I do not want to visit my grandparents.

[MrsGorilla]

And I feel guilty, but....

They live two minutes from me. In 7 years they have phoned me once and not come to my house at all. They stick birthday cards through my door without even knocking. When I’ve made the effort to visit the following has happened/ happens:

• we sit there in complete silence unless I keep asking them things. Considering they are fairly old and she has arthritis, they don’t do much and have nothing to report so generating a conversation is hard. They ask me nothing. Not one question. Not about me, my husband, my son, nothing. The visit is like pulling teeth.

• gma doesn’t seem to like my (very shy and quiet, certainly not noisy) son. One time he leant on her sofa arm and she told him off. Another time he pushed his toy boat near her feet and she waved her hand at him and told him to move it away. She seems off with him.

• on the occasions when I’ve asked to pop round I’ve sometimes been told no because they want to watch something. And once I got told to go home because they wanted to start cooking lunch. I felt really embarrassed and awkward and shuffled off as requested.

• add the above to the fact that I’m NC with my mum and sister due to childhood abuse and I don’t know if my grandparents know about the NC or if my mum and sister might happen to pop by when I do, and I feel inclined to avoid.

However I’m aware they’re getting older now I feel guilty for not going over there. AIBU?

Sometimes older people get a little fixed in their ways and don’t like a change in routine. Maybe just pop in now and then and say hi? I wouldn’t take things to personally

I wouldn't bother! They sound awful.

Doesn't sound like there is anything to feel guilty about - they've done nothing to make you feel welcome, accepted or loved.

How long have they been like this?

Are they your mum's parents?

I would pop round a d drop off a few biscuits/ bottle of wine/ nice jar of marmalade every 6 months to appease your guilt, and leave it at that.

@shortbook yes they are.

I think you can do whatever is best for you or easiest to live with. Have you generally been trained to think that everything is your fault? I think you have no reason to feel guilty or responsible.

Send Christmas + birthday cards.
Job done .

I don't really have a relationship with my grandad. He's an hour away. Always been stuck in his ways but since his wife died (not my grandma) he basically has given up. I take my dcs all the way to see him and he doesn't speak to us. Doesn't even turn off his tv. He smokes constantly and never has a window open - his house is disgusting.

Eldest is autistic and last time my grandad called him a 'miserable bugger'.

Also refused to look at my wedding photos as it had photos of my uncle (his son) who he disowned. He had the cheek to call my uncle a 'fat sod'.

I've never enjoyed seeing him but after the last time, I decided that would be my last. Or at least the last for my dcs. I'm pregnant and doubt he will ever meet his newest great grandchild - doubt he will be bothered though.

Elderly people can get stuck in their ways, I understand that but it's no excuse for damn right rudeness. Especially when you've travelled to see them.

@bastardkitty yes.

It's a problem that goes with the territory of abusive parents, unfortunately. Have you had any therapy? This might be a good opportunity to think about yourself and learn to let others be responsible for the consequences of their actions. Your gps don't deserve your efforts. Wishing you all the best and hope you learn not to be so dutiful x

I honestly wouldn't visit them. However if you feel guilty for not visiting then just cut the visits down to Christmas and birthdays. You make all the effort and they sound like they don't seem bothered that you are there.

My grandparents also live 2 minutes away, and until I had DS they were never bothered about me. Apart from posting cards through my door (even when I'm in the house and you can see the tv on through the window) before DS they have only come to visit twice in 4 years. The first was when we moved in, and the second time was when it was my birthday the same year. Also, on one of their card drop offs, they decided to have a nosey in my back garden - gates went up not long after that! When I tried to visit them they were always busy - it was their lunch time, drs appointments etc, yet whenever my parents would visit them they would complain that I never come to visit. I just gave up trying to see them after that.

Since DS was born, they expect to see him every couple of months. But they aren't bothered about me. They will call to check up on him and never once ask how I am doing. I just rush through their visits as quickly as possible as it makes me feel uncomfortable being around them.

@bastardkitty yeah I did a year of therapy. It helped me to find some clarity and distance myself. And because I went NC I’ve ‘found’ myself and it’s been great for my peace of mind. But it’s all a had a ripple effect to far reaches of my life and I still struggle with certain things.

@figmentofimagination I’ve had similar re people not bothering until there is a cute kid to see (my mum in my case). It’s a bloody cheek.

