Had enough!

[babayjane67]

Been with my dp for 11 yrs&we have a 9 yr old dd.
Things haven't been that great for a long time now really.theres no real communication unless it's about something HE wants to talk about.hes never been demonstrative I've 9 times out of 10 always had to make the first move for a cuddle sex or even a kiss!strangely though he usually always gives me a goodnight kiss.havent dtd for about 6 yrs(not all down to him though.ive had lots of gyny problems).
I've never been able to talk to him about any problems in our relationship as he either gets defensive or just plain ignored it.
He's very good with our dd.is a hard worker but also thinks nobody else works as hard as him or is as tired as him.
He's very competitive always has to be right&never apologises when he's proved to be wrong.
Rarely says please&thanks for anything though he's got slightly better.
The way he talks to me sometimes he snaps my head off.i could go on&on!
He's the most ungrateful person I've ever known!
Our dd has been having lots if nightmares lately&has been coming into our room very upset wanting to come in with us which when dp has gone to work(he's a lorry driver) I let her.when he's still there though I don't as there's not enough room.
She's going on a camp soon her first time away anywhere without us other than with relatives&dp has told her she can't keep having the dreams or else what's she going to do when she's on this camp?
She had one again last night&so tonight he asked her what it was about.id already asked her this morn but she didn't want to talk about it which is fine.
When he asked it was right in bed time so I said it's not the time now to be asking her as she's going to bed.u should have asked earlier.he just gave me a filthy look got up&stormed out!slammed the back door behind him as he went out for a fag.
I gave dd a cuddle told her not to worry&to go to bed.hed be up in a min as he goes to bed same time as her.
She then told me about her nightmare&I reassured her it's ok&she went to bed.
He came in completely ignored me didn't bother giving me a kiss goodnight&just went upstairs.i listened for a bit downstairs&he was chatting to dd normally like nothing happens!
I'm fed up of how he is now!I do think every so often about ending it telling him to leave bit we've got a lot if debts we're still paying off&there's no way I can pay them on my own! We've got a holiday booked abroad later in the year.i want to go as it's our first one for 3 yrs but I'm worried about it just being the 3 of us because if how he can be.we bicker alot&most if it is in front of dd which isn't right.
The last time we went on hol we had someone else with us that I could chat to etc if he was on one .this time I'm not going to have that.
I don't drive so I rely on him for a lot if transport.i look after my elderly mum which can be quite stressful& I tho k it's bringing things at home more to a head lately.
I'm really pissed off with him but the money side of things& the upset it'll cause my dd if we split has so far stopped me from ending it.
Sorry this has turned out to be a long ramble!

Sounds awful. Could you get some advice on benefits etc from CAB? Or similar.

Have you confided in anyone about your p's behaviour? Maybe time to reach out and get some support, to help you work out a plan for leaving him. Your dd is bound to be affected by the horribleness in your home. It seems to be damaging you both

Thanks for yr reply rumred.
No I haven't really confided totally in anyone.
He's not always horrible but I do need to do something.im afraid to try&talk to him about it again in case he turns it bk on me which he's good at&/or shouts me down which he's also good at.
Cab is a good idea.the house is solely in my name which is in my favour.

I feel for you re the debt. We also have debts, lots of them, and whereas id like to leave I can't coz what if he decides not to pay his share... I can't afford it all on my own it's more than I earn, I don't want to be blacklisted if he refuses to pay his share.
Sorry not much help, but big hugs to you xx

Thanks peach&same to u.
It's a vicious circle isn't it.

I'm riding it out until the debts are gone. We have a plan in place to pay them off it's now just a case of waiting till we get there (2 years) and not accruing any more debt in the meantime x

What do you get out of this relationship, what does this man bring to the table here?. Why are you still together at all?. Clearly this is not working now and has not done so for a long time.

Abuse like you describe as well (and you are being verbally abused) thrives on secrecy; I would also consider contacting Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations.

You cannot use your child also as a reason to stay with this man. Would you want your DD to have a relationship like this as an adult; she could well do because you're showing her that this is still acceptable to you on some level. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here from you two? Its no legacy to leave her is it.

