How to handle a horrible situation with a work friend

[bzz7]

I'm feeling pretty low because of a breakdown of a friendship. The friend works right next to me and I'd really appreciate advice on how to proceed.

Things have been intense because he suffers from major depression and I was his main support through the worst of it. I thought we had a great friendship, but once the depression was under control, he seemed to turn into a different person.

For example, he had a public meltdown (yelling, etc) way back in January when I asked him to let me know if he couldn't make it to appointments instead of keeping me waiting and not saying anything.
He didn't apologize, so after being frozen out for a few weeks, I approached him to say that I wished we could move on, thinking that because he has little experience with close friendship, he might not know how to deal with problems. After first exploding and screaming horrible things at me, he apologized and said he wanted us to get back to normal. Yet he quickly went back to being unpleasant. I talked to him again and again he apologized and again froze me out right after the conversation.

By this week I had had enough of the horrible atmosphere and asked if we could resolve things or if one of us should be moved to a different office. I would usually simply go to the person in charge of assigning offices and ask to be moved, but that person is an older woman who has a major crush on this guy and seems to see me as some kind of competition. I'm not. He's gay and I'm not interested. Anyway, she is a gossip and has already approached me for an excruciating conversation about my intentions and I don't want to repeat that, so was hoping my friend and I could figure something out ourselves. At that point, he said that if I ever talk to him again, he will report me. He said very clearly that he wants nothing to do with me. I have received the message loud and clear and plan to leave him alone completely. It seems like a crazy situation and I'm quite shocked by it all.

If you're still not asleep after reading all that, the problem now is how to deal with things at work. It is quite a social place. The hours and stress are so intense that anyone who doesn't participate often doesn't have much fun outside the office. I organize many of the activities. My friend has been attending things I have organized since the initial meltdown. I think the social interaction is important for him given his depression and isolation.

That said, after his comments, I don't want to be around him and especially don't want to risk him freaking out about something and reporting me. I can continue dealing with him if there are many people around. But what about smaller ones, like drinks after work or dinners? I don't think he is going to get the hint and stay away if he is included in invitations. If I do exclude him, people are likely to notice. Should I say something to the other five - ten people in advance? Should I just not invite him? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Firstly, I think the person in charge of assigning offices has been extremely unprofessional in asking you about 'your intentions'.

I honestly think you have done all that's in your power to help your friend, and the rest lies with him. He needs to seek help for his depression and engage his own line manager to help him cope with situations at work.

I think you should continue to organise activities as normal, inviting him when you normally would. If these are social events attended by multiple colleagues, there will be witnesses to any inappropriate behaviour. You should also discuss the situation with your line manager/HR if he continues to behave inappropriately towards you personally.

I don't think you should say anything to others in advance - it might be misconstrued as gossip - again, to keep this professional, any communications should come from line management.

I think you need to talk to your own manager, or HR, about the situation and whether moving offices would be beneficial (either him or you moving).

It sounds a horrible situation and you need to de-personalise it as much as you can by taking action through official channels rather than trying to engage directly with him, as he is clearly beyond being reasonable.

Wishing you luck .

Thank you very much for such a thoughtful and clear response, ScreamingValenta. It does make me feel calmer.

Yes, a large part of what's upsetting me is the role of the administrative person. She has a lot of power and a lot of interaction with the people who are ultimately in charge. It is impossible to avoid her.

She invited me out for dinner a while back, a normal practice where I work. She has done a lot to help my friend and seems like a fundamentally kind person. However, she spent the entire dinner and another couple of occasions telling me about other people's personal issues, including serious mental health and other problems. So I'm worried about gossip.

It's very clear from what my friend has told me (he was very open about discussing the situation with her--when I called him on sharing a personal situation and personal comments about me at work, he said "she's my friend") that she sees this situation in terms of me being a rejected, lovesick, socially awkward, plain Jane! That isn't (entirely!) how I see myself and I think enough people know me well enough that they wouldn't believe the worst of what she'd probably say. Still, it's professionally a very small world and very damaging to have that kind of negative gossip circulating. I do feel upset about some of her comments to my friend.

I think your advice in your last paragraph is very helpful. My problem is that I have been thinking that it would be best to figure this all out with my friend and achieve some kind of peace without letting the administrative person get involved. You're right though that I need to accept that won't happen. He can't deal with anything and my attempts so far have only resulted in him threatening to report me. So I need to figure out a way to let other people deal with it. Unfortunately, the person to go to is the administrator--my boss officially retired yesterday and the new boss is not someone I'd want to go to about this. But I will approach my old boss, who will still be working with me on various projects and see if he can sort something out. I really appreciate your advice; thank you.