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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help needed -- abusive STBXH demanding to move back in

24 replies

SanityChick · 01/05/2018 22:00

I'll try to keep this brief but it may not be. I separated from my H two years ago and he moved out. He was and has continued to be abusive in a number ways, not paying any maintenance, refusing to agree to any childcare agreements -- grudgingly does two school pick-ups a week and then disappears. My daughter lives with me all the time. He constantly demands money from me. He's got fairly severe mental health problems and his life has unwound over the past few months to the point where he has difficulty working and he's about to be kicked out of the flat he's rented for two years.

I've offered to help him with a deposit towards a new flat and he says no and is demanding to move back in to my flat until the divorce goes through (I am going to have to pay out to him, he doesn't have a penny, house is in my name so he will benefit from the divorce. I will be lucky to keep my flat). He has harassed me in various ways over the past few months, suicide threats, threats to burn the flat down among them. I've reported two of these to the police. He's also separately been picked up by the police on several occasions due to his mental health and has been seen by a mental health team. I think he basically needs to be sectioned but as some of you know its not that easy to get someone sectioned. I have tried to help him as far as I can with his mental health issues, but there's a limit to what I can do.

I don't want him to be on the street, but I am very worried about him moving back, for obvious reasons. I'm not worried he will hurt me or DD (who is his), but just that his selfish and odd behaviour will freak her out, that it will be unsettling for her once he's moved back in and that he will generally make my life a nightmare once he's in the house.

He literally has nowhere else to go and no money and I don't want him to die or be homeless but I'm very worried.

Do I have any legal recourse to prevent him moving back in? Seeing a solicitor tomorrow but would be good to get some advice here too.

OP posts:

Sarahlou63 · 01/05/2018 22:08

He can "demand" all he wants. You can choose to protect your child's wellbeing.

RandomMess · 01/05/2018 22:10

Getting an occupation order for the property, molestation order against him both could be options

Oh you know when you lost your keys and changed the locks... he'd have to go to court to force you to give him s copy!

MrsBertBibby · 01/05/2018 22:13

Are you in Dngland/Wales

MrsBertBibby · 01/05/2018 22:13

England!

Original poster

SanityChick · 01/05/2018 22:35

Thanks. I'm in England MrsBert.

I will discuss this with my lawyer tomorrow.

I'm obviously going to prioritise my DD's wellbeing over his. But what will be the outcome of this if he has nowhere to go? As much as I desperately don't want him living here, I also don't want him on the streets.

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 01/05/2018 22:39

Do you want my honest answer? It sounds like you're wayyyy over prioritising him. And it sounds like hes still controlling you. Why is any of his shit your problem? Why are you engaging in ongoing communication with him?

RandomMess · 01/05/2018 22:40

You need to stay hardcore he can go to the council he can go in a hostel, you can expedite the financial settlement as much as possible

Singlenotsingle · 01/05/2018 22:44

Hasn't he got any friends or parents who can help him out? I suppose they don't want the ag either. Really he's not your problem. If you let him in, you might never get rid of him.

Original poster

SanityChick · 01/05/2018 22:51

Desmondo because I don't want my daughter to have to experience her father's suicide or homelessness. Call me soft, but I don't want to put her through it.

Single basically no. He's not British (lived here a long time) and his family live a long way away. Never been very good at making and keeping proper friends. Of the small handful of people he knows who he could call friends I don't think any of them would take him in.

I've offered to pay for a flight home for him and he says he doesn't want to go.

OP posts:

AdaColeman · 01/05/2018 23:06

You have to put your daughter first in all this, as you already know.

You have offered several ways of helping him, but he has rejected them all. Why do you think that is?
My guess is that his aim is to get back into your property, possibly to delay the divorce, certainly to put pressure on you and control you.

He won't be on the streets, manipulative people will always find a way to get help from someone. He can go to a homeless hostel for one thing.

Whatever you do, don't let him back into your home, if you do you will struggle to get rid of him.

papaver · 01/05/2018 23:10

You say you don't think he will hurt you or your dd but can you be sure of that when his mh is deteriorating to such an extent and he is making threats. Have you thought of contacting child services? In a not too dissimilar situation I have found them quite supportive and given your situation they would probably place your dd under safeguarding. I found that mh services were really only interested in both myself and dd in the role as carers whereas child services will prioritise her needs and safety.

