Recovering from a relationship with a narcissist

[eightfacesofthemoon]

I have namedchanged, but I am an old and regular user. I just wanted to start this thread and for anyone to join me!

I have really only started this journey after 4 years of being in an on off relationship with a narcissist.

Now I know a lot of people out there say that we shouldn't use armchair psychology, but only last week my therapist ended up almost shouting at me "he is a narcissist!" You could kill yourself literally and metaphorically if you let this continue.

I desperately didn't want to believe it, I wanted to believe it was real love and he was a beautifully damaged person, whom I could help to recover and to be happy, with me (very much a fixer and people pleaser - apparently standard narc fodder).

I know that sounds totally bonkers, but when you're in the fog, there is no way you want to see it for what it is.

It's the classic Idealize, Devalue, Discard and it's been happening to me, in that pattern for too long.

Has anyone else been through this and can offer support, can we offer each other support. I don't want to go on about him too much, because in a way that's fuelling me still thinking about him! but it would be great to here from other insightful mumsnetters about how they got through this and came out the other side.

Because right now, life without him seems like a bloody dark and scary place.

I have been through abuse such as you describe. I was stupid enough to take it all on board and believe the rubbish that was coming my way. Eventually I saw the light and realised how daft it all was. I was told I was stupid but then expected to do the very thing for my abuser that I was being told I was too stupid to do!
I have walked away. I cant go on like this. I was so destroyed. It was useless to try to please the abuser as no matter how hard I tried I would never succeed in pleasing this person.
The problem is that my abuser is not they type of person you would imagine. I wont talk openly because I don't think I would be believed.

Hi OP, sorry you’ve got through such a hard and probably devastating four years. Are you friends and family still supportive of you?
I don’t know if my ex was a narcissist but certainly had qualities of. He was pathological and sexually abusive. I walked away about 8 times, but always went back. Much like you said, I thought he was beautifully damaged, perfectly imperfect, lust encompassing man. He told me he wanted to marry me, have a home with me, that he’d never felt this way before blah blah blah shit. I began to get very ill within around 7/8 months in.
Anyway, 18 months on and we’ve been broken up for I think nearly two months. I went to see him two weeks ago after I sent a fuck you message to him as he’d strung me along, only for him to call me vindictive and asked me to leave. Since then it’s been hardly any contact, I will just politely reply.
I gained weight and I am in pain from the tension, the relationship has left me emotionally and physically drained and damaged. We had a threesome, which he talked about nearly everyday, I thought once that was ticked off we could settle down, he just dumped me. Horrendous and scary how people can treat each other isn’t it.
You are in a dark and scary place now, I know how you feel and the scary thoughts that can pop up. But as pp mentioned, you could never have done enough. It is not a fault of yours. You will heal, learn and rebuild yourself, he will be a narcissist for ever.

God that sounds awful for both of you.
I feel like I had a lightbulb moment yesterday. I sent him a final email on the advice of my therapist to tell him it was finally over and not to contact me.
I’ve blocked him on everything

Though last time I did this, he phoned from another number and emailed from another address. I don’t think he is going to do this again. I was quite clear in my intentions.

The damage they leave behind is immense.

Right now I feel a small relief for seeing him for what he is. But I am very scared that the old longing is going to kick in very soon.

When things were good, they were fantastic, but I was always left feeling very empty.

Have you both cut all contact? How is that going.

Wading- he sounds so horrific, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was an actual psychopath

I thought I was a strong person, but he’s brought me to the depths of dispair, often I thought of ending it all.

I also got physically ill. I came out with hives all over my body. I think this level of stress can cause a physical reaction
Fucking scary.

I had a reality check. After 6 years with a belittling selfish asshole I was kissed by a friend. I realised that I was still attractive, and that I couldn't possibly stay with someone so horrible any longer. 2 weeks later I packed his bags and started divorce proceedings.

You need to believe, genuinely believe in yourself. That you shouldn't settle or be with anyone who doesn't add to or improve your life.

I followed this principle and now am married to the man of my dreams, after 5 years I still think he is perfect.

Believe in yourself. The rest follows.

Sadly I had just come out of an abusive relationship of a different kind, and he was the friend I kissed. I thought that he truly loved me, and I think that’s going to be the hardest part to move on from.
Losing my best friend, who I thought really truly loved me and who I guess I thought was the saviour after 10 years of dealing with other horrendous abuse.

I am trying to have some introspection, but sometimes I think that I am just unloveable

As treacle said, believe in yourself, the rest follows. You absolutely are loveable. You will get through this.
Many people take several times of leaving before it really happens. It’s difficult to accept the end of what is so good at times, but I’m guessing that’s when you were both doing things he liked?
There’s also the constant adrenaline from the turmoil which can be addictive.
I’ve even felt I’ve missed some of the abuse, because at least it felt like he cared.

What I’m saying is...you are going to be okay, it will hurt with every fibre of your being, but you won’t die. And actually, eventually, you will be far better off physically and mentally. Do whatever you need to to keep your head above water.