I think that because my family would frown on me not going round and they already think I’m horrible for not putting up with their shit etc I feel pressure to go. But I know my grandparents are not interested in me at all so really why bother.

@MrsGorilla it is cheeky. It makes you feel worthless, like you didn't matter until you provided a cute little baby. I'm actually waiting for a summons at the moment as it's my DS birthday soon.
The relationship with my GP's has always been painful, even when I was a child (comparing me, my sis and my cousins; making my mum feel unimportant compared to my aunt etc.) and was really noticeable during big events (falling out with me because I didn't invite my young cousins to my 18th, falling out again when I had a child free wedding so my cousins DC couldn't come, but not getting involved when none of us - me, my parents and my sis - got an invite to my cousins wedding). Not that I'm bitter about it

In your case, I don't think you should feel pressured to go at all, especially from your family. Try and ignore the frowning. Add it to the rest of the shit that you refuse to put up with.

But I know my grandparents are not interested in me at all so really why bother. < I can hear your voice poud and clear here!

*loud

I don't believe it. My grandparents forgot it was my son's birthday. My mum went to visit them the day after to drop off some cards and they asked to see photos of him. My mum got to the ones from his birthday and said "here he is on his birthday" and they either didn't hear or ignored the comment. They just kept saying send us the photos. They have the photos of him on display in their house. I feel it's just for show, to show off to their friends.
Oh, and as usual they never asked about me or my sister (who lives overseas).

figment that is beyond frustrating. I’m sorry. You need to disconnect from them if you can.

@MrsGorilla - I'm sorry to add my issues to your thread. But thank you for your words.

How are you doing? Have you been to see your grandparents?

They sound like a barrel of laughs. :(

This isn’t an elderly person thing, it’s a miserable people thing. The message to you is clear. I would go where you are wanted and loved and enjoy your life, every minute of it, without a second more guilt over this.

@figmentofimagination think nothing of it. No I haven’t seen them. My grandma broke her hip and had surgery which added to my guilt, however I had a valid reason for not rushing round, I.e my NC mum was likely to be in and out. I know my mum is busy one afternoon next week with something and therefore I’d have a clear space to pop round, but I still feel URGH about going.

@trackrbird thank you.

Dear god they sound awful.

My grandparents, despite being well into their 80s, still babysit my kids! They even insist on doing a school run once a week because they want their great grandchildren to remember them when they're gone. They're warm and loving to all their grandchildren and (now) great grandchildren. They're engaged with all our lives, are consistently interested in everyone's goings on, and still play a massive part in overall family life.

My mother, on the other hand, sounds like your grandparents!

Can't blame you one bit for wanting to pull back from yours. It shouldn't be that hard.

I've pulled back on contact with my whole paternal side, we only see each other 3 times a year despite being within a mile of the lot. Fed up with effort being one side (or getting all the criticism), so I've stopped calling/texting/making appointments with them. I have also put all of them as "acquaintances" on Facebook so I can limit what they see of our lives. I will see them if they engage with me but I've just had enough of pushing for this relationship from my side. They don't want to see me then it is their loss, of course I still have unbelievable guilt. I fear they might die and then I have to live with the fact I didn't fight longer, but sometimes there comes a time when you have to either give up or take a break. Suppose I feel like I am on an extended break.

Loopylass I understand your position entirely. :-(

I’ve been having a discussion about my grandparents with my cousin today. I said to her that they ask me not to come if they would rather watch a tv programme, or they ask me to leave so they can cook lunch, and they don’t ask a single thing about us. And she said it’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they’ve forgotten how to communicate. Is that a thing?! Don’t think so.

Just because, by some accident of fate, you have ended up sharing some DNA with these people does not mean that you have to endure their frankly awful behaviour. You owe them nothing.

Get on with your life and spend time in the company of people you love and who love you. That may include family members, but on the other hand it may not. Do not drag your poor children around to see these soulless creatures.

@MrsGorilla I don't think it's forgetting how to communicate if they say they don't want you round because they are watching TV, having lunch etc., it's that they don't their priorities straight. It's unfair of them but they are prioritising their tv programme over you.

I think for your own well-being you need to decide what is best for you - feeling guilty for not visiting, or feeling unwelcome and upset when you do visit.