Supporting Poorly Relative in EA Relationship

[Lastdanceagain]

NC'd for this.

My mum has been in a EA relationship for decades. I lived it myself when I was a child. Mum has always suffered from anxiety now she is old and ill and dependent on my dad.

6 months ago my very old granddad became ill himself and mum began to not sleep as he began ringing her at all hours. 4 months later he was admitted to hospital and mum battled with the hospital over his care, stopped eating and began having panic attacks with the stress. Sadly he passed away. Mum has been unable to cope and has gone rapidly downhill, not eating, going out, lost too much weight. The doctor has prescribed anxiety tablets which have not made much difference.

On the other side, my dad has not supported my mum, refusing to take her to the hospital (she doesn't drive). On one occasion mum went to visit her dad when my dad did not want her to. He called her to stay he was killing himself. My mum was hysterical and after desperately trying to call him back for ages had to ask another relative to drive to the house to check on my dad. When the other relative got there my dad was fine and accused my mum of over reacting.

My dad is not coping well with my mum being ill and is having to do everything for her - he gets stressed (which is understandable) but takes it out on my mum.

The doctor is unaware of the EA and is dealing with my mum only regarding the loss of her dad. My dad goes in the doctors with my mum and of course comes across as the devoted husband. My mum has been unable to tell the doctor what is going on.

I am at a loss as to how I can help my mum. She is totally broken. So much so she is now being tested for all sorts of cancer as she is so ill. So far the results are clear but she is having further tests. She is so broken and looks like she has little time left.

My own husband thinks I should just talk to my dad, but of course he says all the right things and then takes it out on my mum. Even on the way to her recent appointment he was screaming at her in the car.

What can I do to help my mum, I feel so helpless and on the side lines, she is just fading away. Her mental health is shot to pieces.

So to update. Mum has cancer which is inoperable but is waiting for a chemo appointment, which we hope will shrink and control the cancer for as long as possible.

My dad is not coping at all but he is caring for my mum. He is having meltdowns every day where is shouts and screams at my mum, shouting in her face and raising fists to her face although he hasn't hit her. Mum has started having panic attacks again over this. I have been sworn to secrecy about it.

I have offered to come round at any time, stay with her to allow my dad some space, or that she can come and stay with me but everything is refused. When go round here everything is all smiles and covered up.

I feel at a loss to how I can my mum and my dad even through this. My husband says I should speak to my dad but in the past he has minimised everything, said mum is exaggerating and mum is not prepared to leave anyway.

Any advice is appreciated as I can't see the wood for the trees.

:( not sure what to suggest. Concentrate on building your mum up and her confidence. Ignore your dad if he's going to be unhelpful. I can't imagine what it must be like to see your mum poorly and your dad refusing to help

I am so sorry OP, unfortunately, I have a similar situation with my own parents (without the awful Cancer diagnosis) and I know how awful it is. I have gone above my Df's head and involved social services, in the guise of my Mum needing personal care. That has brought several different professionals into my Mums life and although my DF has talked my DM into refusing much-needed personal care, there are now so many professionals coming in and out day to day, that he has been forced to be on his best behaviour. That hasn't stopped the professionals from noticing the abusive dynamic, her physio has asked her if she wants out.

I have pleaded with my Mum to come to live with us many times, I have offered to come and get her at any time of the day or night but she isn't interested. I have come to the conclusion that they are in a co-dependent relationship. It is incredibly frustrating but unfortunately very common for disabled women to end up in a domestic abuse situation. My Mum recently ended up with pneumonia because despite having a chest infection, my DF refused to take her to the g.p. She is housebound as she needs a wheelchair to get out and someone to push her. She can't take care of her personal care and he won't do it for her. It is an awful and incredibly upsetting situation!

In your situation, I would call women's aid for advice and find out who your Mothers Macmillan nurse is. I think it is important that they know that your Mum is in an abusive situation, they could take her into a hospice, this will be especially important if your Dad is likely to deny your Mum medical care/ pain relief! Do you have any siblings who could help you get support for your DM? Does your DM have any relatives/ friends who might be able to convince your DM to move in with you?

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum's Cancer diagnosis. I hope that the chemotherapy that she is waiting for will help her have more time with you.

I am so sorry, OP.

The only thing I would add, is that is there anything in place for what will happen to your DF if anything should happen to your DM? He won't expect to come and live with you, will he? It sounds as though your DM has been his emotional punchbag for years, and he won't react very well to losing that.

I have offered to come round at any time, stay with her to allow my dad some space, or that she can come and stay with me but everything is refused.

If your mum is refusing your support then there is literally nothing legal you can do. She is an adult and entitled to decide to stay with your abusive cunt of a dad.

Thanks for all of your replies.

@Caledonian Queen, no siblings, but I am able to contact mum's cancer nurse. I like the idea of having more people popping in an out though, as dad would be on best behaviour then.

I think I will speak to the cancer nurse as dad has admitted he can't cope emotionally with this so there might be some support available for both of them. They are very emotional at the moment.

Mum can still feed and wash herself, and take care of most aspects of her personal care, she is just extremely fatigued and mostly housebound. Dad is able to take care of her other needs for now. I agree they are probably in a co-dependent relationship.

@Zapho, this is a recent diagnosis so nothing has been discussed, my mum has said many times though that if anything happens to her I should not let him live with me (my husband would not accept EA here in our home, having not been brought up with it he does not understand why anyone would put up with it).

Things seem to have settled down for now (until the next time) and everything seems peaceful. It appears dad did overstep the mark this time so is on best behaviour for now.

@Nottheford, my mum is an adult, but it's hard to hear what's happening. For years my mum stopped telling me about stuff as really it was just the same stuff all the time and the next time I saw her it was all happy families. So I guess more of the same now. Just hard for me when she is so vulnerable now.