Coping with depression

[Caramara]

I read a thread on here recently (was going to post then my internet crashed and I now can't find it) where the OP was struggling to deal with her partners depression. And it struck a chord with me as I feel I am in a similar position.

We've been together for nearly 5 years. No DC, and we don't live together though plan to in the next couple of years (once my DC are a bit older). But when things aren't great, like now, I find myself wondering if that's what I actually want. I can't imagine my life without him. But equally living with his depression is so draining.

He has regular suicidal thoughts and has done for 20+ years. He went somewhere recently (local beauty spot type thing) and said he'd paused and sat there for an hour. Was he enjoying the view I asked? No, he was deciding whether he wanted to throw himself off. In the end he decided he didn't and came home.

He isn't working at present and living off some savings and income from investments. However I think not working is making him worse. He was referred to the crisis team by another organisation. They discharged him after a couple of weeks and have recommended he has therapy- but there is no provision for this in our local area, it's all group therapy which he isn't suitable for. And he really only has enough money to live on while he's not working, not to pay for treatment.

I just feel overwhelmed by all his issues. I've got a fairly busy, demanding life and I don't know how to deal with it. When things are good we're really happy but the lows are seriously hard work.

At present he is very down. So has no interest in doing anything. I have to think of and plan it all. What we eat (if I don't choose something he doesn't eat), where we go, what we do, even what to put on the tv. It's draining. I feel like I have to be up, happy, jolly, all the time.

He is also very isolated and just has me and his family, but they are in another UK country and many hours away. Plus they also have loads of problems so it's not like he gets much support there.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I just felt I needed to get this down in writing.

Thinking about it I guess what I'm asking is am I being unfair to be fed up with this/ finding it hard work? Are things likely to get better? Should I being doing more or does he need to help himself? Is it ok that I'm not trying to fix his issues or solutionise? And when he tells me he's spent an hour thinking about taking an overdose, or hanging himself, what's the right way to react? Because I really don't know.

Ha, the only reply was a deleted one :/

Honestly? You know this is not going to change. If you want to move in and have a family, dealing with the fallout of regular bouts of depression is going to become much more complex. You need to either go into it with eyes wide open, or break off the relationship. Your partner likely will never be able to be "in" the relationship as 50/50 thing and at times you will need to take on the practical and emotional caring role for all the family. My partner lives with depression from chronic pain and I can say that this is really not easy.

If you're happy as you are living separately it might be very do-able. Some solo counselling might help you to either find ways to cope better, (or to come to terms with splitting).

I'm really sorry that your partner is suffering from this debilitating illness and that you are suffering, by extension. It sucks that in this country we do not have resources to help people in need, nor any sort of training for those supporting people who are mentally unwell.

Agree that you may benefit from counselling to help you figure out what you want to do. You don't owe it to your partner to nurse him for the rest of his life at the cost of your own wellbeing and happiness, which is what this sounds like.

Your partner sounds seriously ill - you cannot make him better. It is not your responsibility to make him better - it's not in your power to do so. Neither can your partner really be expected to help himself, as a major effect of depression is to lose hope and motivation.

Research tells us that the longer and more often someone has depressive episodes, the more likely it is that they will be ill again in future.

You don't owe anyone a relationship.

Can I ask why group therapy is unsuitable?

Thank you. My partners depression is partly chronic pain related, although he had the depression before the pain, but it certainly doesn't help matters.

I have managed people at work who were suffering from depression, that's my only exposure to it but they didn't express any suicidal ideation, not to me at least. It's that I find really difficult to know how to respond to. 2 of his closest friends died through suicide too.

I hadn't thought of counselling for myself. In terms of therapy, the crisis team said that because of the nature of his problems they weren't suitable for a group scenario which (I know from friends who have attended) in our area seem to be aimed towards less severe MH issues like anxiety, stress, mild OCD and so on.

I would think very carefully about the future, especially if you want children. You could end up being responsible for everything & feel very resentful.

