Do I kick him out?

[Sadandunsure]

Regular poster, but I've name changed as this with my previous posts could be very outing.

On Friday I found out that DH has sent a sexual text to a mutual friend. More his friend who I have grown very close to over the last 7/8 years.
She showed me the text, dropped the bombshell that he had a cycle of doing this once every 6 months or so and then left.

I confronted him and he has admitted it, is remorseful and been apologetic. But he can't explain why. He is happy, we have a good marriage and 2 DC (6 and 9) life may not be perfect, but our issues have never been about each other. More narc mil and routine of housework no childcare etc. His shift work means that he very often does more than 50% of house / DC stuff. He doesn't want to go and loves me. Says he had no intention of going through with it. The weird thing here is that I do believe him. Maybe that makes me a mug.

I've insisted that he find us a therapist as I can't get my head around it. And he clearly can't give me the answers I need.
I think that he's probably got a thing about 'risky behaviour' and thought he had a safe space to do it. But that's a guess as he doesn't know. He's never been self aware in that respect so I'm not surprised he can't explain it / vocalise what's going on.

She's not answering the phone, or responding to my messages so I will get no further info from her.

He's going to book relate this afternoon, but what do I do in the meantime? Im swinging between letting him stay and working through it together, or telling him he has to go until we've seen them.

This is so hard and hurts so much.

He had no choice but to admit his guilt here; this so called friend of yours also dropped him right in it.

I would be asking him to leave in such circumstances also because this is repeated behaviour on his part. He is really paying lip service to your relationship and the nice life you seemingly share is not enough for him. That says far more about him as a person than it ever would about you, it is not your fault that he is the ways he is.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships. What you describe is really a crap example of a relationship to be showing your children.

In the meantime seek counselling for yourself and make your own plans to leave him.

I suspect finding a therapist means finding someone else to help persuade you to not kick him out, and why he couldnt help it.
If he seeks risky behaviour perhaps its time for him to realise that the consequence of risk is that sometimes you dont win. Otherwise you wont know what his next risk will be.
Also it will be good to draw a boundary

Good on your friend for telling you!

I know that you are right, but I just can't seem to find the strength to say it to his face. God I am pathetic

little I know it seems good on her, but honestly she wasn't going to say anything until I mentioned something in passing that flashed something like jealousy in her eyes then she blurted it out. She eluded it's been a cycle going on a while but not for how long. Very much made out she's an innocent victim.
They've been friends 20+ years and I think she's encouraged it. The whole message stream seemed 'off' somehow. It's hard to explain. But she is very insecure and I can see how these types of messages would feed her ego.
She hasn't checked in how I am or even text him to give him a heads up of what she's said.
Whatever her motives are, they are not of being a good friend, that much I know.
But she's not my problem. I didn't exchange marriage vows and have DC with her.

You risk losing an awful lot if you kick him out. Good men are in short supply and you've got one who ticks most of the boxes. Good father, does housework, works hard and takes care of you all. I suspect he just missed the element of risk and excitement, and never thought he'd get caught. But when all's said and done, it's only a text, and now that the friend has done the right thing, he's been found with egg on his face. Unlikely to do it again but you need to do some straight talking - one more strike and he's out

A good man doesn't send sexual texts to friends. Fucking hell! Is your bar set so low?

Yes I would get rid of him op. And the 'friend'.

I disagree with everything chinesecrested said! Honestly what the fuck? He's having an emotional affair and trying to get a shag out of it over a long period of time. That's a complete lack of respect and a total betrayal of trust. Bollocks would he not have gone through with it. If she'd given him the nod he'd have been in there like a rat up a drainpipe. She's probably not the only one he's tried it on with either. Kick him out and get some self esteem. Counselling won't change being a selfish bastard who does whatever they can get away with and has enough contempt for you to even try it with your friend!

Me personally I wouldn't get rid of both. A good man doesn't do this and neither does a friend.

Sorry would!!! Most definitely would

I agree with Knobend. This is the one that came to light - how many others out there might there be? He's never (however honest you think he is) going to admit to anything you don't have certain knowledge of. He might 'only' have sent her one every six months, but have been sending these seedy messages to other friends you don't even know of in the meantime.

He needs to feel the consequence of liking 'risky'. Sometimes risk comes back to bite you on the arse. He can get counselling on his own if he really thinks he should.

I wouldn't stay with him because good men are hard to find. It's 2018 I can manage by myself if needed. We've always been a team. That text has broken my trust.
She's long gone. If there was a point to have told me because she is my friend it was years ago when we got close. I suspect that until recently when she got engaged she's always responded. That's probably why she's never said anything before. This is probably the way their friendship has always worked.
The problem is, how do I know that he won't strike up a friendship similar with someone else in the future? Really does anyone really ever know? There are enough threads here on this board by women like me who would have sworn something like this would never happen to them.
What I do know is that he's done it once...