Have you spoken to Stepchange re the debt?. (Peachsnowpop - I would urge you to contact them too)

www.stepchange.org/ is their website. What is the situation re the debt; is it in your name or his or both?. That does keep people trapped but you seem to be staying also for your DD. I would also cancel your forthcoming holiday or at the very least go without him.

I also think on some level that your DD could well be relieved that you have separated in the long run, you as her mother could become a lot happier without him as this millstone around your neck. She may well be

What is the situation re the debt; is it in your name or his?.

Peach that's a good plan.weve paid most if ours off now.the biggest 1 still has 2yrs to go then it's paid.late in the yr though.
Attila thanks for the link.ive never heard of them but will take a look later.
This is exactly what I think re our dd! She's already told me she gates it when we bicker.she has tutted at us&also put her fingers in her ears&la laad so she can't hear us bless her!I've told dp this but got no response.
He never takes responsibility for anything he does wrong!
The debts are some in both names sime in just mine.he earns the most as I only work pt at dds school.
I also feel like a failure if we split as I've already broken up my first marriage&my now grown up kids from their father although he was&still is an absolute asshole!so feels almost like I haven't gone any further in life iyswim?
He's sent me his usual good morning txt this morn as though nothing happened last night!

I am sorry and I don't want to upset you any more but the nightmares the bickering, the filthy looks, I am afraid that might be the cause of your daughter's stress; kids do not deal well with stress, namely because they should not really be experiencing any.

I'd have to separate at least temporarily for her sake; I don't see anything changing if you just carry on, it won't get better.

Perhaps time apart will help him realise the affect his behaviour has been having on your little girl; maybe tell her daddy is working away for a bit and show an amicable front, I honestly don't know what else to suggest, it sounds like you have nothing but contempt for each other.

Yes Adora I think you're right.i have been thinking of asking him for a trial separation.i don't know where he'd go though or how he will take it.i don't even know if he'd show an amicable front!
My dd is home poorly today so will reply when I can.
Thanks to everyone so far for their help&suggestions.

"I also feel like a failure if we split as I've already broken up my first marriage&my now grown up kids from their father although he was&still is an absolute asshole!so feels almost like I haven't gone any further in life iyswim?"

If there is a separation it needs to be permanent and not temporary.
He is the failure here, not you. He is simply projecting his own crap onto you as well. Its not your fault he is the ways he is, you did not make him that way.

You are only a failure frankly if you continue to stay with this man for your own reasons. You have progressed further in life and you will continue to do so particularly if you get yourself and your DD well away from him. She is feeling the effects of his arguing and its coming out in nightmares and overall stress. This is NOT what you want to teach her about relationships, would you want her to end up with some bloke like yours?. No you would not so stop doing your bit here to show her that this is acceptable to you still on some level. Abusive men really never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Do look at Stepchange's website; they could help you.

Also enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid could also help you move forward too. It could help improve your boundaries in relationships.

Yes Atilla thanks .havent had chance to look yet so will do now.
She is a people pleaser.likes to help is kind etc.shes pretty laid back.
The nightmares she has aren't every night but can be a few nights in a row then nothing then come back again.they do worry me.
He's acted the whole time since he's been home as though nothing happend&everything's fine.
He&dd are very close.She's always been a daddy's girl.he picks her up from school every day.takes her to after school.activities etc.
He tried to kiss me good night& i walked away.saw to dd instead.
I haven't made his sandwiches for work as I normally do(he goes without if i don't make them.he never does them himself)
I know u say it needs to be permanent but it wiĺ be a huge stress for us all especially dd to go through.i want to try talking to him about a trial separation first in the hope that he values our relationship enough to really try.it might be the kick up the ass he needs!
I don't know!maybe I'm just clutching at straws.im just tired of it all& got so much going round my head as it is with looking after my mum& other family stuff going on.
I don't know if i can break our family up too!

Thank you for yr help those that have replied.

I'm going to try talking to him either over this weekend or just after as dd wants us to go out for the day somewhere while he's off.
Atilla thanks again for the link i had a look last night.im hoping they will be able to help me.