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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abuse? Violence?

24 replies

ruthieruthuk · 03/05/2018 00:03

Had some issues and thought I would post here get some opinions.

A week ago I found out I was pregnant, my OH always had reservations about having another but then he kept swapping and changing his mind all the time, he said he wanted to wait then was like let's crack on so I was against going on the pill, and we didn't use any other form of protection due to me having issues with condoms.

I was eager to have another child so did push a little for it but I also said if he weren't ready we should hold off, we already have four children all small age gaps and still very young, 4, 3, almost 2 and 6m, so things are pretty stretched but we have all boys and have always wanted to try for a girl.

OH has been very negative since I found out and has brought me down on what should be a happy time for us, he has gone on and on and upset me and stressed me out completely and I've felt on verge of a breakdown, it's even caused me to question whether I can even carry on with this pregnancy, I would never get rid of this child and I already feel it is part of me and I love my children to bits, they have everything they need within reason and are happy children, most of the time! But hubby attitude has been awful and it's really got me down, I've been in tears numerous times and been very stressed and feeling alone.

I wrote him a long email the other day explaining how I felt, I poured my heart out to him and asked him stuff like did he not want this child, told him it's ok to be scared, and that things will he hard, etc, asked him to be 100% honest that I needed that and that he owed me that, I felt I could put stuff better in words so that's why I did it even though we live in the same house.

He never even replied or brought it up until i did, he read the email in the morning and when I asked him why he hadn't replied later in the day his answer was he didn't think he needed to that we live in the same house we can just talk about it but every time we do I just get really upset with what he says.

He feels this child was mistake as it was too soon. He has also used comments like this is why I didn't want more children.

Today was really bad, I told the OH that I needed some space, at first he refused to go anywhere, but I pushed for it cos I needed some time on my own and explained how I was feeling, etc, things got a bit heated so I gave it some time, when I came back and started speaking to him again about what his plans were he just blanked me, over and over again, I got annoyed and grabbed hold of his laptop because his attention was focussed on that, he works from home some of the time, he then became very aggressive and pushed me over onto the sofa and twisted my arm behind my back, he actually hurt me, I pretty much left rather promptly after that as I needed to take my son to nursery, I told him when I got back I needed him gone, I got back and he left and has stayed in a hotel tonight, I messaged him later to ask why he hurt me and he said he thought I was going for him but this wasn't the case at all he knew I wasn't, he just wanted to protect his laptop as he is very attached to it and very much in love with his work.

Does this count as domestic violence? Abuse? I'm feeling weak and I'm wondering whether I've over reacted a bit, but I can't be doing with the negativity anymore, anymore and I fear would send me over the edge! I haven't heard from him tonight, he hasn't been in touch

Sorry rather long just wanted other people's views. Thanks for reading xx

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 03/05/2018 00:22

Yes (it is domestic violence). If someone grabbed you on the street like that, it would be assault. You dont get a free pass at violence because you are at home.

Buckingfrolicks · 03/05/2018 00:32

i think you have emotionally abused him if I'm honest - getting pregnant when you knew he didn't want a fifth child is completely unreasonable and is a way of taking control of his life against his wishes.

Plus you have simply not let up, when he has told you his feelings about this pregnancy, you have gone on and on about it, when he has shown you and told you what his feelings are.

You then "got annoyed and grabbed hold of his laptop because his attention was focussed on that" which is really aggressive, disrespectful and unwarranted.

He then flipped and used physical violence against you - completely out of order.

You then throw him out of the house - then when you don't leave him in peace to calm himself down you pursue him by text.

When he replies, and gives you his feeling that he thought you were "going for him" you again argue and deny his perspective.

I think you need to look at whether and to what degree, you respect this man, value his feelings, and are willing to compromise with him.

Ryder63 · 03/05/2018 07:02

Absolutely no excuse for his violence - but you sound very hard work OP. He's clearly unhappy at the thought of a fifth child - and I can't say I blame him - but he should have made his feelings plain before conception.

Quartz2208 · 03/05/2018 07:24

Yes he physically abused you, but your relationship sounds toxic why on Earth are you bringing a fifth child into it when you have 4 under 4

What do you want too happen truthfully when you say court because whereas yes it is he is unlikely in those circumstances to be charged or stop having contact

Adora10 · 03/05/2018 10:00

Of course it's physical abuse and no need, he should never put his hands on you in an aggressive manner, ever, full stop.

I think this time apart will be good for both of you but honestly I would have to think long and hard about carrying on with someone that could do that to me, even worse you are pregnant.

Adora10 · 03/05/2018 10:01

If he was that against another child, as JK says, he should have put something on the end of it.

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 10:07

Yes (it is domestic violence). If someone grabbed you on the street like that, it would be assault. You dont get a free pass at violence because you are at home.

