My husband left me and our baby, he suffers with depression

[IfItMeansAlotToYou]

Hi.

I'm looking for advise or any experience that people can give me.

Me and my husband have been together since we were 14, we have been together for 13 years and married for almost 4. We have a 17 month old son too.

2 weeks ago he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and he hasn't for a long time. He said he wants us to get a divorce and that the only thing he feels when he looks at me is guilt for letting this go on and not having the guts to tell me sooner. I was completely in shock and couldn't believe what I was hearing. He has been distant for months now but when I spoke to him he just told me that he was tired (he doesn't sleep well at all), and that he feels low (he has depression, I didn't realise how bad as he wouldn't go to the doctors as he was scared that it would impact his progression at work). I have been taking baby steps with him to get back to the doctors as he is not on any medication.

I 100% believe him when he says he hasn't got anyone else. I mean he is trying to make me mad at him and says it would be easier for him if I hated him so he has nothing to loose in telling me. In fact he said that he wishes he had cheated on me becuase then I would stop loving him.

He is distant with our baby too, he has only ever given him one bath in his whole life, he barely plays with him and forces himself to be upbeat around him. He later told me that it's my fault, that I've made him depressed and anxious and the idea of living this lie has made him consider ending his life. I am utterly in shock and so it all of our friends and family (that we have told). They all think that he is mentally ill. We have always been best friends and such an amazing team. He is saying that we fight all the time (we really dont), that he avoids me at all costs (he always asks if we can match our days off and if I can get home early to him when he's off work). He's now added that he thinks I'm so gorgeous (but doesn't fancy me), he's says I'm so strong (but the doesn't really like me as a person). He is trying to make moves to sell the house and pay off depts so that he can move on. He says he has no interest in saving out relationship and will not go to relationship counciling for myself or our baby. He even says that he feels happier now I have left the home (I'm at my mum's with our son and he has our house).

He is not getting therapy through work, but he has not been to the GP.

He seems so sound minded but this is so out of character, he is kind, loving, funny and loyal. I just cannot make sense of this. All he says is that he's fallen out of love and being around me is causing his depression and anxiety. I just don't know what to do, I can't imagine not been with him but he seems so sure dispite his mental health.

"He later told me that it's my fault, that I've made him depressed and anxious and the idea of living this lie has made him consider ending his life"

That's a terrible thing to say to you and he is clearly not the kind and supportive man you thought he was. How is this your fault, you seem to have been nothing but supportive to him despite him not wanting to go to the doctors (very telling that also).

It is NOT your fault he is the ways he is, you did not make him this way. He is also responsible for his own actions here. I did wonder if there is another woman around somewhere too.

I would seek legal advice re the property and divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour asap because forewarned is forearmed. You do not have to immediately act on that but knowledge here is power and he seems to be well ahead of you on that score. I can understand why you and baby left the familial home but in hindsight he should have been the one to leave.

I don't think you can 'cause' depression in another person, so don't feel guilty about that. But I think you have to allow him his feelings and let him go. It doesn't really matter why he wants out, but he wants out.

I cannot diagnose anyone with a mental illness via a computer but honestly he sounds mostly disillusioned with life and wants to be free. Blaming you is a good cop out and because you want to keep your family together you want to hope this is just an illness that will pass. I honestly think that you will never regain the trust for him - even if he turned around tomorrow and begged you back, you would always be wondering when/if he would flip back, wouldn’t you?

You don’t deserve to be messed around like this. I think you may have to start accepting that this is who he is, and what he is saying is how he feels and move you life on. He obviously finds being a husband and a father too stressful and he sounds resentful towards you about the baby, and all the pressure he’s under.

He is trying to make you hate him so it’s easier for him to deal with. In the meantime it’s jusr cruel to you. Follow through with the house sale and build your own life - that is what you deserve, he clearly doesn’t want this life and is horribly unfair on your child too. I think clinging to hope is not your best option, focus on your child and a stable home life and leave him to deal with his own problems. You can’t fix him

I'm so sorry as it must be a shock but I suspect he has hit an age when he realises he wants more.
You are both very young and have settled down really early so its likely that he is having "what ifs" which is the risk of meeting someone at such a young age.

Its a shame he didn't have the epiphany before you became parents but it is possible to be separated and raise a child well, especially if no abuse or affairs.

I think its sadly something that he may need to go through, maybe he will regret it but maybe he won't.

for you OP. How awful. You deserve somebody to love you fully and not take you for granted. I hope with time you heal and find your way as a single parent and that one day the sun will shine on you again and you’ll find happiness again.

Thanks for your advise everyone. I'm just so so confused. He pushed for everything that we have built, the house, he proposed, he worked so much over time so that we could have our beautiful wedding. He/we were so desperate for our baby that I ended up having surgrey so that we could have him. Non of this makes sense to me.

Does it make more sense if you think perhaps it was what he 'thought' he wanted? That he wanted it desperately at the time, but now he has it he is thinking 'is this it? Is this what I worked for?'

Maybe he can just see life ticking along being same old same old for years and years into infinity?

It's not your job to change him. If this is how he thinks, let him go and find out that life is pretty much 'same old same old' whatever you are doing and whoever you are with. He might just have 'grass is greener' syndrome. And it's painful, when someone you have imagined living with forever turns round and tells you they've changed their mind, but you can't make him change it back.

OP I could be wrong but he sounds like he may be abit of a dreamer. With people like that they think the grass is greener on the other side and that they see some how missing out. I think he’ll lose you and his child and eventually realise what a mistake he’s make and it’ll all be too late.

are*

This is absolutely 100% in no way your fault. However, it is quite possible that he’s become depressed because he wants out. I think you would be giving yourself false hope to think it’s the depression causing his current feelings. He’s been honest and said he feels happier now your not there. I’m so sorry OP and it must be utterly devastating but it is over.

this sounds so similar to my situation. I know how your feeling Im just lost really. I feel so down right now. I get a strange impression that he doesnt want this permanent but does. Like he wont buy a bed for our son so he can stay with him. That would be a priorty wouldn't it? Then he asks if our son needs anything after stating he can't afford anything? Yesterday he was at mine and when I walked in he looked so tired worn and more stressed than ever. He says he's happier but that doesn't show. And he left saying see you later. With his head down. I feel hes depressed he's told me he wants to commit suicide frequently and is down and moody all the time snapping for all the wrong reasons. Doesn't engage with me and our son. He went the Drs and apparently told them everything but they deemed him not depressed?? I wish he could just wake up from this negative dark place he's in. We had it all. We were the couple everyone wanted to be. I just don't understand any of it

I really feel that his depression does add another layer to it all. Can I trust what he s saying? I know I seem like mug but I just can't believe that this is the same person. Non of this is like him