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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this likely to progress?

21 replies

Howoftenisnormal · 30/04/2018 15:39

I met a man seven weeks ago, divorced with two children who he is besotted with and has half of the time. I’m a single mum with two children and no ex partner around. We have been out on dates but haven’t slept together, he seems keen but a little stuck in his ways having been single for a long time. He isn’t dating anyone else. I saw him on Thursday last week, he asked to see me again but isn’t available for several weeks as he has his children (teenagers).

It has made me think as when we do meet up I have to sort a babysitter for my young children. I don’t mind doing that at all but it struck me that he isn’t making any plans to see me for the times he has his teenagers who are more than old enough to be left for a few hours, instead I seem to be fitting in with when he is free. I’m also thinking that a man who had any sort of ooomph about him wouldn’t leave it two and a half weeks between dates?? He hasn’t rung me ever, just texts. He lives an hour from me which means things have to be planned in advance and he is very settled in his life and has made it clear he won’t ever leave his home which wouldn’t fit a combined family if things progressed long term (he brought this up talking about how much he loves where he lives).

I’m starting to think I might be setting myself up for being hurt if I continue to date him but don’t know if I’m being too cautious.

OP posts:

SnowGoArea · 30/04/2018 16:01

He possibly has a lot to be cautious about too I guess. Maybe doesn't want to throw himself enthusiastically into something that doesn't work out? Could be a red flag but isn't a definite one.

Assuming you haven't been put right off, I think I'd give a pre-specified amount of time (1month or 3 dates or something), without getting your hopes up too much. And perhaps have an honest chat with him about your concerns, given there's nothing to lose.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2018 16:05

I would give this man the boot, you do not owe anyone a relationship either.

He is not worth any more of your time and the little you do know about him is not worth any more of your time. He is not ready for a relationship and you seem to be very much a non priority.

keepingbees · 30/04/2018 16:09

I don't think it can progress sorry. If he's not really bothered now then he never will be. He might be taking things very slowly- fair enough. But he sounds very inflexible and sounds like if it did ever progress he'd be expecting you to make the sacrifices.

Original poster

Howoftenisnormal · 30/04/2018 16:16

Thanks, that’s really helpful. I’m fine with things going slowly but this feels too slow. I spent last year waiting around for a man who said he wanted a serious relationship yet only saw me once a week maximum, it later turned out he just wanted casual. Once a fortnight to me isn’t enough contact for me to not go on dates with other men. I think he is keen and likes the idea of a relationship with me but I don’t think he is prepared to make sacrifices himself (eg leave his kids home alone, they’re 17 and 15) or change his routine to fit in seeing me.

I’m wondering how to bring up the conversation. Do I check with him when he is free and then when he says two weeks say that I don’t really think it is what I’m looking for as my whole purpose of dating is to go out and have company?

OP posts:

Ryder63 · 30/04/2018 16:20

Too much like hard work, OP. You will almost certainly always be a non priority, his kids, however old they are, will always take up most of his spare time and headspace. Fine for them and him, not so much for someone who wants a partner.

Poopooweewee · 30/04/2018 16:22

'keen' isn't waiting two and a half weeks between dates. Keen is going out of your way to make dates happen as often as possible. Sorry I don't want to make you feel bad.

When you meet the right guy, you'll know; he won't expect you to do all the running, it will be equal, he will make it v clear that he wants to see you, as much as possible. Don't settle for someone as lame ass as this guy.

Dozer · 30/04/2018 16:22

Wouldn’t bother.

Yes, unless his DC have additional needs it’s odd that he won’t leave them for a few hours to go on a date.

Ryder63 · 30/04/2018 16:23

Do I check with him when he is free and then when he says two weeks say that I don’t really think it is what I’m looking for as my whole purpose of dating is to go out and have company?

Excellent idea imo. No point wasting much more of your precious time waiting. Don't 'settle' for a half - arsed relationship.

Gemini69 · 30/04/2018 16:26

it's all very ... his life .. his location.. his kids.. his feelings.. his priorities.. what about you lovely...

