Is gaslighting on purpose?

[YellowArdvark]

I've recently disentangled from a quasi-relationship/strange co-dependent friendship in which I was gaslit on occasion. It wasn't often but would happen after conflict, usually in the form of history being re-written so he was blameless about everything and everything was my fault. More likely though it was just passive aggressive - saying things were fine when they clearly weren't etc.

Most recently, he tried to tell me that he did a thing in response to and because of something I had done first, but I am certain it was the other way around. He was so sure though I started to question myself and even went back to check, and I am glad I did as I was right.

Do people do this on PURPOSE though or is their narrative just completely messed up and wrong?

I think gaslighters are often narcissists, so they are incapable of seeing themselves as behaving badly or incorrectly and so have to re-write history to suit their own narrative.

I suspect that most of them have been doing it for so long that they barely realise it.

The theory that I have from experience (which may be wrong) is that these people have a very warped overly positive image of themselves, and anything that contradicts that gets ignored or history is rewritten to prevent that image being shattered. My ex and members of my family compulsively lie and twist history in order to fit the idea that they are right and justified in their shitty actions. It was shocking at times how they would fill in gaps when recounting an event that clearly weren't true and I would be made to feel like I was crazy for questioning them or checking facts. This is just the conclusion I came to, there is no reasoning with these kinds of people.

They think they are right. They firmly believe that they cannot be wrong, so sometimes they twist the facts a little to make themselves more right. And the more they do it, the more they are convinced, and so it goes.

Like men leaving happy marriages, who then rewrite their entire life to make it look as though they were unhappy for years, when it's obvious to everyone that they were fine until they set eyes on the new woman and subsequently decided they were miserable. They simply cannot have it any other way.

You can't ever really win then, can you?

No point trying to win anything, it just feeds into the obsession they have of being right and ‘winning’

If you are disentangled then don't give this any more head space. I have someone in my life who I can't disentangle myself from who is a gaslighter. I wish I could be rid of them. Agree that it's a narcissism thing. You cannot ever convince them they are mistaken. I think they believe their own bullshit. You can only hope that other people around them cotton on and it diminishes the harm they cause.