So how do you go NC with a toxic parent?

[Thosewhomatterdontm1nd]

DH has reached a crossroads and needs to step away from FIL for his own mental wellbeing. There is just the question of how?

I think he would prefer not to issue any ultimatums and would rather avoid a row and the accompanying risk of further manipulation. Ideally (I think) he would just like to stay away while he processes FIL's behaviour. The trouble is, that at some point FIL is quite likely to turn up on our doorstep, probably making demands. What do we do here?

For background, DH has siblings, who are already light contact and who, I suspect will also go no contact after the latest episode. The siblings are supporting each other, whilst making their own decisions, but we live closest to FIL and so we will be at the sharp end of the fallout.

Has anyone got any wise advice or experience to share? Thanks in advance.

Name Changed to separate this from my posting history

I have no idea how you do it.
There will be other who do know.
Can you just go minimal contact?
Start to back off.
Don't respond to texts, contact, telephone calls.
Can you ask the siblings how they did it?

So you either need to not answer phone (get caller id) and avoid answering the door or write a letter telling FIL. Is he likely to just turn up out of the blue?

I called in-laws and told them that I was breaking contact and why, I told them that I would be blocking their phone number and that if they turned up at our house I would call the police. They could contact DH through email or mobile number.

Luckily they haven’t turned up, if they had I would have made good on my promise to call the police. I recommend similar for your DH.

There are many ways to do it.

He could write a letter explaining what’s happening and why (really advise against that, but some have found it useful )

He could just say ‘after the last episode, I am taking a break from you, don’t contact me and I will be in touch in due course’ Then block everything.

He could do the slow fade, doesn’t respond to every message. Doesn’t initiate any contact and then grey rocks whenever fil does. Turns off answering machine so there is no message to respond to. Is incredibly busy for the next year and is unavailable to meet up.

Or he can simply block and not respond and puts a camera by the front door so he knows not to answer it.

Or he can be direct and tell him never to contact him again or he will contact the police... then actually does it.

I did the slow fade but that was really helped by my mums idea that I have to be the one to maintain contact and she ‘shouldn’t have to beg’ to see me. By ‘beg’ she meant ring me up and ask me how my day was.

Interesting that quite a few of you have mentioned a letter. I suppose we are concerned it could escalate things - FIL isn't anyone you could have a rationale conversation with - but yes, there is a risk he would just turn up on the doorstep. I can see that we probably need to communicate the decision at some point though, and it would be easier if that wasn't face to face.

Siblings live further away, and one is likely to move soon, so they can mostly avoid, whereas I think we need to set boundaries.

We are going to have to stop something hobby related with the DC too. (or do it somewhere else), but that's not important.

Thank You for taking the time to post. This isn't a situation we expected to be in and I'm heartbroken for DH.

With letters, the general advice is to write it but never send it.

Certainly tell him you are now NC and not to call. But going into the ins and out generally doesn’t achieve anything but give them ammunition.

Thanks Aussie DH did write a letter that he didn’t send to get everything down on paper, which he found cathartic. I agree that it would be unwise to go into details. I don’t think we will ever make him understand, so I don’t think there is any point in trying.

Are there any phrases that are especially useful to rehearse?

Have a look at the first post on the stately homes thread. It runs through the main arguments

For me, I'd been running through the different ways I could go NC with my abusive, violent father but all were difficult as my father was 74 and in chronic pain (allegedly, but 35+ years of his alcohol and painkiller abuse probably suggest it was withdrawal symptoms etc).

Recently, he threatened suicide in front of my 11 and 9 year old kids (I have PTSD from when he made me witness his attempted suicide when I was 17). I didn't want them to go through the same anguish and I stood up for myself, told him to contact the samaritans or AA and he promptly cut us all off, kids and all. He sent some very extreme texts which made it very easy for me to block him.

Still have days where I'm feeling guilt and obligation but I understand it's a process of grief, luckily I have a supportive husband and I know I'm doing the right thing. Tell your DH that some days will be difficult but to be strong.

I just ghosted.

You've posted under both accounts?

Bubbling that sounds really tough I agree that one of the things that makes this hard is that it isn’t just black and white.

Thank you for the SH recommendation Aussie the phrases in the OP touch on a lot of FILs tactics that we have come to recognise. I’m starting to chant the suggested responses like some sort of affirmation - it feels positive.

I think this is a grief process, thank you again for the support.

I'd suggest to slowly back away. He might have to be brave and bottle everything in as to not to cause too much grievance. If he texts or contacts just interact if it's something important, otherwise just give one word answers to everything else. He'll start getting the hint that no one is worshipping the ground he walks on.

Interesting point about not worshipping the ground he walks on Shen that’s very much in the script.

We’ve actually discussed moving this morning to avoid all this. A webcam and garden gates will be cheaper though. .

We also think there is a strong possibility that FIL will get others to try to intervene if he can’t get to us himself. He’s just not going to take no for an answer.

Reflecting on this, I don’t think a slow fade will work particularly well, FIL’s personality is all or nothing, so we won’t be able to achieve minimal engagement. And as DH can no longer deal with FIL’s lies there needs to be a cut off.

If your DH has a good relationship with his siblings, he should lean on them for support, as they will strengthen his feelings that NC is the best solution. Particularly if you are concerned your FIL will persuade others to intervene on his behalf.

DH did this, with my support. He did it slowly.

Look up ‘flying Monkeys’. That will give you an idea of how to handle other people

Oh my goodness Aussie flying monkeys is a perfect description. That's a big wake up call.

I wrote a letter to my parents to go NC, when I was 8 months pregnant with DD1. It helped that they lived over 400 miles away - I can see it will be more difficult for you when you’re nearby.

If you’re lucky, he will take huge offence and avoid you completely, rather than come round humiliating himself by begging to reestablish relations. But if he does, you’ll just have to stick to your guns and not be drawn into any response at all.
Good luck, OP! I can certainly recommend it - I wish I’d done it years earlier.

Thanks Babdoc, yes, I wish we were 400 miles away. At this stage DH just wants to avoid FIL, no ultimatums, no discussion, just not see him. At the same time, I think DH is concerned that no only will FIL just turn up, but that, DH is so conditioned to FILs ways that he will be talked into going to the pub with him, and sucked back into his orbit.

He has started reading the Susan Forward book, and is finding it helpful, I think he’s going to need a lot of support.