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Original poster

Anyone had an affair that developed into a 'propper' relationship?

27 replies

Aniles · 08/08/2004 23:51

My single friend started an affair with a married man a few months ago. At the time I tried to warn her off but she was adament that it was just a bit a fun, she knew he wouldn't leave his wife and kids and she accepted that. She said that she was happier having a casual no-strings fling rather than have to deal with the problems she has encountered in the past with real relationships (she has had a few bad 'uns!). He gave her the usual 'I'm not happy, just staying for the sake of the kids' talk and I gave her the 'they all say that, he's just using you, you (and his wife) will end up getting hurt' talk.

Now the inevitable has happened! She's fallen for him big time and he's talking about leaving his wife. From what my friend has told me he has actually taken steps towards doing this, so it doesn't seem to be 'just' talk.

I'm really worried about my friend getting badly hurt. Obviously I feel bad for the wife and children (I've been cheated on myself) but my friend is my friend and I love her. Has anyone had any experience of an affair developing into a real relationship? Does it always end in tears for the 'other woman'?

OP posts:
expatkat · 08/08/2004 23:57

There was an affair thread on mumsnet that got a little nasty a couple of years ago. I remember that a bunch of mumsnetters came clean about affairs they'd have--but only one said she'd had a proper relationship (a marriage & kids) come out of it. Everyone else seemed to have been left high and dry, and they recommended staying away from affairs at all costs.

tammybear · 09/08/2004 00:06

My dad had an affair with another woman whilst married to my mum. They divorced, but got back together, had me, my sister, and two brothers. My dad left again as he couldnt cope with the stress of us, and always put work first. Plus my uncle had an affair, but when he divorced my aunt to marry his mistress, she divorced him and turned out to be a gold digger.

I know you really want to help her, but I think the only thing she can do is learn from her mistakes but I really do hope things will work out okay for her, whether its with him or not. xxx

regular · 09/08/2004 04:11

I've changed my name for this but just wanted to let you know that dh and I met 16 yrs ago (when he was still married) and we have now been married 12 years and have a child together.

We met at work, were just friends at first but he ended up telling me that he was very unhappy at home - susupected his wife had cheated on him and she had a habit of going out a lot at night & coming home at 3.00 or 4.00 am, without letting him know where she was. They had two very young children at the time & from what I could gather, it was all very stressful.

He left her a few months after we'd met and although she was upset at first, she did find another man and ended up having another child with him. Things have not exactly been 'rosy' for us at times, and we went through a very rough patch when dh insisted he didn't want another child and I did (I had no children when we met). I think we've stayed together only because he's been very committed to making it work, and because I've also tried to take marriage very seriously since then. I regret the fact that his marriage break-up caused pain to a few people, especially his children, but several of dh's friends told me that he and his first wife were 'never really meant to be together', and I believe she knew this too. I think these cases can genuinely happen sometimes, although in most cases, relationships from affairs don't last - probably because of all the deception involved. Just my thoughts anyway.

sobernow · 09/08/2004 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joanneg · 09/08/2004 07:50

My mum was married with 2 children and had an affair with her married boss (his wife was pregnant). They left their partners and have now been married for 19 years and my mum brought the baby up because the exwife didnt want her when she found out about the affair.

It was all a bit messy for a couple of years but eventually everybody moved on. step fathers ex wife remarried. My dad remarried and any bitterness there was has gone.

spacemonkey · 09/08/2004 09:39

My uncle had an affair (he was married, she wasn't) and left his wife for "the other woman" - they've now been happily married for over 20 years.

daisy1999 · 09/08/2004 09:47

I'm sorry but I can't keep quiet any longer. The more I read of this the madder I get. An affair is bad enough but when there are children involved it is unforgivable. I can understand that marriages break down, but no-one IMHO should ever get into another relationship before ending the first one.

Momof2 · 09/08/2004 10:04

My Dad had an affair with my mum's best friend - both had 2 young children (her oldest was my best friend) 24 years later they are still very happily married (they also had a baby so there are 5 of us now).
My mum,although remarried for some 20 years, is still incredibly hurt and bitter about everything that happened.

Piffleoffagus · 09/08/2004 10:24

I did when I was 17 and he was 37 and married (a very poor marriage as his wife was also having an affair but still a bad chice for me)
We stayed together throught the divorce but then he cheated on me...
Lesson learned
once a cheater always a cheater

glitterfairy · 09/08/2004 10:34

My dad had a series of affairs when I was little and although left my mum for one of them came back. He eventually left when I was 19 and frankly it would have been better had he left earlier.

Affairs like relationships are all different and I dont think there are ever easy answers like they are all wrong or start one relationship after you have finished another life isnt like that its messy.

spacemonkey · 09/08/2004 10:36

I agree with you glitterfairy. Life just isn't black and white, especially in matters of the heart.

joanneg · 09/08/2004 10:53

daisy - I agree with you are saying as I was a child effected by her parents having affairs.

But the thread was very specific in asking the question can a propper relationship develop - not whether or not is is morally correct.