You don't say how old you are. My thoughts are that if someone is struggling with depression in their 20's, the challenges that life brings in 30's & beyond (children, ageing parents, bereavement, redundancy etc) will only make things worse.

It's not a life I would choose. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you want a happy life & relationship, then someone with severe/recurrent depression is perhaps not for you.

Sorry, we are both 40s. I have children already who are nearly adults. No plans for any more.

Ageing parents - yes that is also becoming an issue for him.

We have already dealt between us over the last 5 years with bereavement, redundancy, unemployment, serious illness, court and social services (the fallout from a messy divorce). It certainly hasn't been an easy time.

What on earth are you thinking???

Where do your dc come into all this???

Is potentially having a depressed, suicidal man in their lives in their best interests????

What the hell op. You are responsible for your own and your dc's mental health first and foremost and you are going to do huge damage if you take on the care of a chronically suicidal man without the proper mental health nursing qualifications to do the job properly.

If you are set on taking this man and his issues who is going to be responsible for your dc's welfare?

As you can't bring them into the mix, can you?

Nearly adults? So nearly 18?

I find mine need me just as much!

I am not taking on his care. I am not his nurse. I am his partner, I have been for 5 years over which time his difficulties have become more apparent or he doesn't try to hide them from me as much.

We don't live together. He doesn't express suicidal thoughts to my children either. As for my children, they are well adjusted and happy. One is over 18, sorry I always think of 21 as adult not 18.

Well first thing I'd do is drop the happy, jolly act. Speaking as a chronic depressive myself, I can tell you that you'd probably be doing your partner a favour if you did - I personally find people who try to 'jolly' you out of your low mood to be really, really trying.

Same for trying to organise the minutiae of his life. Don't feel responsible for all of it. Just plonk a sandwich down in front of him occasionally. Actually if you didn't feed him he would eat eventually - have you ever heard of a depressed person starving to death in a situation where plenty of food was available? (Anorexia, of course, is a different kettle of fish, but I presume we're not talking about having anorexia here.)

Depression is very very very difficult to deal with, in yourself and in another person. If you are to live with this man, I think you need to find a way of detaching yourself from the depression whilst still remaining sensitive and empathetic to his experience - no mean feat.

Thanks noughts, that's helpful.

I will be honest that I don't know how to behave in front of him. If I moan about my day in the usual way (you know, the usual X from accounts sent me 20 emails about the same thing/ forgot my lunch and didn't have time to grab anything/ train was packed all the way home) the usual minor annoyances from a day, he gets really irritated by it. But clearly if I put on a cheerful front, then that isn't good either.

I know he won't starve to death but I feel bad if we're all eating and he isn't (which has started to happen often). I don't want to be his mother, but it is difficult to strike the right balance of care.

Yes, it's difficult to avoid being an enabler, and ending up feeling like his mother, whilst supporting him.

And it sounds like you are in eggshells around his moods.

Can I ask: what are you getting out of the relationship? Is there fair give & take? Does he support you with anything? Or is it all one-sided? Perhaps you have co-dependant traits? Of course I don't expect answers to these - they are things to ask yourself.

Yes, there's no group on earth more contrary than depressed people. It's a difficult one, to be sure.

I can only speak for me, but I tend to frequently want company without being expected to be overly sociable or make 'small talk': I don't want to be on my own but actively talking and being engaged is a massive, massive effort when you are depressed (or an overwhelmed introvert). I can appreciate that may end up being pretty boring or unsatisfactory for the non-depressed partner after a while, though. But it may be what's needed to see a depressed person through their bad patch.

I think the poster above me asks some fair questions too. Depressed people are still human, which means that they are all quite different underneath the stifling blanket of depression. I've known some absolute lovely people who are depressed, whilst others are selfish, abusive and horrible. Perhaps depression can excacerbate negative traits, but it can't make them appear where there were none before.