If someone grabbed my laptop, or any or my property in the street I would restrain them. Sometimes restraint can be uncomfortable. It is about using the least possible force, but even with training this is a fine line to manage.

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 10:10

If he was that against another child, as JK says, he should have put something on the end of it.

Op was against the use of condoms as she has issues with them. He should probably have abstained, but I imagine he would have be labelled abusive for withholding affection if he went down that Road...

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 10:11

I agree with Buckingfrolicks post wholeheartedly. Op needs to take a long hard look at her behaviour.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/05/2018 10:13

OP says she has issues with condoms, Not and she can't take the pill... sounds a bit like you were playing Russian Roulette, OP, to be honest, and I have a little bit of sympathy with him. Although the violence was absolutely not on.

I have a feeling it might all be over bar the solicitors' visit now though.

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 10:14

Zaphodsotherhead I’m confused - is that not what I said?

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/05/2018 10:17

Sorry, sorry Not! I meant Adora!

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 10:20

No problem I was reading my post over and over trying to work out how I had said it wrong!

Raven88 · 03/05/2018 10:20

Have you ever hit him or struck out at him in the past?

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 03/05/2018 10:25

I agree with @Buckingfrolicks. You do sound as if you never let up. I think you need to have a look at your behaviour within the relationship.

Adora10 · 03/05/2018 10:35

I don't care how much a person goes on at another, as long as it's in a non aggressive way, it does not give another person to be violent, never, in any circumstances, no, nope, not acceptable.

However, having said that, you are not blameless OP, you goaded him with the laptop, almost invited some kind of altercation, although twisting your arm behind your back is really bad, he could have broken your arm fgs, and you pregnant, just bloody awful.

You both need to look at yourselves and what you have both done, but sorry for me, I'd not be around a man that had the capability to hurt me or my unborn baby.

Cricrichan · 03/05/2018 12:25

You've got 4 very young children and he quite rightly wasn't sure of another. He's been negative and probably worried for a week understandably about it but you've kept on at him relentlessly then grabbed his laptop and he hurt you to defend himself. Honestly I think you're the one who is controlling - poor man

Adora10 · 03/05/2018 14:10

he hurt you to defend himself

I doubt twisting her arm behind her back would stand up in court as a defence, Jesus, he could easily have broken her arm.

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 14:23

Adora10 How much experience have you in law?

Adora10 · 03/05/2018 14:25

Adora10 How much experience have you in law? confused

Maybe more than what you have in common sense.

NotTakenUsername · 03/05/2018 14:33

Ah ok. Your that type of Mumsnetter. As you where.

Original poster

ruthieruthuk · 03/05/2018 21:07

Thanks for all your replies.

Firstly I did not and never would bully him into this, I was happy to abstain and use the natural method of contraception but he was adamant he wanted to carry on and go for it at the time but now it's happened he has totally changed his tune.

No I have never struck out at him not once or harmed him.

I grabbed his laptop in anger, but I realise now I shouldn't of done that nor should he of ignored me, I wouldn't of got annoyed if he hadn't ignored me, everyone is entitled to get annoyed with their OH but violence is defo a step too far, if someone in the street tried to take a laptop from me I'd let it go, I'm not going to fight a person for the sake of a machine, machines can be replaced but lives can't!

OP posts:

shooshoopoopoo · 03/05/2018 22:03

I don't think you find it easy to listen to any other opinion than your own. You already have 4 very young children, don't like the pill or the condoms, and are now pregnant 6 months after giving birth to baby number 5. I am not surprised your OH is worried about baby number 5.

He shouldn't get physical...you described a number if things you shouldn't do. When people point it out you are still blaming him.

butterfly56 · 03/05/2018 22:34

*i think you have emotionally abused him if I'm honest - getting pregnant when you knew he didn't want a fifth child is completely unreasonable and is a way of taking control of his life against his wishes.

Plus you have simply not let up, when he has told you his feelings about this pregnancy, you have gone on and on about it, when he has shown you and told you what his feelings are.

You then "got annoyed and grabbed hold of his laptop because his attention was focussed on that" which is really aggressive, disrespectful and unwarranted.

He then flipped and used physical violence against you - completely out of order.

You then throw him out of the house - then when you don't leave him in peace to calm himself down you pursue him by text.

When he replies, and gives you his feeling that he thought you were "going for him" you again argue and deny his perspective.

I think you need to look at whether and to what degree, you respect this man, value his feelings, and are willing to compromise with him.*

^^Totally agree with all of this from Buckingfrolicks ^^^

*I don't think you find it easy to listen to any other opinion than your own. You already have 4 very young children, don't like the pill or the condoms, and are now pregnant 6 months after giving birth to baby number 5. I am not surprised your OH is worried about baby number 5.

He shouldn't get physical...you described a number if things you shouldn't do. When people point it out you are still blaming him.*

^^^^ And all of this from shooshoopoopoo ^^^^^^^

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