Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Arghh!! I want to leave....or do I? Arghh!! Confused

17 replies

FlatEric123 · 01/05/2018 21:32

Hi, I am hoping to be able to use this as a safe sounding board - my mind is a big, confused mess and I need a bit of perspective from people not involved Smile
My Husband and I have been married for 9 years, together 12. We have a 15 yo boy (from my previous marriage) and a 7yo girl. We live in a house tied to his job and far away from any family. Thing is, I feel that maybe I should leave.
Not just on a whim - there have been issues! During our time together he has unfortunately managed to gamble massive amounts of money away. The first time to the tune of £35k (before we got married - don't ask why I went through with it as I don't know the answer Blush. The second time towards the back end of last year; this time £28k. He is now bankrupt.
We unfortunately also lost our family home due to Hubby renting it out to his best friend (we were working in a different part of the country) who then sublet it to several people, took their money and then never passed the money on to us. As we couldn't afford the rent on the house we were in and the mortgage on the other, we lost that house Sad. This other person had been the best man at our wedding and the killer is that they are still friends now. Angry

Fast track to now and I have supported him with his bankruptcy application and taken care of the finances. We could continue as we are - he is not physically abusive or particularly nasty in anyway. However, I feel absolutely nothing. No, that's not completely true. I feel contempt, I feel deceived, I feel monumentally stupid for not seeing this coming again, I feel drained for living on such a shoe string budget for so many years and having nothing to show for it.

My son is fully supportive of a motion to leave - he's never been the biggest fan. My daughter is blissfully unaware that anything is going on.

Am I being selfish or dramatic in wanting to leave?

When he touches my skin recoils away from him. Perhaps this is normal and I will feel better towards him in the future? Would you stay for the kids? Is it better for the kids to stay together?

Arghh - I have no clear thoughts anymore and feel like a shell of my former self.

Please reply with some words of wisdom - or humour. I'd take either!!

OP posts:
snackarella · 01/05/2018 21:50

Didn't want to read and run but I would suggest your feelings for him won't return....on that basis would you want to stay together forever? Probably not.
Have you asked him how he feels?

Original poster
FlatEric123 · 01/05/2018 21:57

Cheers snackarella - much appreciated Smile

He say's he loves me, I am his world, he wouldn't have got through this without me, he probably would have ended it all etc etc!

I'm mean...

OP posts:
sosickofthisshit · 01/05/2018 22:02

Speaking from experience with a stbxh who has spent the last 15 years running up debts and expecting me to bail him out, your feelings won't return. The resentment and contempt will increase to the point where you can't bear to be in the same room as him. Don't make the same mistake I did and stay for the kids. I agreed to stay for my DS, after asking for a divorce 3 years ago. Now I can't stand the sight of him, and can't wait to be free.

HollowTalk · 01/05/2018 22:06

God, no, I would have lost all feelings for him, too! Get away and stay away.

Original poster
FlatEric123 · 01/05/2018 22:06

sosickofthisshit - Thanks, so useful to hear from a voice of experience. Also sorry that you have had to experience it - I hope things work out well for you.

OP posts:
katelin39 · 01/05/2018 22:35

Oh god! Right with ya here?!! The not knowing what to do part that is! So confused as to whether to stay in a loveless un-satisfying boring marriage or uproot and wreck kids lives by leaving!
No issues with gambling or debt like you - what a frigging nightmare sorry 😞
But confused as hell and guilt of it all killing me! I have told him how I feel to which he is gutted about breaking up family and things are very strained between us right now. But I can't seem to make up my mind just when I think I know splitting up is definitely what I want then the next feeling I have is wtf are you thinking??!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh such a massive decision !!! Hope you have more luck making yours 👌🏼

Whyareallmensuchfuckingscum · 02/05/2018 03:15

Of course you are his world, you have supported him through not one massive mistake but numerous.
Time to put yourself first, you must be so tired of dealing with this. I hope you find the strength you need going forward and doing what is best for you x

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 02/05/2018 03:24

If your DS already doesn’t like him then staying for the children isn’t necessary. I mean, yes it would be hard for your DD, but it will be harder when you can make the rent because he’s gambled the money away.

You obviously don’t like him. If you can’t stand for him to even touch you I can’t imagine that’s going to get better.

£35K and £28K? So £63000??? Can you imagine how different your life would be with that money?

He clearly has a problem. He’s had a long time to solve it and he hasn’t. The damage is done. Move on while you still have time to save for retirement.

Angrybird345 · 02/05/2018 06:12

Wow! I would have walked ages ago.

Original poster
FlatEric123 · 02/05/2018 06:39

Super fast update as everything is a whirlwind right now.
Last night I told him it was over.
What next, I have no clue.
Writing on here did give me clarity - so thank you to you all. I must of posted to try and get confirmation that I wasn't completely wrong about the situation.
Thanks again everyone. Now I need to go and piece my life back together! Shock

OP posts:
Dozer · 02/05/2018 07:04

Good, leave, for your and your DCs’ financial future - get legal advice asap to sort out full financial separation and mitigate the risks of his actions to you. You can’t trust him to act fairly.

DownTownAbbey · 02/05/2018 07:26

Good luck. You've done the right thing.

I can't believe he's still friends with the man who stole your money and lost you your house. He's an idiot.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/05/2018 13:28

Well done OP.
You know you need to get away from this.
Now follow through and find some happiness for yourself.

Adora10 · 02/05/2018 13:32

I'd have been long gone, this is not a life, not for you anyway, he sounds a lazy selfish addicted idiot who has never addressed his issue or cared about the impact on his family, this is your future too, carrying this waste of space.

Why you are still there is madness.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/05/2018 13:36

Just to add to reasons why you should leave ... You lost the house because he let it to a friend who didn't pay the rent. and he's still friends with that guy?

It doesn't ring quite true, sounds more like he got the mone y, lost it , and the f friend is covering for him. Have you asked the friend what happened?

I m wondering why this wasn't pursued. How far behind was he with the rent?

I suspect he's lying to you.

whywhowhere · 02/05/2018 13:59

Op. How did he take it when you told him? Had he seen it coming or was he noncholant not thinking it will actually happen?

Original poster
FlatEric123 · 02/05/2018 15:52

Whywhowhere he is currently very quiet and remorseful. All very subdued. A few tears etc. He's been describing how great our future could be and other words to try to make me stay.
Delphiniumblue I had never thought about that as a possibility- been mulling it over but doesn't really fit. Obviously there was far more going on at that time that I haven't put in my original post. I can see your logic!

I'm now in that limbo place of not knowing what to do next. Not really got anywhere to go to! This means that I will have to keep things as pleasant as possible until I can sort things out.

It's nice to be able to put things out there on this forum - I really am grateful for the replies - they are keeping me sane!

Any advice for handling separation?! At least we have no possessions or money to argue over - every cloud Grin

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page