Borderline Personality Disorder behaviour?

[flippinwednesdays]

My ex has this diagnosis. He swings between utterly adoring you and loving everything you love to turning on a sixpence and hating you - you're the biggest villain in the world ever! I've now managed to wrench myself free but he's painting my name black everywhere. All I ever did was love him. He attacked me and so I left him. He's so angry with his abandonment depression. He leaves me horrible messages saying how I never loved him & he should never have given me his heart. Will he ever calm down again & remember I'm not an ogre? He's in so much pain because I refused to get back together again with him but I don't want to risk another violent assault. Will there ever come a point when he will be capable of remembering I did treat him well & that we did enjoy a loving relationship for a while? I hate being painted as the evil bitch from hell. I wish him no ill will. I understand the depth of his mental health issues. I guess I just wish we could be amicable. We're in the same social circle which is making it difficult for me.

I feel for you OP. My exDW has BPD, it’s soul destroying to have your love somehow swallowed up and turned against you. I left her as it became impossible and after a few years our relationship is quite good now on the rare occasion we speak or attend parent evenings at DDs school together.

It will get better, but only with time. Keep your distance, avoid getting drawn into any discussion or dispute. He’ll try to turn it all into a debate as he replays the conflict endlessly. You need to let that cycle fizzle out.

The shared social circle is a problem and if he’s manipulative as BPD people can be, he will try to turn people against you but the only thing you can do is turn the other cheek. The true friends will stick with you.

You don’t mention DC - if you don’t have them with him it’s much easier.

I'm convinced this is what my baby's father has but no diagnosis.

There will be times when he does think well of you and I bet even says it out loud to people but I doubt you'd know about it. The Jekyll and Hyde is unbearable and you've done well to get away when it spilled into violence. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to matter how much we love them, nothing is ever enough - I found this out when we had a perfect happy baby together and he still was vicious at times - nobody should want that sort of atmosphere for an innocent little baby.

His ex was painted the evil bitch but now I've come out the other side I sympathise with her. Maybe she did have her own issues but I can believe now that he would give their kids night terrors and cause them to wet themselves etc. As awful as it sounds I was in denial but since having my baby I can see very clearly what he is capable of.

Issues or no issues, ex's tend to chat shit so try not to dwell on vicious lies spread about you, even the most amicable of break ups play part to small lies here and there where're peoples egos are wounded.

Good luck and well done!

I could have written your post, OP. No discernible change in the past 6 years in my case, unfortunately. I hope it's different in your case.

Do you share children or property or anything else which gives him a legitimate reason to need to contact you? If not then block him on everything. You can allow yourself to not be subjected to his abusive messages. Sharing a social circle is unfortunate, but hopefully there are some who are loyal to you? Try not to react to the way he is spreading lies about you and hopefully they will soon see him for who he really is.

No dc thankfully & house in my name, so ok there. It just gets me that I'm the demon for leaving him - never mind that he violently abused me. He's forgotten that part... He's making out he's in soooo much pain & agony now I've callously left him, how could I? Can it really be true that he has absolutely no awareness of the violence he perpetrated?

My data ran out so couldn't respond. In lucid moments he will probably admit his crimes but yes generally it will be as though it never happened (in his mind) and even if he does admit it, it will likely be blamed on you for 'making him like that'/ never been this way before etc etc...straight from the handbook all these men seem to have been given 🙄

he believes these things because he's mentally ill. If he believed aliens were replacing all his sugar with powdered testicles, would anyone believe him? No, it's absurd. Anyone who knows you both will know he's just being absurd.

You're best off staying away from him and blocking all forms of contact from him.

Another one whose ex has these traits but no diagnosis. Just tonight I messaged him about something, and he replied in a nasty viscious tone to try goad me into an arguement. Two days ago he was telling me how much he loved me and our relationship was bliss. It wasn't.

Its hard because if he was a nasty bastard all the time it would be easier to deal with, the constant eggshells is much better since I left but he still has an ability to stir me up.

No real advice, apart from grey rock as much as possible, but they are smart in the way they try pull you back in. I hear you :(

We have kids together by the way, so we have to see each other and communicate (I try as little as possible).

I’m bpd and not anymore manipulative than anyone with or without bpd. I don’t turn against my partner at all. I know a few people with bpd and they are not particularly manipulative people either! It’s no wonder there is so much stigma around this illness! People are scared to tell others that they have this diagnosis because people automatically think that they are manipulative and will be awful!

He may calm down somewhat OP.

Some people with BPD can be pretty jealous/manipulative/nasty (though perhaps not all fanta). You may even have to abandon your social circle to avoid him, OP, but to be honest the social circle that tolerates violent assault doesn't sound great to me. Whatever you decide the important thing is not to be 'pulled back in'.

I had a friend with BPD. She got increasingly (subtly) manipulative and suffocating. I distanced myself immediately for a while, then got sucked back in (she could be lively, fun and charming!). But the next time she got quite nastly. Pleasantly withdrew but made sure I never socialised with her again. Never looked back. I bumped into her one day recently - it was all smiles and how are you and lets have coffee (from her). But I never did. I couldn't go back.

Why are you worried about how he remembers you? Its truly irrelevant, as he will never see the reality/truth. Perhaps in time he will calm down more but thats all you can hope for. The main thing is to completely avoid all interaction. Change your phone number for a start then he can't leave you nasty messages.

From what I know of BPD, it's normally accompanied by other MH issues and it can be complicated and emotionally draining dealing with people with this diagnosis. Lying is also a big part of BPD. It doesn't make it easier knowing these things but it might help you feel more confident about the situation?