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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother in law advise

7 replies

DM11 · 01/05/2018 14:54

My DH and MIL have always had a difficult relationship but fell out about a year and a half ago. None of us have spoken since and our children have had absolutely nothing to do with that side of the family.
My DH's parents are divorced and both remarried. There are lots of fall outs and regular drama, none usually including DH.
He reached breaking point last year and decided he needed a break. None of us were contacted again, until recently. I received a friend request on fb from MIL but no message.
We have researched some of her behaviours and believe she has some narcissistic trates; passive agressive, controlling, plays games, gas lighting, DH brother can do no wrong where DH can do no right.
She is very demanding and everything is on her terms. She has a way of manipulating a situation and spends a lot of time getting people on side.
My husband didn't want to be involved anymore but had expected his DM to contact him or me in the weeks following their fall out but it never happened.

I want to do what's best for our family and my DH but im not sure how to respond to her request.
DH is cynical and thinks it's more of her games. She will be able to tell people/ family that she has attempted to resolve things without actually apologising. I don't think there will ever be much of an apology but it would be nice for everyone to have an honest relationship. I don't know if it is possible to keep her at arms length to protect ourselves and keep the peace or just continue to focus on our little family and remain out of contact.

I also don't know what to say to her re the friend request..? I did wonder if it was sent accidentally..

Sorry to ramble! Any advise would be greatly appreciated x

OP posts:
cafenoirbiscuit · 01/05/2018 15:22

Ignore, block, and enjoy the peace of your own little family.

Avasarala · 01/05/2018 15:28

She has form for getting people on her side, manipulating the situation etc. And now she's approached you, but not her son.

If you accept it, id imagine the rest of the family being told "Dil and I are friends, but son still acting all up himself. How rude and ungrateful he is" etc.

She's looking for a way in around her son, and then she can play it that he's the problem and it's not her.

If you want to fork a relationship, it's needs to be with your husband as a team.

Cornishclio · 01/05/2018 15:37

I would ignore it. Sounds like manipulation to me without ever addressing the problem between her and your DH. It wont be an honest relationship unless both you and DH are on board.

She probably sent the facebook request to see what you and your DH are up to. If you think that your DH should try to mend fences with his family then talk to him and suggest he contacts them. If he is not bothered then leave it. It is his family. Do your children miss their grandparents and was the original falling out sufficiently bad to CO contact with them or did your DH over react?

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/05/2018 15:38

Don't accept it, block her on fb and pretend it never happened. She sounds awful and you're better off without her toxic influence in yours and your family's life.

Sure she'll bitch and moan to people behind your backs, but who cares. Better than having her nastiness in your face.

DM11 · 01/05/2018 17:11

Thank you all for the replies!

There are so many falling outs but usually they don't involve my DH. He lets all of the criticism, exclusion, lack of consideration go. We'd had a tiring year with MIL & BIL and DH is usually in tbe middle trying to keep the peace but so many things were being said about him it was tough. Then Christmas came around and when we explained to her what that would look like for our family (1 xmas day, gifts under the tree for xmas morning etc) it didn't go down well because she is used to having a christmas day at hers, even if it isn't on the day itself. On christmas morning he received several texts letting him know he had ruined her xmas, was taking the 'glory' from her gifts, is a terrible son etc etc..
That's when DH decided he'd had enough and told her not to contact him again. That was the last we heard from her or her husband in almost 2 years. She hasn't made any attempt to reconcile, see the kids or make any contact at all.
They were very young and have no memory of her at all. They never asked about her and we didn't mention anything.

It does worry me that my children will grow up thinking family fall outs and cutting one another out is normal...

OP posts:
L1lacw1ne · 01/05/2018 18:59

No, your children will grow up understanding strong boundaries, how to deal with abusive people in their lives and thankfulness for being protected within a safe family unit.

Block, ignore and carry on with your lovely family.

DM11 · 01/05/2018 19:22

Thanks for your advise!

OP posts:
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