Fears dd 6 years is being rejected by her peers (I'm projecting on to her I don't know how to help)

[evelana187]

So basically dd 6 joined an activity a while back & she is naturally gifted, progressed to the advanced team very quickly. The other children have been doing this sport since they were tiny tots & now dd has come in & beaten them at comps.
She is very modest always says good luck & to them at comps but is disheartened they don't say the same to her & never congratulate her.. One of the team members is the coaches child & she is not happy dd has advanced ahead of her & is now excluding dd at training, not letting her join in the games they play waiting for their turn or sit beside her. Dd tried to talk to her yesterday & she replied "go away, why do you always want to talk to me"...
I don't know how to handle this... what do I say to dd, she loves her sport. Growing up I was always the left out rejected kid (things havn't changed now that I'm a grown up, I am still a social outcast...) I know the pain, I tried discussing it with her yesterday but instead of being a pep talk I know I was projecting... Dh told her the other kids were jealous as she is better than them at this sport but I don't agree for one second that that is the right approach.
Dd is outgoing & loves being in the centre of things, breaks my heart to see her being pushed out & excluded... We can't change clubs as there is none for miles around... I told her this mornging that she is going there to work hard & to take no notice of what the others are doing, what more can I say to build her confidence & stop myself from projecting my own experiences onto her...

I don't know how to handle this... what do I say to dd, she loves her sport. Growing up I was always the left out rejected kid (things havn't changed now that I'm a grown up, I am still a social outcast...) I know the pain,

Yes OP I can see from what you say above that you are projecting your own past/present experiences onto your DD.

It can be heartbreaking when you see your DC feeling left out for whatever reason but sometimes you have to let them figure things out for themselves as kids most often do. I would stop asking her about it as you are making more of it than she probably would if you weren't so sensitive.

Your DH is wrong I'm afraid for telling her they are jealous because she is "better than them" Kids often come out with things they hear at home. Imagine her saying "my daddy says you are just jealous because I'm better than you" that will not help at all.

I'm puzzled as well why you are telling her she is there "to work hard" Why "work hard"? She is a 6 year old. Unless you have your sights set on the Olympics I would stop pressuring her and just let her see it as fun, isn't that what she should be doing at 6 YO?

Why do you feel you are a social outcast OP?

I'm telling her to work hard so she can rise above the exclusion & focus on that rather than the fact that the others are being visibly nasty to her.
All through my life I've always tried to fit in & make an effort to be included, like my dd I'm not shy, have put myself out there but I am nearly always excluded.. However now I accept it's just something I have to live with but it's heartbreaking seeing it with my own dd & I just want to know what to say to her (or what not to say...)

I can't believe there is this much nastiness amongst six year olds!

Is it a team sport or individual? You say she is on the advanced team - are the advanced kids more accepting?

I am a coach at a junior sports club. My advice would be to talk to the coach(es). They should nip any bullying/exclusionary type behaviour in the bud. They may buddy her up with one or two people, which might help.

My other advice would be to get DD into other clubs. The best athletes as adults usually have studied a wide "curriculum" of sport and movement, so it will be good for her even if she has her heart set on whatever sport she is doing now. If she is enjoying herself elsewhere, hopefully she will be able to see past the current situation (which I would hope will improve promptly anyway), and give her a more positive general sporting experience in case it doesnt improve (and it puts her off future clubs).

And yes DHs comment was unhelpful, but it is done now.

No the advanced kids are the ones excluding her as she has been beating them at competitions, don't want to out myself with the sport but it's a sport that demands alot when children are very young.. she is also in other activities dirty badger & has experienced no problems at all, these kids were fine too until she started winning... as I mentioned above she is in no way boastful & always says well done to them after they have performed & is so happy for any of them when they win an individual medal... poor mite is so confused after competitions when she gets no kind words back from them if she wins a prize, they just blank her....

It would be surprising if the coach had not noticed her own child's shitty behaviour. But giving her the benefit of the doubt ... would you be able to approach the coach about it?

No would not feel comfortable approaching the coach, also what I feel I need are the tools to help dd manage things as best she can herself...

I think if you felt better about yourself you would be in a better position to help you DD.

When you say that you have "put yourself out there yet always get excluded" why do you feel this way. Do you think this is the case or could it be just the way you feel. Just trying to figure why you feel this way. It's almost as though you are expecting your daughter to suffer social exclusion because you feel you did.

Do you have friends, I'm assuming so, mutual couples' friendship groups etc.? it almost sounds as though you have low self esteem.

She is only 6 and if it was me, i would remove her from the class, because it seems from what you say that the coach is turning a blind eye. That is not good and couldnt see it changing. I know that removing your daughter comes with other problems and explanations, and you will feel you have not dealt with it. But i think its the best way to protect her. I feel it is too young to try to wotk through this by continuing to send her and be treated in this way. It could leave a mark.
Hope things improve for you both.