Sex advice

[Mikey88]

Hi just wanted some advice or views on this subject
I am a 40 year old male recently diagnosed with motor neurone disease while my health is currently not bad since I have been diagnosed 8 months ago this is a progressive disease with an average of 2 years ‘I have been with my wife for 20 years but never felt so alone or rejected we haven’t had sex for 6 weeks and only had sex 7 times since I was diagnosed ‘i want to enjoy what time i have left and feel alive and happy and loved ‘we have talked about the subject a lot but she can’t seem to explain anything or she won’t reply ‘i was just after any help as anyone experienced anything like this ‘I know this is terrible for her but I just want to spend what time I have being happy and not looking back with regrets or sadness ‘any views would be good

Gosh Mikey I am very sorry to hear this, it's obviously devastating for both of you.

I'm not really the best person to advise on this but a diagnosis like this has obviously been a tremendous shock to you both. I imagine there are a million things going through your DW's head and sex probably isn't at the forefront of her mind right now.

Did you have a great sex life/good close connection before your diagnosis?

Hi
Yeah I suppose so we where much closer but noticed before I got Sick things where not as great ‘don’t get me wrong she still cares just not in that way but obviously this makes it harder for me to stay positive which is important when your sick

FIrst off sorry for the diagnosis

Yes I think you are placing sex as what you want and she is dealing with your diagnosis.

Once a month is not terrible when dealing with everything else - how much are you making it a big deal in fact you seem to be slightly using emotional blackmail and that is not going to help

I can't see from your post where you are actually using emotional blackmail.

When you say you've talked about the subject a lot but she can't explain anything or won't reply, I assume you are asking her about the lack of sex, am I right. You are asking her why you are having less sex etc?

I can understand both sides tbh. I remember receiving some upsetting news and that night wanting sex just for the closeness and comfort more than the act itself. I guess your wife is scared for the future, her future without you. Do you have kids? I understand you wanting sex as sex is associated with feeling strong and healthy maybe. I also imagine sex will become difficult as things progress and you want to enjoy it whilst you can.

I know people always resort to counselling advice but with a diagnosis like this, do you get that kind of support offered to you both.

Remember also that after 20 years most couples are probably not having loads of hot sex

Hi
Yeah also not sure how you are saying emotional blackmail ‘it’s a topic we discuss because it has changed and it’s something I can keep normal ‘having large areas of your life changed such as your job and much else there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep some parts of your old happy life the same if you can through communication but I guess I was wrong and I must be a terrible person

Hi yeah we are in the process of getting her some counselling but just on a waiting list ‘yeah I have asked questions in terms of is it due to the illness or the shock or do you view me differently ‘obviously it’s a form of grief so everyone is different but when hugging kissing stop and there is no affection you can’t help feel rejected as it’s normal to be affectionate towards people who you are close to and who are ill ‘it was to find out if anyone knows as this situation makes me feel down on a regular basis and it’s very important to be positive when dealing with terminal illness but it’s getting harder to do ‘I just wondered if it was common

Ignore the digs. Someone will probably be along soon to call you a rapist (as you are male) or say sex isn't important and they prefer tv or some such unhelpful bollocks. Ignore them too.

You know you have limited time and this is important to you. You need to get serious with your wife asap about it. It's been 8 months, i wouldn't let this go on for another year. Sit your wife down and discuss a plan to work on your sex life. Listen to what she has to say and be prepared to work through it together but don't just let this slide. Demand she open up and talk to you.

therapy for her
counselling
holidays
massage
whatever it takes.

i appreciate this is difficult for her but she owes you an explanation and she owes you to work on this. And sorry MN, I'm using the word OWED. She doesn't OWE him sex but she OWES him a good faith effort to work on their marriage before he dies. Yes, OWES. And if that makes me a rape apologist, I'll happily accept that moniker.

Hi saiya06
Thanks for that ‘yeah I have sent her away 4 times to overnight spas and I have stayed at home with the kids so she gets space and also made her go on lots of nights out with her girlfriends ‘we had a short xmas break and have one in the summer which will hopefully help ‘I get it’s shit and endless and frustrating as it’s not an illness you can fight and have that glimmer of hope ‘but that said it’s also very shit for me so I just want to have that normality there so it helps keep things a little how they use to be .i will continue to work at it but it’s been a long slog so far ‘I think today is just a bad day and felt the need to share and talk

Well said Saiya!!! Brilliant

Honestly Mikey there are lots (not all) of women on here that hate men posting and will ridicule and criticise for no reason other than you are male. There are also some lovely caring MNERS and I'm pretty sure they will be along later.

It's completely understandable that you want to enjoy every aspect of normality as much as possible. As Saiya says, your wife does not owe you sex but certainly an explanation for how she is feeling. I can imagine she is, like you, feeling very afraid and really doesn't know how to handle the emotion that goes with such a diagnosis.

I would perhaps look at some support groups for your condition (I'm sure there are some online forums) and see how other couples have coped sexually.

It's hard when one person feels rejected and unloved and obviously more so in your case. I think you need to plan a time when you can be alone and have a very frank discussion about how you both feel.

Oh and BTW, you are not a terrible person, a terrible person would be the poster who accused a man with a terminal illness of blackmailing his wife......just because he wanted to discuss sex.

Hi moimasturbate
Thanks for your comments ‘very helpful
Mike