HELP PLEASE wise mumsnetterd

[ALittleBitConfused1]

I guess I'm just looking for people who have been through similar to tell me this is normal.
I'm a regular MN poster so I cba to nc.
Some of you may recognise my name and know a little from prev posts/threads.
I was in an abusive relationship (mentally, emotionally and verbally) that after weeks of harassment and mind games/emotional blackmail when I tried to end it then turned physically abusive.
My ex was a gaslighting, controlling alcoholic with a wicked temper, a nasty mouth and the ability to turn on me in the blink of an eye. I never really saw how bad the relationship was until I ended It after the very traumatic night when I actually thought, this is it I might not get out of this alive.
Obviously I pressed charges (we waited 6 months for the trial and during that time I managed to return to work and start therapy.
I did well, my therapist said she had never seen a client work so hard to get better.
The trial ended in a positive outcome and I continued with my therapy. It was intensive trauma counselling provided by WA and I embraced it. I had to I was in such a state.
I did all the things they advised. I was patient with myself. Got back into a sleeping pattern. I've sorted my finances. I've spent time with family and friends. I've made huge progress at work and I've made my house a lovely little home.
I 've worked on my boundaries, my idea of a healthy relationship. I've become assertive and balanced and I've looked at why I found myself in and couldn't get out of an abusive relationship. All good so far right.
As ive got better mentally ive struggled with physical Illness. Cold after cold so I've started to take regular exercise, vitamins and I've improved my diet. This is all helping. The thing is I'm approaching the 1st anniversary of that night and I'm struggling. I didn't expect to feel like this. But I'm just up and down. The bad dreams have returned and while I'm not having panic attacks I am experiencing some emotional anxiety I'm managing this using the techniques therapy taught me but I'm just so disappointed in myself.
I planned to spend the actual date doing something fun and nice but now I think about it and want to curl up in a ball. The memories are becoming more frequent and I really don't want to fall back into how I was after it happened.
I guess I just wanted some reassurance that this is ok. If anyone felt the same. It's like while I'm not thinking about it all consciously lots of little things, even the smell of a sunny morning (does that make sense) or a noise will trigger a memory.

Compared to your experience, I had a very easy and amicable separation and divorce from my Ex DH. It is only now, nearly 3 years later, that I am starting to feel mostly "normal" and sane again. I too have had therapy to work on boundary issues, my approach to relationships, my sense of self, etc.

So after getting out of a traumatic and abusive relationship, I would imagine that full recovery may take longer than this. There will be periods of time when you seem to go backwards - recovery is never a linear process. How long was your relationship? Are you able to have further therapy?

There is no set time after which you should be "over" it - everyone is different and will take different lengths of time to recover. However you're feeling and whatever it is that you need to do are ok. Be kind to yourself xx

Glad you're feeling better no more and thank you for the moral support.
That's the thing it was my shortest adult relationship. Only just under 2 years. So a lot of people, myself included,was expecting me to be over it by now.
It was a relatively short time but a very intense relationship (as ive learned these types usually are) I've never been one to rush into something but with him we were living together within 9 months and then the real hell begun. Everyday was like warfare abd hs jjust wouldnt leave. Even then i had to get the lovks changed as he refused to return my key. Looking back now I can see I was rail roaded/bullied into it moving so fast, hence the work on boundaries.
I'm not sure I want to do more therapy (I did 6 months) and felt that I wasn't really progressing much towards the end.
I'm hoping it's just this time of year, the thought of the anniversary of that final day and night.
I'm hoping it will pass but really wasn't expecting to feel this way. It's like I'm vulnerable, scared and feeling lost all over again.

Hi there Op,
I've been through similar to you, and just passed the 1 year anniversary of my leaving an incredibly abusive marriage back on March there. I had the same flashback/nightmares/ anxiety and what really helped me was using the techniques I had done on a mindfulness course I was referred to after leaving.
When you feel that old, anxious/fear returning, take a breath. Count down slowly from 8 on each exhale. Do some belly breaths. Catch a thought that is making you feel like that, i.e, "he is going to control me again" think about it, break it down. No, because you are the one with the control now. You decide what happens in your own life.
I found it cathartic to do that, go into another room (away from my kids) and make obscene gestures and swear violently!
Remember how strong you are to have walked away, to focus on yourself and taken the steps you have.
What you feel is normal, and every day/month/year it will get easier.
I'm bloody proud of you.

Thank you Toucan.
I think we should both be proud of ourselves. It's so hard isn't it.
I'm just sick of thinking about him and the things he did.
I guess I'm just disappointed. I was doing so well and this feels like a giant leap backwards.
But your experience and insight is really helpful in me understand that this is all normal.

You have done so so well.
But you don't ever 'get over' this kind of abuse.
You just learn how to live with it.
Which you are doing.
You are still allowed bad days.
Are you still having counselling?
This year milestone may well be triggering some PTSD so make sure you talk to someone about this.
You got out.
You got some justice.
You are doing great.
But you still need some help sometimes.
Well done OP.

Op i am 15 years post an abusive marriage and i remember the first year after i left as hell. I too had anight where i didn't think i'd get out alive (which ultimately resulted in me leaving actually i thought my son wouldn't survive that night a whole different story there). Anyway your feelings are completely normal it takes a while to get to the place where your feel completley sane again. Even so sometimes something will trigger the memory of that terrible time. be proud you got out when you did. I had 15 years of it before i cracked and said no more. Good luck to you and keep doing what you are doing. You are astrong person hats of to you. x

It has been he'll. The first few months, if I'm honest were probably the worst in my life.
Accepting how abusive it actually was. Coping with the shock of what he did to me that final night. Trying to come to terms with looking someone I loved, because I did love him. The guilt the confusion the shame the fear but at the same time the relief it was over, all of it was just overwhelming.
I did deal with it all in therapy. I really worked hard at getting it back. Building myself back up, getting used to my new reality. Sometimes I thought how it easy it would be to just ignore it all but I knew I had to acknowledge it all and work through it.
I was so happy and proud when I ended therapy. I felt so strong but the last week it's coming back but by bits.
Don't get me wrong it's manageable I guess I just wasn't prepared for it, wasn't expecting it. But from what you lovely ladies are saying it's perfectly normal so I'm going to try going back to basics. Practising my breathing. Relaxing and not being so hard on myself. I just feel like locking myself away again in my own safe little world (that's what I did at first, I didn't leave the house for 5 weeks unless I was with someone and even the it was a struggle. But I'll try to get out and about this weekend, spend some time with family in the sun.
Thank you for the lovely comments.

Hey Op how are you feeling now? Hope you had a nice weekend!

You've clearly suffered severe emotional trauma from this experience and that's hardly surprising. I really think you should try another round of therapy/counselling but perhaps a different therapist might be worth a shot.

First anniversaries are always hard - grief, shock, anger, sadness must all be going through you, poor thing. I understand you wouldn't want more therapy, although it may help.

Well done for getting out. that is a huge achievement. Well done on the work you've done on yourself. Again, huge. The physical health problems - probably the stress coming out in another way; like I get colds the minute I relax ie on holiday. Don't let that worry you unless it is serious.

Hope you are ok.