AdaColeman · 01/05/2018 23:13

Have you contacted Women's Aid? They will be able to give you some sound advice.

Cawfee · 02/05/2018 04:00

If he’s name isn’t on the mortgage or rent then he has absolutely no rights to move back in. Is he paying anything towards mortgage or rent? No. Then he can’t demand to move back in. If you let him move back in then your life and your daughters life will be a nightmare. Please don’t do it. He needs to sort himself out. Speak to CAB and the council housing office but honestly, I think you have done more than enough. You can’t keep bailing out a grown man. When does it stop? When your DD is 10? 15? 25? He’s your ex. He’s your ex for a reason. Time to set some boundaries. You have to be able to move on from a relationship that ended two years ago!

MrsBertBibby · 02/05/2018 05:43

If he’s name isn’t on the mortgage or rent then he has absolutely no rights to move back in.

He has matrimonial rights of occupation unless extinguished by decree Absolute or suspended by an Occupation Order.

OP you can't help him. He doesn't want your help. And please stop minimising the threat he poses to your daughter. You are not putting her first, which is common in victims of abuse.

He doesn't want a home, he has refused the money to get one. He wants more access to his victims.

You need advice about getting an occupation order to stop him getting back in. And a non molestation order to keep him well away with his threats of arson. Start putting your daughter first, all this about not wanting her to see him homeless is very fine, but it is prioritising him over her.

Angrybird345 · 02/05/2018 06:11

Sorry but he really doesn’t give a toss about your dd so why are you him? Keep him away.

ferrier · 02/05/2018 06:41

He relinquished his ability to make you feel guilty when he threatened you and your dd. Your number one priority is keeping your dd safe so please don't let him back. As pp said, change the locks if necessary and get an occupation order. The act of doing this may help him to access mental health services and accommodation.

userabcname · 02/05/2018 07:08

Had similar with a relative being pressured by an ex to let him move back and, when she said no, pressuring her to sell the property and give him half the money. She told him to take her to court if he wants that to happen then blocked him on everything. He never has and she doesn't have to put up with his nonsense emails/texts/phonecalls. I would suggest the same approach here.

cakecakecheese · 02/05/2018 07:24

Stop helping him. I know you don't want your daughter to see him go through hard times but that's down to him not you as you've been more than generous to him but you have to focus on the wellbeing and safety of your daughter and yourself.

DownTownAbbey · 02/05/2018 07:32

If he doesn't bother with DD he may as well go an live with his parents overseas. He does have options.

SD1978 · 02/05/2018 07:39

By trying to do the right thing for him, you’re contemplating doing the completely wrong thing by you and your daughter. What he does is not your responsibility. Where he lives is not your responsibility. His mental health is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to you and to your child- full stop. He will be taking part of your home soon enough- Please don’t let him move in. You’ve offered financial support, he’s said no because he is still controlling and abusive. Don’t accidentally become anymore involved.

qazxc · 02/05/2018 07:39

He's unstable and potentially dangerous ( threat of arson). Do not let him back in.
You cannot help someone that does not want to be helped.

Emeralda · 02/05/2018 07:46

I would be making other arrangements for the two school pickups he does grudgingly too.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/05/2018 09:08

Please speak to Womens Aid if you haven't already.
Is the flat in your name only?
Do NOT allow to move in with you and your DC.
He is a grown up.
Responsible for his own living arrangements.
You need to take a step back from this man.
He's not good for you or your DD.
He continues to harass and abuse you and in turn, your DD.
This will not end well if he moves in and you know it.
You've given him other options, he is choosing not to take them.
That's his issue. NOT YOURS!!!
You cannot save him.
Stop trying.

Storm4star · 02/05/2018 15:25

The mental health team need to be helping with regards to his housing. If the arson threat was reported to the police then he will not get a hostel place as, obviously, they have to think of the safety of all residents. I don’t know where in the uk you are but people do end up on the streets, every single day. People who say “go to the council” have no idea i’m afraid.

I do agree 100% you can’t let him live with you. But I am somewhat surprised that people are taking the attitude that you should wash your hands of him entirely, given it seems that it’s his mental illness making him act this way. If he has a CPN or any kind of input like that, i’d speak to them. I also agree that social services may be able to help. They can link him in with adult social care, as it seems he needs some kind of supported housing. CAB may also have some good advice.

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