Please can I have some advice - re potentially leaving and renting

[Autotelic]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice.. been together 6 years, it's a long story but things started out well and now aren't great, I've posted before but under a different name I think. to cut a long story short we don't communicate well at all, he puts me down/doesn't support me (doesn't care about my work/career or what I want to do with my life), worst of all is that he's started shouting and swearing at me in front of other people for silly reasons - for example a few weeks ago when we were on holiday I asked a simple question about luggage storage and he started shouting and swearing, it's so embarrassing- another couple stared at me. He did this in a restaurant on my birthday last year and I couldn't stop crying afterwards. He was also incredibly rude to one of the waiters - I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

I've stopped wanting sex with him. I thought it was related to some depression and anxiety I've had this last year but it's becoming more apparent that I am recoiling from him. Yet I still feel I "have" to give in. Because if I don't he sulks - he also watched a lot of porn before he met me (his admission) and at the start of the relationship and I have this weird fear that if I don't have sex with him that he'll go back to using it. He would probably be doing me a favour but I have self esteem issues relating specifically to this subject.

Anyway I live miles away with him in another area, and I am looking to go back to my home town. My plan is to move back and claim benefits for a few months, partly because it would be quicker than finding a job before I go, also it would give me time to get my head straight - I honestly don't think I'd cope with a new full time job right now after dealing with all of this.
I saw an amazing flat to rent and I contacted the agent and offered a guarantor and 6 months rent upfront and told them I'd be claiming HB - they still said no. I asked if this was the same for their rooms in shared houses and they said yes, they still wouldn't accept me
Has anyone been in this situation and please could you tell me what happened and if there is a way around it. I'm desperate and pretty worried I won't find anywhere to live and I'll have to stay here, potentially forever, and I'll have to accept this is my life.
I should add I don't have children.

Thanks for reading... x

Keep trying different agencies, I had this problem but there are some that take it.

If you are doing 6 months rent up front , can pay the security deposit on top and do just an initial 6 months tenancy, I can't see the issue at all. Go onto Openrent (landlord site, no agents) , most would be delighted with 6 months up front, explain the situation , what they may well do is reference to check you haven't trashed anywhere previously etc, but won't need to bother with employers proof of earnings etc. I had to do this when I split many years ago from first husband and had no issue, but it was a 'direct rent' . Try open rent and gumtree as many private landlords who don't use agents use them. The reason some agencies say no is due to insurance policies they have in place guaranteeing rent etc, all nuts!!

Oh and you will likely have no problems in a 'room' situation either if you can pay up front. 'Spare room' is your friend in that case

When I left my ex I found myself an ensuite room on spareooms, with a live-in landlord so it was nice and clean and quiet, (rather than a professional houseshare with lots of other people). It actually turned out to be one of the happiest times in my life, it was nice to have some company around the house whilst not having to be emotionally involved with someone. I gave myself enough time to transition into life without my partner and I went and got my own flat after 6 months.

Btw try other agents as some are more flexible than others. More recently I looked at two places which said "no pets" but both were fine about accepting my dogs, one agent was also happy with guarantor & 6 months rent up front as I wasn't working at the time.

I don't see how you would get any benefits if you don't have children and leave your job voluntarily.

Do you have a job now? Why do you need to go back to your home town, can you not rent where you are now and stay in your current job?

I do have a job currently but obviously he knows where I work, he would likely come and hassle me. I wouldn't be in this area if it wasn't for him, I don't have any friends or family here.. I feel like it would be best for my mental health to go home, however ironically my family don't have the space to let me live with them - I could sleep on the sofa for a while though - which is an option!
I think (hope) that the policy on benefits is that if you left your job due to being in an abusive relationship you are not classed as leaving voluntarily.... however I don't know if I can class it as "abusive". He has never hit me or been physically violent.

You need to find out what the policy on that is before making a decision. Can you also start to job hunt now for the area you want to move to? Any job would be better than being unemployed now and then you could find a different job from there?

I thought that if you left your job voluntarily you weren't entitled to any benefits?

He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse he obviously doesn't respect you. If you can apply for housing and a job in the area you want, explain you are leaving an abusive relationship and feel isolated you will be considered given the fact you have family there. Don't give up your job if you can help it, you will need money even try saving and honestly give yourself a time limit if it doesn't improve I'd take the couch. The situation won't improve, it will be hard but you will get there.

The reason some agencies say no is due to insurance policies they have in place guaranteeing rent etc, all nuts!!

No that is not the only reason.

Insurance premiums for housing benefit tenants is higher.

Some buy to let mortgages have clauses in them prohibiting HB.

HB is paid on a 4 week cycle rather than monthly and not to the LL.

Local authorities are notorious for poor admin and getting payments wrong or delaying.

Oh and if you e ever tried dealing with a local authority, you’ll know it’s like pissing in the wind.

If she was doing six months up front though, she wouldn’t be claiming housing benefit I would presume???