I'd be inclined to agree with everyone else.. he's not a keeper...

Original poster

Howoftenisnormal · 30/04/2018 16:26

No additional needs regarding the children other than a very involved “daddy” who likes to be around them as much as possible. I don’t understand why they aren’t out doing their own thing.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 30/04/2018 16:28

All about him and little effort from him towards you, I'd move on OP, he's making it pretty clear that you are bottom of the priorities.

Original poster

Howoftenisnormal · 30/04/2018 16:28

You’re right Gemini. It has thrown me a little because he isn’t the typical dater and is actually quite unsure of himself with relationships. But however sweet he is, it doesn’t alter the fact that it is likely to be all on his terms if things progressed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Howoftenisnormal · 30/04/2018 16:31

He has been generous on dates, paying for meals and a day out, doing the driving etc. He’s financially secure . On paper great. But if we were exclusive, what would I be doing for company with two weeks between dates?

OP posts:

Dozer · 30/04/2018 16:38

Perhaps he just wants a low key, slooooow, relationship, someone to do things with every few weeks and occasional sex! But that’s not what you’re looking for.

Original poster

Howoftenisnormal · 30/04/2018 17:27

No, I've done the low key casual relationship and it wrecked my confidence. I don't want that again. I don't know if he'd step up in time but I think if he isn't at the stage where he's trying to impress me, then it's unlikely to happen in a month or so.

OP posts:

Sometimeitrains · 30/04/2018 17:52

Have you spoken to him about any of this. Made it xlear what exactly you are looking for?

bionicnemonic · 30/04/2018 18:04

Speaking as the mum of a teenager I feel it’s really important to still spend as much time as possible with him. Relationships can happen later

Original poster

Howoftenisnormal · 30/04/2018 18:26

I appreciate him wanting to spend time with his kids, however i don't want to be a permanent second, making my kids fit on with his availability.

OP posts:

meowimacat · 30/04/2018 18:52

Sadly I think you have to let him go.

The biggest red flag for me is the lack of calling. I made this mistake thinking this was just something people don't do now - I mean, I hate speaking on the phone to someone. But if I'm dating them - especially if we don't see each other much - I would expect calls. I didn't get that from my ex, and turns out he led me on for months...didn't have much time for me blah blah blah.

Sounds like you are a convenience for him, but he will never change. Also do you know for sure he is only seeing you? Are you sure he's not playing the field and keeping his options open? I find it hard to think he's committing to just you, if he's not slept with you yet. He could be feeding you that just to keep you interested.

Save yourself the hurt and find someone who makes EFFORT.

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 30/04/2018 18:54

I've been in that position OP. I dated a shift worker and was lucky if I saw him once a week. He had older kids that could sit for the younger one but it never happened. He was poor at communicating, never let me know too far in advance when he could see me. Yet he wanted exclusivity! He future faked me - kept talking about what he'd like us to do etc. In the end I started seeing someone else, he cottoned on and that was it. We did get back briefly and discussed it but nothing had changed. Time to move on OP.

perfectlyfine · 30/04/2018 19:38

I am six months down the line OP, in a relationship that started out like that. We still only see each other once a week, he never stays over nor has he asked me to stay at his (he's not ready, it's been so long since he shared a bed with someone etc) and I feel we are no further forward in emotional intimacy than when we started dating.
Just last weekend, we'd been out for dinner then went back to his for "coffee" and as we lay together I yawned a couple of times. His response - better get you up the road. So he dropped me off. I was so hurt and I just felt used. The next day he texted me and I suggested we meet up. No, too busy with laundry and chores. He also future faked with weekends away, meeting the kids and all sots of normal things.

I don't know how it took me six months to see him for what he was but don't let the "nice guy" routine when you're together persuade you to accept scraps and don't, like me, waste six months of your time on someone who is not prepared to invest in your relationship.

There's a saying: Never chase love, affection or attention; if it isn't given freely, it's not worth having. Good luck OP

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