Thanks wading. I hope the same for you. Have you had any recent contact after you last spoke to him?
I can’t really check social media as he is private on everything. Which I should count as a blessing.

We were best friends for years before anything happened, so I thought I was one of the lucky ones who actually gets to end up being with their true best friend. Love and friendship, what more does anyone want.

Maybe even our friendship wasn’t real? Maybe even that was just something he used.

I don’t want him to be a narcissist. And I don’t bandy that term about lightly, if my therapist hadn’t have said it, I would never have believed it. But perhaps I always want to see the good in people, and even now I want to believe he loved me.

I’ve got to see him tomorrow. At a work thing. I will try and be strong. I’m sure he will he charm personified

Have you read about intermittent reinforcement. I think this often happens with a narcissist.
They really can strip you bare and make you feel like you’re mad.
If you have to see him, you should go grey rock. Don’t get drawn in. Try and distance yourself

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/intermittent-reinforcement

I have some experience with this and it’s hard. I think all I can do now is see their game for what it is so get a bit of emotional distance from it.

Thanks yes I am trying to create distance
I won’t lie though, I would really like him to come back and say he really does love me.
I know that’s not possible, but I can’t help those thoughts

It’s a long hard process op but recognition of the situation is the first step x

Thanks yellow.
I am panicking a bit about tonight. I can't avoid going as it's with other work colleagues. I have tried to look my best, and then got annoyed with myself for caring what I look like when I see him.
I think he will ignore me, and I'm worried how that will make me feel too.
I am just one big ball of anxiety.

Im sorry for what you are going through....it is crushing I know.... I dont mean to be goady....but I find it worrying that your "therapist" is labelling your ex....and telling you what to do (re the email)...
Is s/he qualified? I just dont want you to be getting poor "help" at a very vulnerable time... The work that you should be focusing on with your therapist is why you let yourself be treated so badly...and what you can do going forward to avoid repeating that.... It will probably feel helpful to talk to your therapist about how awful your ex was....but that is not the best way to use the time (use your friends for that its free!)...
You can`t change him...you can only change yourself...
Hopefully someone with a greater knowledge than me will comment to help you.
I hope that it goes okay for you tonight x

I hit breaking point. Until I read this I didn't put it together, but also had physical symptoms- he used to kiss my neck but only down 1 side and I kept getting a rash which would not go away. Just before I finally hit rock bottom I had tried 3 lots of steroid cream but the strange rash then spread over parts of my face. Now he is gone it is under control, but my mind hasn't been.
It is the worst 18 months I have ever endured. I was sucked in by a master manipulator. Love bomb? Wow- 1000's of messages full of hearts, 'I love you' (he called me his otter. Apparently we woke up holding hands one night and otters hold hands at night so they don't drift apart. Only, I don't remember waking holding his hand!). The gaslighting was incredible -the more I listened to my gut something was wrong, the more he held back. He NEVER answered a direct question. Ever. Would burst into tears if crossed (I know it as 'vulnerable narcissism' now) and no matter how bad a time I was having, within 2 days he was having a worse time (something usually made up or used for effect).
I have finally broken free. 3rd attempt, but this time I took action so severe to finish it, that I don't think he will be back.

Thanks everyone
Yesterday was ok. We bumped into each other but there were lots of other people around so it was easy to be breezy. I couldn’t really look at him.
I feel a bit numb today though

Ohdearmissis - my therapist is very good and they’ve really helped me. They did actually say they only thought from what I’ve told them that he’s a narcissist, and that they couldn’t know for sure. But all the evidence suggested it. And with the email, they didn’t tell me as such, we worked through what might help me to have some sort of control over my own life, rather than being caught in the trap once again.

They have been very good helping me to look deeper into why I ended up with him, my childhood, my own sense of self etc.

I’ve beem with them 1.5 years so they’ve been party to my journey of endlessly being picked up and dropped and manipulated.

Notmycircus - I’m sorry you went through that with your guy, it’s truly horrific what they do and how long they can seem to do it for.

I miss the old him though, so much and I wish I could make those thoughts go away. I actually feel sad for him, that he will never be able to be truly happy.

You are not unlovable and you are incredibly strong. These men are like a drug, they drip poison till the point where we completely lose ourselves and completely reliant on them. I left and went to a refuge after two years of it. It was horrible but the peace I felt by not constantly being hit and put down helped me through. Such a cliche but it's time. Do anything you can to distract yourself, write a diary say all the things he did and how he made you feel and when you want to reach for the phone re read it. We have to keep moving forward can't let them win

well done op for getting through today.
I seem to have reached a stage where I look back and think 'was he really that bad'. While my head says yes, my heart says no. I know I couldn't go through it again. I do wonder if I will ever hear from him again- it has been a month now- too soon to say I am safe?!
Yet I am torn- part of me misses him, misses our friendship- the other part screams 'you will get sucked in again'.

@notmycircusnotmymonkey
God I know that feeling so well. A month is good! Hopefully one day we won’t think of them at all xx