I feel trapped and confused

[Milkybarmummy]

I feel trapped in my marriage and I don't know what to do. Things haven't been great since I went back to work after maternity, the usual complaints, he doesn't help around the house, he's lazy, I feel like I have to convince him to do anything with me and our little girl but for his friend's he'll jump up to go out, even questionable personal hygiene. I was getting more and more down about us so I eventually decided to talk about it with him, hoping he'd try and we could fix things. Instead he tells me he's been hiding a huge amount of debt, credit cards etc, we're talking tens of thousands, and he's just been ignoring it as it got worse and worse to the point where just covering the minimum payments would leave us with nothing for food, and we both have decent jobs! Two weeks later his car was repossessed and the mortgage payment bounced, I have no idea if he'd of told me if I'd not talked to him about the other stuff and I'd of just been stood in front of a bailiff in shock. Luckily his parents helped pay half (much to my horror) so we can at least get by, but he's hardly done anything himself to fix the situation. He got signed off from work with stress/depression and only then did he do housework. I've lost trust in him and respect for him, and I don't know if I can get over it. I was 16 when we got together and I've questioned for a while if I really love him or if I'm just with him out of habit. But with him being depressed it seems like I would be a b*tch to leave him. I'm scared I'll stay and never feel like I should towards him and he'll just do it again (he's got himself into debt problems twice before and been bailed out by his parents or me) and then dd will be older and it'll affect her more. Am I being selfish thinking about splitting up her family, or leaving him in his 'time of need'? Or is it unfair to him to stay when I'm not sure I love him? All our family are two hours away so I'm pretty much alone, and I don't want to worry them. I feel so lonely, confused and scared so any advice would be much appreciated 😔

Has he had any treatment for depression? Might be an idea to wait and see if that works. He could become a changed person

he has lied and lied and lied to you .. to the point where he is in tens of thousands of pounds in debt ... on what ? and this isn't the first time he's done this.. so it's very likely he'll continue this pattern of behaviour because everyone keeps bailing him out.. no consequences no lesson is ever learned... so he has no reason to change his behaviour..

I couldn't stay with someone like this lovely

He went to the doctors and got signed up for treatment but he cancelled it, I made him go back this week and now they've given him antidepressants. The thing is its not his mood that's making me want to leave. He says the debt just snowballed and its all from just living off them, so I still don't really know what it's all on. When we did go to weddings etc he always got drunk and threw money around buying people ridiculous drinks and shots etc, I think he just has no control 🤷‍♀️

Run for the hills Op....

you are NOT responsible for him , he is an adult and makes his own choices.

You are however responsible for your DD and her security, prioritise her, you will never have any security with him and she will be affected.

That sounds almost impossible to live with.

You can't trust him to tell you the truth

You can't relax that he isn't spending too much and as your married of course his debt is also your debt.

You doubt his self control capacities

At your stage in life I would leave, 100%. You could tell him if he changed then you'll review your decision down the line, but for you and your DC I'd be off like a rocket under those circumstances

Can you go to your family for a week or 2?
Just to get some headspace away from him.
See if you miss him.
If you don't, then you have your answer.
He will always be shit with money.
You will always be in debt if you stay with this man.
It's no life and you and your DD deserve better.
Get to your family for a while and think everything through.
Take it from there.

He's had a second and a third chance to be a grown up with money and he's blown it. Literally. And on what? Do you have any assets due to his reckless spending? Any Gucci handbags or first editions you can flog? Or is it just gone?

My ex was financially abusive. I had to give up work to look after our disabled DS and he begrudged every penny spent on food or clothes that weren't for him yet managed to get into tens of thousands of pounds of debt with little to show for it. He too had done it before. He too had a breakdown when I was finally allowed near 'his' financial information. Despite having an excellent job he was buying everything on credit cards, then just paying the minimum payment each month. He'd been doing this for years. Every so often he'd clear the cards with a loan and just start again.

My ex suffered from depression. He also said he didn't know what he'd do if I left him. So I didn't. Then when he went back to going out every night and buying everyone else drinks he started sleeping around.

Obviously your ex might not start shagging other people, but I'm now in my 40s with nothing to show for it because in court he claimed his debts were 'debts of the marriage'. So I am now paying off some of the drinks and flowers he used to woo the OW.

He has his parents to bail him out. Do you want to go down with the ship or save yourself years and ££££ and say three strikes and he's out?

Dear Lord, no you are no bitch nor are you selfish, in fact you've been far too generous with yourself towards him.

Get out, get rid, he won't change, he knows you and his parents will keep bailing him out, he brings absolutely zero to your table or your child's, you are basically carrying an adult child. What respect can he expect, he does FA, even at home.

Please value yourself more than being saddle with this total waste of space who brings you nothing but misery.

Thank you everyone. I told him I want to leave him, unfortunately we have to stay living together until we sell the house due to the financial situation. I've started to prepare the house for valuation and I think he's in denial, but one step at a time I guess. You all made me feel much better, thank you so much xxx