Am a crazy to think i can save this marriage?

[Idreamedadreamonce]

NC for this. I've been married to a man with controling and anger issues for 20 years. We have 2 teens.
After a terrible few years with child health issues, where he left me to it and was really horrible/shouty/blaming me (he wanted it not to be really happening and put head in sand but me discussing it made it real?!). It was the last straw for me and I withdrew. The 'normal' way for us is that he pretends the rage/upset didnt happen and i eventually accept it and move on. Or bring it up to deal with and get told "I'm trying to start a row".
Anyway, i couldnt do that this time and we talked of divorcing. Then went through near death of other dc and it threw us off course.
Now dc is doing well (we were very lucky) and H finally agrees to go to therapy to sort himself out.
Should we still divorce? Can you recover from years of EA and have a healthy relationship? Am I just a weak fool?

You are not a weak fool - no!
But you've put up with this for 20 years.
It will take a lot of counselling and courses for him to even start to understand what he is doing.
So far, it's worked for him so why wouldn't he continue?
The threat of divorce maybe?
You could see how it goes initially and tell him divorce is NOT off of the table until he proves he can be a decent human being.
I can't see it happening any time soon though TBH.

I would insist you both go individually and together. He needs to dig deep to work out why he is behaving this way and you may need support to recover from the damage he has done (some you might not yet even realise). Only then can you decide if this marriage is salvageable

I don't see him changing OP, this is his character and if he didnt think it important to change his behaviour when raising young kids then why would he do it now; you've put up with it for years, he knows this.

If i was you, I'd create a life of peace and harmony for myself before it's all too late and you regret not doing it sooner; who wants to live with a person that is angry all the time and tries to control you, not healthy and not good for you.

Thanks. We have both done some individual councelling but his only focused on his difficult relationship with his mum. He seemed hooked on using that damaging relationship as an excuse rather than an explanation of what may have driven him to develop those behaviours. Then he stopped going. I don't think he wanted to talk to her about his behavious or take responsibility. He now says he'll have specialist therapy focused in him.
I'm still on eggshells really but it's easier now we are part separated (in mind). I can't face starting normal conversation other than straightforward stuff about the dcs. I think that's because I'm too exhausted to deal with 'triggering' him. He never admits it or apologises after either. It's always been the way i said it or when i said...yet I'm very careful to think through it before i say stuff to work out how to best put it.
I feel he needs to really want it, take responsibility and do all the running. But he's still feeling i should understand his hard childhood - abuse/neglect due to a number of years of mother's alcoholism. Not physical but emotional which i have a lot of sympathy for.

My therapist feels that i need to be sure about ending it and she can tell I'm struggling to let go. I think i want her to tell me the right way!

I think you should leave him and I suppose maybe if he does sort himself out and genuinely becomes a better person then you could think about trying to work it out but really it's a lot of stuff to forgive and you're much better off trying to move on.

I guess I've always wanted it to work and it's fine 95% of the time. Just when i thought we were done it's like maybe he's right and he couldn't help it and maybe the person other see him to be could be there for me too
Then i read about all the crap other women have from men and i wonder if it's not that bad. I remember hoping hed just hit me a few times during rages so I'd have a good reason to leave!

OP no amount of anger or control is acceptable in a relationship; if he'd cared he's had sought help ages ago.

Maybe you want it to work but it's him with the issue; you are not his property, you are a person in your own right, you are meant to be a team, equals; not walking on eggshells; he likes having you to control, it makes him feel a big man.

That's really sad that you feel you can't leave unless he batters you, verbal abuse and control are in the same bracket OP, up to you but he won't change his way.

