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Original poster

My Boyfriend says he has no emotions and no feelings for me as he is scared of getting hurt

51 replies

MatronicO6 · 30/04/2018 11:07

I am going to try keep this as straightforward as possible, I was friends with a man who I cared very much about for a year, we had kissed a couple of times but he told me he just saw me as a friend. I took it at face value and started dating someone else during this time he asked why I would go out with this man but not him I reminded he said he wanted to be friends. We ended up kissing but nothing came of it, we were friends, I stopped seeing the other man and we carried on getting close.

In January after a few drinks I brought up the subject oh him getting out and meeting a woman and he told me he had no time and didn't want to get hurt. At the end of January he confessed that he did have feelings for me and was very attracted to me but he had been hurt in the past and never wanted to go through that again. I told him I felt the same and we decided to give things a go but take it very slowly. A week later he came round to mine and declared he liked me very much and didn't just want to be friends with benefits and asked me to be his girlfriend, I agreed.

We have had a great relationship since then, he is very affectionate and in the last few weeks I have tried to encourage him to be more open with his feelings, he always responded with 'I have no emotions, if you can't feel anything you can't get hurt and I always laughed it off as he was so affectionate and considerate. Then last night after we had been out all day for a friends birthday, and many drinks I asked him 'do you have feelings for me' he repeated his usual answer and I said 'well I have feelings for you.'

At this point he got angry, told me he had said all along he has no feelings for me as he has no emotions because he doesn't want to be hurt again (his only previous partner cheated on him). I was hurt and asked how he could say he feels nothing for me when he is so affectionate and caring he couldn't really answer just repeated his policy of no emotions = no hurt. Except it obviously hurt me and I asked why he had made plans with, let me introduce him to my family when he never cared, he told me he would have met them all as my friend anyway so it's all fine.

He basically said he can't go on pretending anymore and wants us to go back to being friends, and I told him that was impossible which annoyed him. He ended up leaving with the implication being it was over and I am devastated and confused as he was the first person I had a real connection with for years and despite everything he said the way he acted was so tender and affectionate I thought he was slowly building trust and opening up with me.

I know it's very long winded, but I just want thoughts, was I stupid? Should I let him go? Do I try fight for the relationship? Is it lack of emotions or fear of getting hurt?

OP posts:
supersop60 · 30/04/2018 16:38

He is a rubbish boyfriend and a rubbish friend for all the reasons that pp have given. Please move on with your life - you do not need this, and HE WON'T CHANGE.

Dozer · 30/04/2018 16:42

God, value yourself more and get out, ending all contact.

It was a mistake to get into this relationship in the first place - why did you pin hopes on someone like this and settle for so little?

ovenchips · 30/04/2018 17:09

Agree with PP. You sleepwalked into this, ignored the warning signs and now you need to wake up.

I get that you don't want the 'relationship' to end as you thought you'd found someone decent. But unfortunately you hadn't tbh. He was someone you knew and with whom you were friends, but not someone decent.

The faster you detach and move forward, the faster you will find someone worth it.

This is just throwing good money after bad.

Bosabosa · 30/04/2018 17:18

I have two friends who went out with men who ‘had no emotions’.
One is single and so much happier, the other found another man soon after , married him and had a baby and is 100 times happier than she was with ‘no emotion ‘ guy.
Run and run fast. This is not someone to build a life with

PookieDo · 30/04/2018 17:26

This is fitting a square peg in a round hole. I don’t think he can ever offer you what you need or would like, and he’s being open about that at least. But it’s ok that this isn’t going to work for you. Walk away

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/04/2018 17:29

You're right, he did mislead you. And your instincts were spot on when you said it's impossible to go back to being friends. That leaves only one option: move on and get as far away from him as possible.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/04/2018 17:30

By the way, if you've been seeing each other for 3 months and he's met your family already, I wouldn't call that taking things slowly.

