Is anyone every happy after an affair?

[amIevenalive]

I found out Christmas my other half was having an affair for a year and half, It has been hell since then, ups and downs, So is it ever worth it? Is anybody every happy after it? Is it possible to forgive and forget and move on? Is it something that is never forgotten? and will future happiness always be tarnished by the memory of the affair?

I think it will slowly turn you bitter and paranoid. Plus, he was willing to cheat on your for such a long time, thats horrible. also, has he only stopped because you found out? if so I doubt that he really has . Leave OP before you become a shell of yourself.

a year and a half, nah sorry that's too much planned deceit for it to be a mistake, I'd never want to forgive or forget, I hope you at least kicked his cheating arse out your home.

In the book that I read by a psychologist working with couples dealing with affairs - most couples stay together.
And there are three broad groups that she identifies:

• couples that stay together and never really get over - affair gets brought back over and over and there is lots of bitterness and unhappiness

• couples that rally around shared goals/purpose/values in life and relationship. They manage to put it away and get back to a similar relationship like they had before.

• couples that soul-search together and figure out what was, maybe, missing in their relationship. They sort of re-launch and find the new relationship, new balance. Like a marriage 2.0

Sorry you are going through this

Read "Women Who Stay With Men Who Stray".

I'd couldn't get over that amount and duration of deceit and disrespect to me and my family.
Not a chance in hell.
However, some couples can overcome it.
I think it's the much harder path to take.
It will take years of work to repair this.
What do YOU want to happen?
Don't forget you cannot turn back the clock.

I didn't want to try to forgive and forget. In my mind it's just not possible as I'm sure every time we hit a rough spot, it would come up. Years later, I'm now happily married to someone else with a family and I've no regrets at ending the old relationship. It was definitely for the best.

I don't think anyone ever really forgets, maybe they just learn to live with it, I think no matter how much you love someone that amount of deceit is unforgivable.

You’ll never trust him again.

You can’t love someone you don’t trust

That's a relationship, it's a year and a half of deceit - and it would still be going if you hadn't discovered it. You could have been posting the same post but the timescale would be 5 years, 10 years...

Could you forgive that? I don't think you could forget it. I couldn't, I'm sure I couldn't. If you could then all credit to you but make sure you're not the first example on MMmomDD's list, that's a half-life.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Spot on. Again.

FWIW, I admire your responses on here - you speak much considered sense. IRL, I probably need a friend like you.

A year n half is a bit long babes n trust me from experience you will always be depressing yourself more and more everyday if you take him back because paranoia will kick in if not already..good luck hun x

That's very nice of you, TattyCat, always happy to chat.

I come from the unenviable position of having been an OW myself and that does give insight that you can't have otherwise. Likewise I've been the cheated on partner and know how this feels from that perspective too. If I had a time machine, I would change everything.

My dad had a few affairs. The one that really sticks out is having and affair with my mum's best friend.

My mum left him. Took us over 600 miles away and he found us, the last 15 years (before he passed)I've never seen a more in love and amazingly commited relationship.

Unfortunately I'm now going through similar except my husband left me and 3 weeks later started spending time with my best friend. Suppose I best be thankful it never happened when we together.

I’m in exactly the same situation (also 18 months) but for me our marriage was over the second I found out. That level of betrayal and disrespect for me and the life we built together is unforgivable. It’s been 6 months and it’s been the toughest time of my life and there’ll be more tough times ahead but I know im coming out of this stronger & he’s a sad man in an immature relationship and hes made the most expensive mistake of his life

1.5 years is a bit more than an affair. There are marriages that don’t last that long!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Ditto. The hypocrisy is killing me and I can't defend myself, even though we'd 'moved on'.

I do love your responses though - wherever I've seen them. Gah. There are few people on MN I can 'identify' with.

It really depends on the person and situation I think. I imagine I would initially fight really hard to stay together then somewhere down the line end up hating him as I’m not sure I could regain the trust .
I imagine it also impacts if you were having a particularly hard time in any way that could in some way excuse it .. young kids / financial worries / grief but even as a write that I don’t really believe that there is any excuse for the betrayal.
I wouldn’t do it to him so I don’t think I could accept it from him or forgive.

It’s a long haul but it is possible.

Some think a long term affair is worse than a ONS and others the opposite. I’m not quite sure anyone knows what their feelings are on this until you’re actually living it, and that can change with age, situation, and the relationship.

We’re happy, I’m happy.
Forget? Never
Forgive? I’m not there yet and can’t say I ever will be, but then I doubt he will ever forgive himself.

If think that's a vital point Gertie, I don't forgive my H, but to be honest I don't think he really forgives himself either, he just doesn't want it 'brought up' . I also think people forget that it isn't always affairs be they emotional ones or physical or both that can break a marriage, but they can be the straw that breaks the camels back on top of other underlying issues and make you feel less likely to be wholeheartedly reconciling or forgiving.

I’m in a similar situation and found out at the end of last year, the only difference being that it was for 2 months rather than 1.5 years.

For me the jury’s still out on whether we can come back from this. Since I found out he has done everything ‘right’; truly remorseful, ended it immediately and the OW has now left the company, implemented all the changes I asked for, open with phone/ devices, individual/ marriage counselling, etc.

But it doesn’t change what he did and I’m still finding it hard to get over the betrayal. Things hadn’t been great between us at the time but I thought we were a team and that nothing could come between us. I just never expected anything like this to happen and it’s very hard to come to terms with. I feel like things will always be tainted but maybe in time I’ll feel differently.

There are so many variables that can affect the outcome. Was it a full on affair for the whole time or a hand full of meetings. Did he confess, did he end it. What was going on in your life, has he been truly honest and remorseful. Has he volunteered full disclosure of devices and passwords, is he hopi g to brush it under the carpet. All these factors will give you an idea of whether he has any respect for you now. Also you have to look at the sort of person you are. If you are/ were a confident person with healthy self esteem, you are more able to cope. Are you jealous or an over analyser? Again these traits make it more difficult.

My partner had a ONS 3 1/2 years ago. He fessed up himself, but only partially. Not being fully open when he had the chance did more damage than his original misdemeanour. I have forgiven the deed, but not the later lies. I won't ever forget. Our relationship is about 75%. I don't know if will ever get to 100%. Is it enough? jury is still out. Take your time and look after yourself x

I agree Lotsofponies
There are so many variable no-one can say what they would or wouldn’t do in any situation.
I was shocked my DH cheated and I was shocked by my reaction, but in many ways, how he has been since is the biggest shock.