Twiglett · 09/08/2004 10:55

message withdrawn

daisy1999 · 09/08/2004 10:56

I'm sorry but it IS black and white. Granted you can't stop a relationship failing and you can't help falling in love with someone else but you can stop yourself sleeping with someone else before you finish the first relationship. It's called self control.

joanneg · 09/08/2004 11:02

but what do you think that we should do with people who have done this - tar and feather them and brand them with a hot iron never to develop a successful relationship again?

I dont think that affairs are right or ok - but in the fall out a succesful relation can be built.

Twiglett · 09/08/2004 11:03

message withdrawn

daisy1999 · 09/08/2004 11:06

lol twiglett

daisy1999 · 09/08/2004 11:07

What about a tattoo on their forehead saying "adulterer" (or whatever the injured partner chooses) to warn future partners?

vict17 · 09/08/2004 11:10

One of my best frinds is having an affair with a married man. It has been going on for about 4 years now (they met through work). He's given her all the lines 'my wife and I don't have sex' (find this very unbelievable as she was pregnant when he started this affair), 'it's a loveless marriage' blah blah blah. She really loves him and believes him everytime he says he'll leave and then something always comes up ie Christmas, school plays, birth of 2nd child. Me and my friends have told her exactly what we think ie you're wasting the best years of your life waiting for him when he's obviously never going to leave. She listens but never does anything. It's so frustrating. She's also given him countless ultimatums 'you leave her by Xmas or it's over' but she loves him too much to carry them through. Sorry, don't know if that's all relevant just had to get it off my chest as sick and tired of telling her to give him up!!

Momof2 · 09/08/2004 11:14

Another point of view, DP's marriage broke up because his ex had an affair and he found out. He says that at the time he was shocked, but hugely relieved as they both really wanted out, but were staying together because of their DD. Although it was a fairly traumatic time DP's parents helped out loads, were completely non judgemental - even helped his ex move into her new home,DP lived with them so he could afford to pay most of his wages towards the marital home while ex and DD lived there until she decided to sell it.
His ex is now with a new partner man, who is lovely, they have a new family and DD often goes to play at their house and vice versa. There is absolutely no acrimony regarding the end of the relationship, but both were just too set in their ways to accept it was over - in fact we are on very good terms with them. DP's theory is that had they remained together they would have basically lead seperate lives and only been civil to each other and he wonders how this may have affected his DD.

tammybear · 09/08/2004 11:15

I had the opportunity to start an affair with xdp whilst I was extremely unhappy with exp. I choose not to do anything until it was over between me and exp. I would hate to think that someone could do that to me, so wouldnt want to inflict that pain onto some else. There are so many people out there, so why do people go after those who are already taken?

libb · 09/08/2004 11:25

This is a very thought provoking subject. I met my DP whilst still married to exDH and exercised more than enough self control. DP and I worked together and we would meet up most days in the month or so before I left DH and we did nothing but talk and talk, it wasn't right of me to be meeting another man but it never felt wrong either. Not all affairs are hurtful or full of malice. Ex DH is now one of my closest friends and always will be.

Life is not black and white, it would've been so much easier to be handed a manual at the very beginning of life with the major milestones marked clearly against the specific years so I knew when I was meant to be getting it right.

My marriage wasn't working and it was never going to. Now I don't feel, from my personal experience, that it is my place to judge the circumstances of others - life is full of bumps and you just have to ride up and down with them.

Obviously this just my personal story amongst so many here so I sincerely hope that I don't offend anyone.

lou33 · 09/08/2004 13:30

I was engaged to another when I met my now dh. Been together 16 years and have 4 kids now.

ggglimpopo · 09/08/2004 14:05

Message withdrawn

anotherregular · 09/08/2004 14:41

DH and I have been together for 14 years. When I met him, he was extremely unhappy. His wife had had a series of affairs with other women and she spent most of the week with her then lover in London, while he looked after the children - none of whom were his biologically, but of whom he was very fond. Before I met him, I would have taken the same categorically negative view of affairs expressed by some people on this thread, but my feelings overcame this. We spent 18 unhappy months while he agonised over what to do. He felt a great responsibility for the children and it began to look as if he was going to be trapped in this terrible situation until they grew up. Then his wife took yet another new lover, one who insisted she wasn't prepared to compromise, and dh's ex-wife told him to leave. The divorce was painful and protracted. We tried extremely hard to do right by the children and have maintained contact with them (visits, holidays etc) ever since.

I'm not sure there are any generalisations I can make about all this. People's situations differ so much and you have to get to know someone very well before you can make a judgement about them in this kind of situation. 'Cheating' hardly seems like the right word for dh's dreadful unhappiness. As for whether an affair can 'normalise', well, ours has. We are very happy. But we are still living with the fall-out. Dh's ex-wife was implacably hostile about money and contact with the children right up until she died, last year. Also, people who have been in unhappy marriages can find it difficult to adjust to living with someone very different from their ex-partner. Dh and his wife had a pathologically bad relationship and it took several years for him to learn to avoid escalating small disagreements into large conflicts.

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