I think my boundaries are off. Please help!

[Beebopdeebop]

I didn't know which category to post this in so if it should be in the sex category I will request it be moved.

I am annoyed about something my DP did and don't know if I am being over the top. I haven't spoken to him about it yet so wanted outside opinions.

Last night we were on the sofa watching TV. I asked if he would rub my shoulders and this resulted in me taking my top off (with my bra still on). I was so relaxed when he was doing this and it was late on that I fell asleep. He woke me after a while to tell me to that we should go up to bed.

When up in bed we took our clothes off (as we always do before bed) and I made it obvious I wanted sex. He then admitted that while I'd been asleep with my head resting on him he'd 'stuck on a bit of porn and had a wank'. He said he was surprised I hadn't woken up.

I think he felt guilty as he told me he loved me several times and was overly affectionate. However, when I went downstairs to shower this morning and left him in bed I know he had another wank as could see the evidence (sorry tmi).

What is it with some men? I mean, I was lying there on the sofa in my underwear and he does that with me beside him. He said I looked so cosy he didn't want to wake me for sex. AIBU as I don't know anymore?

Ps just to clarify I don't have a problem with him having a wank bit was just shocked he would do that when I was right there. I also don't particularly mind if he watches porn on his own or with me...but not like that!!

Boak, no sorry that's just rank.

I would be uncomfortable with this but what do you think?

@Flicketyflack I'm annoyed about it and was very quiet when he got up this morning. I think I haven't fully processed what happened yet or whether that's ok.

It wouldn't bother me, but that's entirely not the point - it bothers you and therefore it's not "okay" and part of you being able to process it is telling DP and making sure it doesn't happen again. I'm not sure if it's about "boundaries" per se, it's just something you need to tell him upset you, made you feel uncomfortable (violated?) and thus isn't something you'll tolerate happening again.

@ComtesseDeSpair why would it not bother you? It's ok if you don't want to say but I'm just curious. I almost felt like he had rejected me in favour of porn, especially as I was lying there in my underwear and very rarely reject sexual advances.

Wouldn't bother me. So what if he had an orgasm? He's your husband, how many of them have you already been there for? So what if he had one more? Sorry it bothers you, as the poster above says tho.

I think if uou are teeling annoyed about it then it is not ok. Perhaps talk about it with him.

I was unsure from your post whether you didn't like it because it felt he'd rejected you or because you felt violated that he'd had a wank to porn whilst you were so close and nearly naked.

It wouldn't bother me (from time to time, that is - if my partner was rejecting sex in favour of wanking on a regular basis, that would be a problem) because sometimes an orgasm is an itch to be scratched. I wouldn't be hurt by that. If he did it because he genuinely didn't want to wake you up, I think that's understandable: just as this has upset you, there would be women who would be upset or annoyed if a partner woke them up to ask for sex. That's why I said I didn't think it was an issue of boundaries in itself, because everybody's feelings on this sort of thing vary. The issue here is letting him know how you feel and negotiating what both of you would like to happen in similar circumstances in the future.

I would be bothered. He had a wank to porn while you were lying on him sleeping?
I can't explain why but I find that grim.

I can totally understand why you'd feel rejected.

It would bother me.

It I wanted sex and he said 'I can't, I had a wank earlier.' I would be absolutely fine.

But sleeping on him while he cracks one off to porn...makes me feel icky.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I'm not sure if I'm being over the top to be honest. It just made me feel bad about myself which is probably the main issue.

It doesn't really matter what we think about it, it made you uncomfortable and that's what matters. That's your boundary so just tell him.

In theory I would be fine - wouldn't feel violated or rejected - but in reality it would be a very non-DH thing to do so I would be a bit taken aback and bemused.

Mostly because he'd never do it on the sofa because I'd skin him alive if he made a mess on my cushions.

I think it's ok to not be ok with this so I'd just let him know. But not in an apeshit way.