He fathered a child while we were together

[Rose267]

I had a phone call from CMS today informing me my payments from my babies father would change as another claim has just been made against him.

Makes no difference financially as he hasn’t paid anything and I doubt he will until they move on to enforcement action.

But I feel so heartbroken that he has a baby who was most likely fathered while we were together (nearly 3 years, split ‘officially’ when our child was six months old which was last year at some point)

We have had sporadic contact since finishing, our child doesn’t recognise him anymore and it’s all the usual empty promises and mind games, but he’s done everything he can to keep me emotionally invested in him

I’m angry at myself for being so upset that this child was from him cheating on me probably when I was pregnant or when our daughter was very young :( I’ve been trying to move on and heal from all of the shit he put me through and this is just causing me even more pain.

This is mostly a rant to get it off my chest as I don’t have anyone to speak to IRL but if anyone has advise on how to move on from a really unhealthy relationship I would appreciate it, I feel like I can’t move on and forget about him because I’m reminded everyday because of our child.. tia and sorry in advance if this sounds totally pathetic, I know we aren’t together anymore but finding out more and more about how he was cheating while we were together is really hurting me and I honestly feel like I will never be happy and content again it’s taken away my peace of mind

Oh OP it’s heartbreaking isn’t it?

XH fathered 3, yes 3 babies in the 18 months before I left him. Bastard. Never acknowledged them either, but I know (now) the mums and they’re definitely his.

Honestly, time is the only way to get over it. You’ve had a hell of a shock and it’s hard to process it. I’m 10 + years down the line and have DP and two more children, so I’m totally over it now. But it took time, and it was hard.

I don’t see XH when I look at DS1, I see my boy, my beautiful son who didn’t and doesn’t deserve any of the shit his so called father dumped on him. Your DD is not her dad, she’s her own person and you’ll be able to separate your feelings about him from her in time.

Good job you're no longer with him.

I'm sorry, that sounds very hurtful.

So he is having no parental contact with the child you have together?

Smeddum - that’s absolutely awful and I really can’t wait to get to the point it no longer bothers me. At the moment it still
feels raw and it’s worse that he’s made sure to stay ‘on the scene’ and wanting to be in contact with me all the time, with empty promises of things being different () which never amount to anything but being let down again and again is so bloody tiring then it’s the whole ‘she will never forgive you if she finds out you kept her dad away from her when she’s older’ when I’ve made it as easy as possible for him to be in her life.. he just doesn’t want to be but seems to want us on hold 😣 x

NotTheFordType - no he doesn’t have contact with her, he actually managed a mature adult conversation a few weeks ago about it where I thought we were finally getting somewhere. Agreed he would see her at least one day a week, and once she is more familiar with him he could take her out alone and for longer periods of time. Then he dissapeared for five days - didn’t answer any texts or calls of mine on the day he was supposed to come - claimed he had been hospitalised vomiting blood (but was at work the same evening) just total bullshit excuses, I don’t understand why, if he just said he wasn’t interested from the start this wouldn’t even be an issue now id be totally over it but he keeps dragging it out again and again. X

Best way to move forward and I have been here...
Forget the bastard!
Is there anyway you can create a relationship between siblings and help each other move forward?

Sunshine - I will do my best.. feels impossible at the moment, I can’t imagine not caring. Annoyed at myself because I was always happy/positive/outgoing before meeting him and at the start and now I’m totally miserable. I have no idea who his other child’s mother is so I have no way of contacting her, he will probably deny she exists too

Take him for all he is worth, and if you manage to find out who the OW is, get her to do it too.

When you say he hasn't paid anything, is that because you have a private agreement overseen by CMS? I'd be going direct through them so he HAS to pay, regardless of if he's seeing his child. Please don't let him play any more games with you OP, you and your DD are much better off without the prick.

