Surely this should hurt less, and what do I do now?

[Mytwistedimagination]

A few days ago my dh finally admitted to cheating on me 18 years ago. I had an inkling at the time and have periodically asked pretty specific q which he lied in answer to, especially over the past two years, which have been pretty shit because of triggers and his behaviour in response to my q.

He only admitted it after I had confirmation from the woman involved (who also lied to make herself sound less of a slag). Between the two stories he finally cracked and I'm pretty sure I have the truth.

I had met her a few times previously, she was in full knowledge we were together (for 8 years) and living together when she invited him back to hers for dinner and a bj. It escalated to sex a couple of times on each occasion, maybe 5 different visits, about 6 hours each time as he had to travel back to where he was staying through the week for work. He'd come back home to me at the weekend, go out, sleep together as normal etc. Not married at the time, but had been together 8 years. He was 28, old enough to know better.

He finished with her when she told him to dump me, he got as far as telling me he was leaving, but didn't, and ghosted her. He never admitted to anything at the time even though I asked. I never asked him to stay, so at least I know that was fully his decision.

He's in a job where he works away for long periods of time, and I've always had a niggle I didn't know everything. I guessed right. I understand why he wouldn't want to admit it, but he's been lying about it for so long. Apparently it's been eating away at him and he's glad it's out. He hasn't been defending her, he admits they were both bastards.

Why does it hurt so much even though it's so long ago? And what now? There was some hysterical bonding DTD on the second night, but when he touched me last night all I could think of was him making the same moves on her. Leading to tears and q about the whole sordid details. How do you stop thinking like that?

We've had along, mostly good relationship, married with kids now so we're going to try and make it work. He's away with work for a few months from next week, not sure whether that's a good thing or not.

To anyone who's been in a similar situation, what now? Should it be easier because it was so long ago?

So sorry for you Op, this will be long and painful and you will probably never regain your trust in him again. He lied for 18 years and only came clean after his ow confirmed it, this is almost as bad as the cheating itself. It's early days and no need to rush to a decision but you should think long and hard whether you really want to stay in a relationship with someone who can cheat and lie so easily.

Thx sadie. Thing is, I can see why he would initially hide it (cause he didn't want to look like even more of a bastard) and would avoid owning up in the meantime until he couldn't avoid it (had chosen to stay, and knew telling me would potentially break us up, which it definitely would have in the early days. Now there's 18 years of some good times, and DC to consider).

Counselling. Either together or just you. You need to process this. If you only do this with your dh it will damage your relationship further. He needs to earn your trust again and you have to be able to move on.

He did a really bad thing but there is much water under the bridge. If things have been good for 18 years then it seems very sad to walk away from that.

It may be that you can't move on from it and that's ok. But I hope you can work through it together.

It hurts so much now because you have been living a lie for 18 years! Your whole life has been based on a lie and he had aboslute control over that! You deserved a chance to walk away all that time ago and live a life that didn't involve deceit.

You are now in the process of mourning that.
Nothing he does or says from now on will ever ring true.

Some of the above posters have taken such a militant position, which I think is unfair on your husband. He did choose to stay with you 18 years ago, though it's true that it's not great he still tried to lie this time round (though understand why).

I agree with one poster above that counselling is the way forward. Relationship and/or solo counselling. You need someone impartial to help you talk through the whole thing, and work out how to trust him and build a healthy relationship going forward.

This happened to me with a long-term boyfriend a few years ago. He told me (voluntarily) about sleeping with someone a few years after the event, and I remember the anguish and pain. I felt a mix of jealousy and disgust, and the whole thing was difficult to process. I decided not to break up with him over it, though did break up with him a year later for unrelated reasons.

I'm sorry OP, I hope you two work it out.

Thx for the replies. Counseling might help but I can't really stand the thought of going through it all with a stranger right now. I'm not sure how long that will last.

He seems genuinely remorseful and is answering all q so far. What else should he be doing? I really don't know. It's weird because I've suspected something for so long it's not that much of a surprise, so things feel almost normal at times, then I'll remember what actually happened and alternately feel intense rage or excruciating sadness. How does this get any better?

It will still hurt, he changed the relationship 18 years ago from one was trustworthy to one that has been a lie for all those years; I'd never get past this myself.

Also, please don't call the OW a slag, you really don't know that, yeah she should know better but when she invited your husband for a BJ he could have said no?

I'm afraid I'd have to separate and wait and see if he could prove himself to be worth a second chance.

I think the fact he works away would influence my decision. I wouldn't be able to trust him at all. This wasn't a one off; it happened a number of times with the same woman and he lied and lied to you for years. You knew something was wrong and he tried to make you doubt your own beliefs - that's gaslighting.

Take the time he's away to have a really good think about whether you can ever trust him again.

Also, please don't call the OW a slag, you really don't know that, yeah she should know better but when she invited your husband for a BJ he could have said no?
Er, yes I do know that, based on the invitations she extended to him, the bj which was initiated by her, the fact that she slept with him numerous times while knowing full well we were together. Doesn't mean I don't think he was just as bad, but the first sexual move appears to have come from her. In the context of knowing we were together, that makes her a slag in my eyes, whether you agree or not.