Original poster
MatronicO6 · 30/04/2018 17:46

35 going on 21 evidently

OP posts:
Adora10 · 30/04/2018 17:52

Move on OP, he was never going to be the one you thought he was; right from the start he's mucked you about and I am sorry but not wanting to get involved due to previous hurts is code for:
I'm just not that into you.

He's yelling that from the roof tops, bin him off, you can do so much better.

OutofSyncGirl · 30/04/2018 17:56

35?? That's pathetic. You need to kick him to the curb.

Some people will never be capable of fully being 'into' anyone because they are disordered.

OutofSyncGirl · 30/04/2018 17:58

Yes why is it that people who've treated you badly think they deserve to stay in your life and 'be friends'? This happened to me with a recent ex. They know they treated you badly so want to be friends because they think this makes it all ok. No....

Original poster
MatronicO6 · 30/04/2018 18:16

At risk of making myself sound more pathetic, but hopefully less misguided and stupid for pursuing it, he originally told me had no emotions and no feelings as he was scared of getting hurt in early January. Later that month he said he did have feelings but was scared to act on them in case he lost me, I did encourage him to acknowledge his attraction and we slept together and I told him we could take things slow. But 2 weeks later he told me he does really like me and wanted more, so I thought that negated the previous comment. He asked me to be his girlfriend that night the next day I cautiously asked him if he was freaking out and he said no, then made along the line of 'why freak out about being friends with benefits?' then immediately added, 'you know I'm only joking.'

The relationship itself was not bad, he was caring and kind and we laughed together all the time, he was incredibly tender and affectionate and did go out of his way to show me that physically in completely non sexual contexts. But the last couple have weeks have been more strained as he has been finishing a project at work and is up every day at 6 doesn't get home till 8, and it has literally been every day for the last 25 days. He hasn't been sleeping, or eating properly and has no time for anything else not even the gym or football, when he was free and awake he made a point of spending that time with me.

I am not making excuses but during that time when he made a comment about no emotions it always came across in a jokey tongue in cheek way. He has not been mean to me at any point and went out of his way to comfort me when I was struggling with work and apologised for being so wrapped up in work and not being there for me, that he was going to buck up and sort himself out. Which he did try but I feel he has been pushed to his absolute limit in work and is taking it out on me.

I can't believe he has no feelings, being affectionate the way he was does not come naturally to him, and he certainly wouldn't do it if he had no feelings. Literally what he said last night came completely out of the blue. I am not excusing him, but I just feel I need to add more context, that I haven't been getting emotionally torn down the last three months, quite the opposite I never felt so loved. So that is why it has been so hurtful and hard to walk away.

OP posts:
OutofSyncGirl · 30/04/2018 18:32

Whatever the context was before, his most recent behaviour is indicative of this man being a total non starter. He got angry with you for questioning why he's messing you about. He stormed off. These aren't reasonable behaviours from a man who is supposed to care about you.

Lostforagoodname · 30/04/2018 18:43

NARCISSISTIC
This man will destroy every fibre of your being if you let him. He’s already got his hooks in deep. And I fear it will go further, because he’s already in.
You don’t want to hear bad things about him, I know how you feel. I can see you agree on the surface, or consciously, but he’s got to you deeper than that.

This is where you need to find some inner strength and go against every fibre of your body.

DalmatianDots · 30/04/2018 18:52

Of course he has feelings for you, but he is acting like a teenager with all this drama. What a twat.

OutofSyncGirl · 30/04/2018 18:54

I know it’s wrong to diagnose personality disorders but having been involved with a few narcs myself I would definitely say he has many red flags.

Is the sex amazing? Often it is. Not always but it’s one of the ways they hook you.

TheClitterati · 30/04/2018 18:56

He's not who you think he is or who you want him to be.

