I am in a conundrum - firstly I am 8 weeks pregnant which blows everything completely out of proportion anyway and makes you an emotional volcano but this specific little niggle started a couple of months ago before I started feeling like death warmed up and crying at the Simpsons...
DP and I have been together for a year and a half - I have a dd who is nearly 8 whom dp has taken on as his own since we moved in together last July and they are great together - her natural father has never been around and we have just put in for dp to adopt meg as a step parent. As a family we do things together and live happily.
However - emotionally and sexually dp and I seem to live on the peripheral of relationship and never delve deeper. He has never told me how much he loves me or made me feel really treasured or adored, even at the beginning. In previous relationships I have always been very sexually active and liberal and have enjoyed fantastic sex with my partners as they have made me feel attractive and sexy. Dp doesn't ever look at me in a way that remotely suggests he acknowledges me a woman let alone fancies me. This has led to me becoming almost asexual and has certainly impacted on my sex drive in general which has gone from demanding sex a lot to not caring if I have it or not. His way of initiating sex is to roll over and stick his hard on in my back and moan slightly which is making me physically revolted. Where is the tenderness and the intimacy? I feel like we are lacking that deeper intimate connection whereby we meet eachothers emotional and physical needs openly and honestly. I rely on close friends to meet my needs to talk about my feelings as I am met with sarcasm and an emotional berlin wall when I talk about things I am passionate with dp. We talked about this a couple of months ago and I suggested that his mum walking out on him when he was 10 had something to do with his emotional inaccesability but he doesn't seem to have done anything about trying to make it right. What it has done to me is turn me from a very passionate, gushy, emotional person to a closed, hard bitch and I hate it. We talked again last night but yet again it seemed to be me who did all the talking and I tried to encourage him to talk and say if he understood what I was trying to convey to him and if he agreed or if he thought I was being unreasonable and all he seemed concerned about was that maybe he was incapable of showing emotions ever and seemed to suggest that I was expecting rather a lot from him. All I want is for him to show an interest in how I feel about things and for us to talk occassionally about how we feel about eachother rather than have the equivalent of chattign about the weather in relationshop terms!!
He is a very intelligent man and is very giving and caring - he provides for me and dd but I can't get past this need for our relationship to get to the level where we are secure about how we feel about each other and can discuss our feleings openly and without fear of ridicule or dismissal. Surely he should be able to tell me how he feels about me or am I asking too much from the man and should instead settle with the niceities of skirting around the peripheral of the relationship and not demand the intimacy I require?
Phew.... good to get that little ditty off ones chest.