Define that percentage some more. Is it really fine 95% of the time or are you still really kidding yourself here?. It sounds like you're still trying to make the best of a bad job and are stuck on the sunken costs fallacy. What you write of sounds bloody awful with your own poor boundaries to start with being further denigrated by him over the years.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You already have more than good enough reason to leave so what has stopped you - the kids, fear of him, fear of being on your own, finances?. You've wanted this to work but the cost here has been and is still too high for this to at all continue. One day your kids will leave home (and sooner rather than later if this is representative of what goes on at home) so what then for you and he?. Your kids may not want to visit you very often if at all particularly if they are still seeing you taking abuse from their dad. They will wonder of you why you continue to put him before anyone else, including you and them.

What you (and in turn your children) have been through with him is more than good enough reason to leave actually and staying for the children is rarely if ever a good idea; they have not said thanks mum to you here re him. What have they learnt about relationships from the two of you here, was this really the model you wanted to show them?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. He crossed that line a long time ago and I daresay he was also abusive towards you prior to marriage too. Abuse is not just physical in nature either; emotional and financial abuse to name but two other types are just as damaging to a person.

I know you are all right. The kids have noticed though it's never in front of them. I'd always ensure that. He doesn't want them to think badly of him either. He really cares for them and they love him. They actually tell him he's being ridiculous sometimes if he's actually being unreasonable about something. They do know when he's to be left to stew though too and that's not good.
In some ways, since I've said i won't take anymore, it's more strained. For months he's been trying to contain (successfully) his auto response when he's 'triggered'. But this can only be achieved by him if we don't have to agree or plan anything difficult together.
So i guess the 95% thing is just calm not happiness!!

OP I am in the same situation with the same kind of eh as you, it sounds oh so familiar right down to the way you have to choose your words and your timing but then are still blames for triggering him - I have 5 kids ranging in age from 10-17 and I am divorcing him. Initially I just wanted a separation as I was under so much stress and the tension in the house was unbearable. Dh accused me of breaking up our family, ruining our kids lives, throwing away our marriage, refusing to work on our marriage. I asked just for us to separate so we could have our own space to breathe and then see if possible to repair and rebuild relationship but once he knew I was serious about separating he then wanted to go straight into divorce proceedings. So much for working on the marriage.
He has not changed. Even with us in "separation counselling" he still blames me and likely always will. He will not change, I wish I had done this years ago.
People don't change unless they want to. Don't wait for him to change. Look after yourself and your kids, they need you more than he does.

Lilifer gosh that must have been hard with 5 dcs. Sounds like you are happy no. Maybe that's what i need. H just says it's up to me. Doesn't say what he wants. I don't think he has the emotional intelligence to communicate on a deep level and is hiding from responsibilty. Your exh does sound very similar. Did it creep up insidiously?
We'd have to sell the house and each buy something small in a cheaper area. I'm nearly 50 and my job is under threat too. Second dc starts uni next year so it will be sad to be in an unfamiliar and empty nest.

It's a tough time. Try to take it one step at a time. He sounds like hard work and makes excuses. But he needs to take responsibility and it doesn't sound like he is

Did it creep up insidiously?
OP Yes it was a gradual worsening of a problem which only happened occasionally in the early days of marriage but which then got worse and worse over the years as our family grew and responsibilities increased. I felt huge resentment from him and a growing lack of respect which then worsened in to a hostility and selfishness and lack of co operation and even basic civility at time - he used to tell me that I was too sensitive, in fact the other day told me i was a basket case and also told me many times that my expectations of marriage were too high.
Maybe so. But all i know is that the way you talk to someone conveys how you see them, and in our case it seems he saw me as less than him, as a problem to be solved, an inconvenience to be circumnavigate, and opponent instead of his partner. Not a marriage i wanted to model for my kids.
Not sure if its too late now for them to learn that this is not the way it should be, but i know i cant live with him anymore.
I am nearly 49 and have no career now having given up job to raise kids and support him from the home in building his business. I do agree with you that the prospect of starting afresh in a new home with your kids flying the nest is a daunting prospect, but on the other hand, it may well be the start of a new chapter in your life, new opportunities and the satisfaction of living well and in contentment.
I wish you all the luck in the world whatever road you take.