Name change because of personal info and sorry this is going to be long-Background info- been together 24 years, since I was 16, him 20, started out rocky, he cheated on me in the beginning, and may have also cheated with one of my best friends, but that was denied by both of them and had no proof. I continued the relationship, but with little trust on my part, as retrospectively I had a shit upbringing, and had low self esteem and didn’t consider I deserved better. I got pregnant at 16 and had my first baby at 17 and as far as I know there has been no more cheating. My issue that I’m asking here for is that from after having my first baby I put on weight and as we went on to have a large family I never really lost it, but any chance I tried to diet and loose a couple of stone, dh would strongly discourage it and basically sabotage it by offering all the food that I love and at the end of a long day dieting and minding children I’d cave in, he would say he loved me as I was and please don’t change. Only thing was he didn’t act like he loved me like I was and would often say little things over the course of our relationship, like an example would be one day in a restaurant booth I flashed my cleavage and he said put those stretch marks away, or I asked for a nice bra and pants set for Christmas and when I tried them on he looked at me and said he should of bought a bigger size as they clearly didn’t fit. Little things like this and I always felt him chip away at my self esteem and now I feel very self conscious around him, I’d never let him see me naked. We have had a very mediocre sex life, on average 3 times a week, apart from a short break post birth, I've always been very adventurous for him, basically doing anything he wanted, whatever position he was in mood for, and I always found it hard to climax through penetration so he never bothered trying anything for me. This changed last year and he now spends time on oral for me first. I’ve basically felt very unattractive for years now, like I’m just a mother figure and not sexy or wanted by him, just someone to have sex with. I recently found him looking at porn sub Reddit’s, naked 20 year olds showing their bits off. I’ve taken this really really badly for a few reasons, 1 was he always told me he rarely masturbated and didn’t agree with, like or watch any type of porn and 2 because the girls he was viewing are younger then our own daughter and the same age as another. I have felt emotions of feeling inadequate, unattractive, that I can’t ever live up to the young girls he was masturbating to, disgust at him for the age group, if it was just regular porn stars having sex I don’t think I’d feel as let down but these are real life young girls in college taking nude photos and putting them online and the trust issues have come to surface again because of his lies over it all. He’s been very remorseful but I just can’t get over it, I feel so angry with him, and I can’t stop. I know that a lot of this is my problem and I just need to move on, but I just don’t know how to get by it and I’ve tried so hard?. Half the time I feel like I've lived for so long feeling like this and why should I stay in a relationship where he makes me feel so shit and then the other half I feel I could never leave because of the kids and that I do love him. Does anyone have any suggestions that I can try to stop feeling so crappy over the whole situation? I’m sorry this is so long and thanks for getting this far if you have.