You need to move on for your own sanity. Don't waste your life thinking you're the cure or you can fix him.

snowsun · 30/04/2018 18:56

Is it articulating his feelings he has difficulty with. He appears to act affectionately but from what you've said finds it hard to talk about them. Does he feel if he says how he feels it will make him vulnerable.
You need to work out if he truly doesn't possess feelings or it's the verbally expressing them that is the issue.
He obviously is able to feel because he's been hurt.
The question is can you continue with someone who isn't going to show you affection verbally.
He may over time start too but this is a gamble and he is going to need to mend his anxiety.
There's a hard decision to make.
He needs to know that being cool verbally hurts you and this is unacceptable. It could become psychologically abusive and that's a road to avoid at all costs. You in a cycle of being hurt and downed waiting for a show of affection being told he cares.

OutofSyncGirl · 30/04/2018 19:06

Snowsun I’m sorry to say I don’t agree with where you say ‘he’s obviously able to feel because he’s been hurt’ this is what he wants the OP to think and is an excuse for treating her badly.

NotTheFordType · 30/04/2018 19:23

Hmm. I'm going to go against the grain here and say it's perfectly possible for people to experience and express fondness, affection, sexual attraction but also to have the ability to stop short of "falling in love" in order to guard themselves from hurt.

I started seeing a man about 18 months ago and it was clear from the start that it was going to be FWB only for various reasons, one being that I was planning a move to a different part of the country. There was a point, I think for both of us, where we had to emotionally guard ourselves and say "this isn't going to be anything more than it currently is".

However in your case OP, it sounds like he's been dishonest with you - saying he wanted more than FWB, then suddenly dialling it back when you start to get more invested.

I would call an end to things now and explain that you can't maintain a friendship as it would be too painful right now.

ovenchips · 30/04/2018 19:28

Your most recent post is all about him: his feelings, actions, words, what is going on with him with work etc (which btw you are using as an excuse for his current behaviour).

There is no way on God's green earth he is sitting devoting the same amount of headspace to you. No way. He is thinking about him too. You know he is from what you've written about what he says.

You sound really nice, thoughtful and considerate. As I said in earlier post, the sooner you realise he isn't actually the decent man you wanted him to be, the sooner you can move on and find someone who is.

Olympiathequeen · 30/04/2018 19:31

I think he genuinely has issues with attachment which are unlikely to change with you.

I think he followed a script and tried to be what you wanted and what maybe he wants eventually

He’s tried with you and it just isn’t happening. He is using his ‘no emotions’ speech to justify his lack of commitment. He’s using it as his get out of jail card.

In other words he’s just not into you. Move on.

PsychedelicSheep · 30/04/2018 20:40

He said he has a black heart and doesn’t feel emotion’

If ever there was a case for ‘when someone tells you who they are believe them’ it’s this.

You deserve way better than this twazzock. Bin.

Dozer · 30/04/2018 21:00

Don’t need to read that long post. He told you what he was like clearly at the start: you didn’t listen. Don’t waste any more time on the loser, especially if you are of a similar age and don’t already have but want DC.

AaarmadillosWhy · 30/04/2018 21:44

Despite all these things he has said I should have known all along as he told me he 'had a black heart and felt no emotions ever.'

*You only need to know two things:

  • When a man tells you who they are, believe them.
  • Judge a person by their actions*

How many times have you read on here stories that begin "at the start he told me he wasn't interested in a relationship but"? that end in her being in love and being treated as a FB. Men say these kind of things so they have an out later - I did tell you. This has happened here. He gave you a full warning and you ignored it - thinking you could win him round.

His actions are poor here for all kinds of reasons - only showing interest when you were dating someone else, not offering you a relationship or emotional support but stringing you along. It's cruel and nasty.

As someone up stream here said either he's a psychopath or he's being manipulative. Neither of these things you want in your life.

You are trapped by your fear of being alone and its making it worse. You should just move on. Imagine if you knew for sure that over the next 12 months you would meet one man a month who was perfect for you and in a year you'd have 12 men fighting over you and you had to choose which one you wanted. You'd feel differently about this.