And I feel like I am looking after all 3 of them at the same time!

Sorry just venting 😂

I mean do you just tolerate things that drive you mad in your parents? My DC and I tend to tell each other when we are being annoying, it can cause some tension but usually the annoying person says sorry and we move on. I feel like I can’t say anything to my mother and she doesn’t understand social cues, my body language or anything when she is droning on

• Talking about work colleagues incessantly, intimately (!) and a lot of speculating about them
• taking me through everything she’s been eating lately
• having strong political views I don’t agree with, and being very ranty about them and ignorant
• Talks incessantly and in depth about every TV show she’s ever watched
• tells me about people I don’t know/will never meet
• tells me all the movements of her neighbours
• tells me confidential things from Work
• can make racist comments
• obsession with my dad who she is divorced from for 20 years and just asks the same questions over and over
• doesn’t join in any convo unless it’s a topic she is interested in or started
• interrupts normal conversations with all of the above

sounds like hard work OP ... every weekend ?

sounds like she's got some kind of MH issues?

I think going low contact is very fair. See her once every couple of weeks: time limit her (an hour say). With DGC, perhaps once a month seems reasonable, either visiting for an hour or very short outing.

Its unfair of her to demand to see you and DGC every weekend and inflict all the above on you at the same time. However, if she has no self-awareness she will not see this.

You will just have to enforce your boundaries and she will just have to accept them.

She really does sound like my DM, and I'm very low contact with her now. I haven't made any big statement to her about it, I just don't contact her much and surprisingly she's backed off too. Sometimes it's easier than you think it will be.

It’s the guilt more than anything, both my parents very demanding that we DO feel guilty for choosing to be low contact.

I did have a bit of a breakthrough with her a few years ago with her demands and behaviour, but it took for me to reach breaking point for it to happen. I honestly felt like killing her in that moment. Still to this day she won’t really accept her part in things because I am always painted as ‘difficult and abrasive’ because I usually end up snapping when she doesn’t take any hints or more gentle communication. Then she will have an emotional breakdown and make us feel more guilty, vow to change, talk about herself even more, rewrite all of history and then I just want more distance from her.

If it’s a mental illness then I don’t know what it is. She’s so clingy but as kids... didn’t do a single thing with us! I don’t really remember much about her in my childhood, she was always a victim though. Lots of bad stuff happened - to ME and she never protected me. Now if I was to bring any of that trauma up she behaves like it happened to her too which is bizarre.

My Dsis is so resentful recently which is why she is avoiding her