At the moment it still feels raw and it’s worse that he’s made sure to stay ‘on the scene’ and wanting to be in contact with me all the time, with empty promises of things being different (hmm) which never amount to anything but being let down again and again is so bloody tiring sad then it’s the whole ‘she will never forgive you if she finds out you kept her dad away from her when she’s older’ when I’ve made it as easy as possible for him to be in her life.. he just doesn’t want to be but seems to want us on hold

God I could have written that 10 years ago, it’s control, all of it.

So you can set boundaries (no contact unless it’s something genuinely to do with your DD, pick up and drop offs with a family member unless he keeps a civil tongue in his head and doesn’t continue to abuse you) which he has to stick to, without stopping contact with his child. It’s then up to him to keep to the boundaries you’ve set, if he doesn’t, it’s his own doing.

You’ll get there, it’s hard and it takes time, but you will

Neverseen- I would tell her to definitely, I highly doubt I’ll ever find out who she is as he quite happily leads double lives- he works with a close family member and didn’t even bother mentioning to them when our daughter was born, they only found out when I contacted them seeing if they wanted to know her or not when he started dissapearring for months on end.

And no I didn’t trust him with a private agreement, he totally refused to discuss money so I went through collect and pay - but he’s changed jobs and has been ignoring their letters and calls for several months. He’s in about £800 arrears now, still ignoring all of their communication so they’re looking at ‘enforcement action’ which I think is a liability order then possible prison time, I know he will ignore the liability order too.. totally irresponsible and selfish with money, he works full time and lives with low/no rent costs (a room in his families house) but he gets loads of stuff on credit and has racked up interest on high APR credit cards. He did a ClearScore test once and it came out literally almost the lowest it could possibly be but he genuinely doesn’t care at all. It didn’t bother him that I was struggling to buy nappies, food, clothes etc.. a real catch

Smeddum- it’s bloody awful isn’t it, if I heard of someone being treated like this a few years ago I’d tell them to give him the boot and don’t waste another second thinking about him, but all of the lies and gaslighting over months has lowered my boundaries of healthy interaction so all this is like the new ‘normal’ 😫

How did things go with your ex, did things go okay with you being in contact just over your son?

Thank you, I really need to retrain my way of responding and interacting with him.. like he promised to see DD this week, it’s now Friday and he ignored my message on Tuesday & Wednesday and texted really late last night saying he hadn’t forgotten and he wasn’t ignoring me. What am I supposed to say to that because if I call him out for bullshitting yet again it turns into that same old argument cycle. It’s so tiring . X

@Rose267 it is awful, I lost an awful lot of myself and spent many years building up my self confidence and belief in myself.

If I’m honest it deteriorated, to the point where it became supervised contact in a contact centre because he would not respect my boundaries and behave appropriately. He was absolutely furious because I took back control, and would not allow him to manipulate, abuse or belittle me any longer.

There were many days I cried my eyes out and worried sick, but he learned, eventually, that contact was not an excuse to abuse me. He now picks up DS1 once a fortnight (no other contact, no phone calls or texts which is his decision) and we’re civil for DS1s sake, now and then he tries to be “matey” and I remind him that we’re not friends.

It helps that after a string of bloody awful girlfriends I actually get on very well with his wife, she’s reasonable and actually very kind to DS1.

So I guess what I’m saying is that you can put your boundaries in to protect yourself and your DD. If he doesn’t abide by them or respect them, there are further actions you can take, legally, and he will eventually learn you are serious.

You’ve got it, I promise you have x

Oh and when he blanks you, or doesn’t turn up for contact ignore it. I know it’s utterly infuriating that he isn’t the parent he should be, but he can’t get to you any other way so he’s using your child to hurt you.

So ignore when he’s trying to get a reaction (because it’s giving him what he wants) and just be civil but firm. It’s hard as fuck but in my experience it’s the only way.

He’ll be incredulous at first, then angry, then snide and belittling (abuser’s textbook) because his shitty ego cannot compute that you don’t need or want him, and he’ll struggle with that.

Keep your head up, shoulders back, breezy smile. You’re free, you can do this. And he knows it too!

