Hopeless at this parenting thing

[MotherOfSuburbia]

I'm so sorry if this comes out as a pity fest. I'm feeling very low tonight and don't have any friends to talk to in RL so just wanted somewhere to share really...
I have 5 kids between the ages of 15 & 8. I was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then went back to work full time +. All I ever really wanted was to have a family and provide a nurturing home where the kids could be happy and fulfilled and learn to be decent human beings. However, reality bites and my kids spend the vast majority of their time fighting, especially the older 2 who really can't stand each other. Middle teenager seems to be going completely off the rails and scarcely a day goes by when at least one of them doesn't say how much they hate me.
My DH is lovely but works very long hours and when he's here I just feel like such a disappointment to everyone which makes it even worse.
I know that, in the big scheme of things, I have nothing to worry about. I have 5 healthy kids. We are comfortable and have everything we need and I know that so many other people are dealing with far worse problems.
But why is it so hard to help them all be happy then? I just feel so useless.

Is your dh their dad? Have you had any involvement from camhs?

My brother and I fought like crazy until we left for university, despite being otherwise model kids. Drove my mother crazy. We’re best of friends now. Kids fight unfortunately and it’s not your fault, nor is it your fault that it stresses you out!

You have five children, all in one piece, you are not a disappointment, you are a superwoman!

Do you think it’s possible that you are overwhelmed or tired enough that it’s turning into a bit of feeling depressed? You do seem to be really hard on yourself poor thing! Maybe worth a chat with a professional because if it is just exhausting you there is help with that. It might be a while before your kids turn into the Brady Bunch, but it would be good if you had the boost to be taken care of too xxx

I was one of five we fought like cats and dogs. At different times people went off the rails. All get on well as adults. All turned out fine.

Are you though?
You have 5 kids under 16yrs old and you work full time as an employee and then fullfill a second job as a full time mum.

You are not a failure you are my bloomin hero. 5 kids nope I couldnt manage it.

Instead of thinking about the failures you see for a minute write a list of the successes no matter how small.

Firstly, how do you do it? I work full time with 3 who spend them entire time at war with each other, sometimes screaming and roaring because another one LOOKED at them. And I'm all over the place! I cannot even fathom having the presence of mind and mental and physical strength to do the same thing with 5.....

As pps say you are a hero - not a failure!

And my dsis and i physically fought constantly from about 7 to 16, when we became best friends and I love her beyond the beyonds. There was also plenty of going off the rails - her in her teens, me in my 20s. It wil be ok.

You are amazing

Op you sound amazing. My brother and I (who actually are really close) used to kill each other daily. I suspect it was our way of grappling through social interactions/emotions etc in a safe environment.

I think you are being way too harsh on yourself. Pat yourself on the back and well done.

All of the above! If you get a moment to yourself write down the good bits and keep repeating them. Make sure you notice and comment when all is peaceful. Kids fight and do dodgy things and mostly turn out ok.

I think if you found it easy you wouldn’t be doing it right! You are amazing.

I only have 2 but I work full time
I have to say what jumped out at me was that you have a financially comfortable life but this is coming at a huge cost, your DH works long hours. Is there any way you can work together to get a better work/life balance? Flexi hours? Sharing this load would help you, even if it meant changing your lifestyle it might actually make you feel less stressed?

I have 4 children - 5 years between eldest and youngest. I felt like this for most of the time, especially their teenage years (when I was a single working mum after their father died). Now have 4 adult, well-adjusted offspring who get along well with each other the majority of the time. You will get there.

Just echoing all the above, you clearly have incredible strength. Make a list of any tiny positives you spot and re-read when feeling down. My list looks like this today:

Dd said thank you when I gave her breakfast
Ds took bowl to sink
Neither child had a meltdown over putting uniform on

Such small things but it helps me when I feel at the end of my tether.

Oh and I was "off the rails" from 13 to 23!! Must have been 10 long years for my mum. Now I'm frickin awesome.

Sorry not to reply earlier - thank you all for your support. Sometimes it just feels like everyone else is getting it right while you're quietly falling apart. Thanks for all the reassurance :-)

You've kept 5 human beings alive and raised them so far. You're a superhero!