Thank you! so he asked to see DD yesterday afternoon, came over and interacted with her for the first time in months which is something. I asked if he had had another child, his response said it all - totally defensive, kept repeating himself saying the same thing 3/4 times loudly, was really worried about how I’d found out.

He totally denied it, I told him we didn’t need to argue about it but would it affect his time with DD (theoretically as I’m not convinced he’s going to be consistent). It definitely came as a shock to him that the mother has filed for maintence - in the same conversation he had a bit of a go at me about contacting them, and admitted he’d been ignoring their letters and ‘nothing had happened’ seemed quite pleased with himself - totally oblivious to the hundreds in arrears and the liability order which CMS are in the process of arranging.

He also insinuated he would try and get custody of DD to avoid having to make payments (if it reached that stage) he doesn’t have a place of his own or any relationship with her at the moment, is it likely a court would grant shared custody? I would be more than happy for him to have her on a regular basis / set days, but Highly doubt he’ll actually fight for it through court as he is completely irresponsible.. he also insinuated he would lie and pretend he already had her most of the time (🙄) saying that it would be impossible to prove he didn’t look after her loads. Stupidest argument ever

God reading your update he sounds like a prize idiot. Its probably all bravado but in any case if it ever came to it (which it won't) you have endless text messages to prove he has not been looking after DD! What a complete fool he is.

NameChanged - I know, he’s been awful. I would usually text him rather than confront him in person so I don’t think he expected me to come out with it and he was taken off guard and just said the first illogical thoughts that came into his mind.. 😣 he literally has never had her by himself (his choice completely) says a lot that if it saved him paying maintence money he would prioritise spending time with her all of a sudden.. 🙄

Redannie - that’s really reassuring, thank you. he kept saying strange things like ‘if it goes to court you have to have a plan and know how to play them’ and similar, as if he was already deciding on a story to tell.. I tried saying to him that the truth is completely fine, why lie or make things difficult when it’ll all come out in the end? He is quite controlling and I think he’s scared of being controlled so anything like this seems to bring out his nasty traits even more. Every time I remember it it feels like a punch in the stomach because I don’t want to deal with him giving me a hard time or making the process as drawn out as possible.

Also found out he hasn’t told any friends/family about this new child (unsurprisingly). I don’t know why I’m still so emotionally invested in this situation / man (not so much him as I know deep down he’s a bad person) but feel totally shit having a lifelong tie to him. He has 0 empathy, kindness or care for anyone except himself, pretty much every positive trait he’s shown has been an act when he’s wanted something 😣. Kicking myself for ignoring/not noticing the early warning signs! 😢

Why are you even bothering to have a conversation with him?

You need to keep it short and sweet.

Why do you keep messaging to come? He needs to do that surely?

Get him to agree to X day. X Time and either he shows or he doesn't. No need to chases

GreenTulips - i never make contact with him anymore and just respond when he contacts me about DD. He asked to see her this weekend and the CMS phone call was from earlier this week so brought a lot to the surface again with the cheating, not that he knows it’s affected me emotionally. I just asked him if it would affect the amount of time with DD.

He does shift work which changes each week which makes it a pain having regular times. I’m sure he could juggle it if he really wanted to but doubt he will. Don’t particularly want to be responsible for blocking him out of her life so I’m keeping contact to a minimum and just when he messages to see her or letting me know when he has a day off work.

This week has only been the first so not sure if it’ll end badly or he’ll disappear again, but if he wants to be in her life he would be, nothing is stopping him. Will have to draw a line at some point though as I don’t want her forming an attachment then being hurt or let down

I cant advised how to help emotionally. That just takes time I suppose. One day you just wake up, count your blessing you didn't get stuck with him and eventually you wont care about anything they do/say.

The advice I would give though is keep a diary of all acess he has and of acess he plans but doesn't turn up to.
Keep all texts.
My ex lies about everything and anything and I have to prove the truth always.
The last time he lied in court and i proved it with texts. The judge removed an hour contact time for his lack of honesty but I was just relived I was able to show the truth.
Keep a paper trail always.