I'm hoping therapy will get to the bottom of it. If we can work it out then I will. If we can't work it out through therapy then I will walk.
If I can't understand why he's done this and he can't either then I won't be able to trust he won't do it again. None of it makes any sense. I've been given half the story by her and no explanation from him.

My question is do I kick him out whilst we are going to therapy or let him stay whilst I process.

You sound completely aware not to trust your 'friend' but less aware with him. I think the fact she isn't picking up suggests guilt. There is more to this. How do you know it wasn't just texts? I think you should kick him out for now. Maybe once you get to the bottom of it through therapy you can consider giving it another go, but don't me a mug. For now, he needs to know you won't stand for this.

I think if it was me I'd make him leave while having therapy. It will give you the space you need to get your head round it and also it's an immediate consequence for him!

I would suspect something more has gone on with these 2. Why is she only telling you now? I would have a lot of questions.

And don't tell him it's temporary. Kick him out and see how keen he still is to go to therapy.

pressure it's not that I'm not aware I can't trust him. I'm fully aware he has been a shit (understatement) and I don't understand why.
Her silence I suspect is more fear what I will tell her fiancé rather than guilt. She will be feeling sick that she has blurted out about the text because if I wanted to screw her over I could. (Stuff unrelated to DH)

I suppose it's easier to feel rational and cold where she's concerned because although she has betrayed me I don't have a DC / Home / Plans to grow old with her.

Also she didn't promise to love me forever forsaking all others. He did.

God, the more I type the clearer it's becoming. I don't know if I am brave enough to tell him to go. I am pathetic

mzcracker I have hundreds of questions. DH saying he can't answer them as he doesn't know, and she's avoiding me.

I think if I had some answers I would know what I am facing and a decision would be clearer.

Yes you kick him out and for as long as YOU see fit; what he has done is really horrible and sleazy as; why make it even easier by letting him carry on with a slap on the wrist; that's half the problem with the women on here telling tales of infidelity, they do nothing and sweep it under the carpet then are back here again when he gets caught again!

Honestly, I would spend the time apart working out whether you want to carry on with someone you cannot trust.

And stop blaming your friend, this all came from your DH.

adora maybe I'm not coming across well here, and I'm not surprised as I am all over the place. PP said good on her for telling me, and that put my back up a bit as her intentions when telling me were purely selfish.
But I'm not blaming her, I've said that she is not my problem DH is.
I don't know if she is an innocent party receiving unwanted texts or actively encouraging / participating. As a friend that I've been close to, and spoken to everyday for the past 7 years she should have told me sooner. Or at least told me everything this time. Not the vague bare facts she presented me with.
So yes, i am upset because she has betrayed me too.

I do sound like I am blaming her more don't I? I'm really not. I guess it's easier to be angry with her as there's not the same emotional connection there.

Ultimately I am blaming DH, and I need to do what's best for me and the DC right now.
What I'm realising whilst typing is that be needs to go. For now at least.

I don't you sound pathetic at all and it's perfectly normal to feel angry and betrayed by the two people in your life you thought you could trust.
You're allowed to be angry at them both.

But have you considered that there might be others, OP? That she, whatever her reasons for showing the messages to you, might be the tip of the iceburg?

Getting him out, even if not permanently, would be a way to show him that you won't put up with this behaviour. They are all sorry, they all say they 'don't know why they did it', and this can be from very mild flirting to outright affairs. So basically his excuses are bullshit.

I was in a similar situation and I agree with the poster who said there's more to this - MUCH more.

In my case, it was an emotional affair my best friend's DH was having with me that had went on for nearly a year. (we all had been close friends for years.) Sexting, empty promises, future faking...and the few times that we were alone together, passionate kisses. Sex never happened - thank GOD - however, it surely would have at some point had I not gotten myself into therapy and ended things.

The problem was the best friend's DH wasn't ready to let go of his ego boost and continued to contact me once every few weeks, just to see if the door was still open. I never responded, other than telling him to never contact me again. I blocked him everywhere, but he was able to still send me emails from fake accounts.

My therapist told me that perhaps the only way to get him to stop was to tell him I would forward his next email to his wife, and follow through with the threat! I resisted for several months, hoping that he would stop, but that didn't happen. Every time he sent an email, it would set me back and I would be an emotional mess. I finally told him that I'd tell his wife, and he mocked me and called me a loser. I followed through and sent her the last message, and all hell broke loose.

He behaved towards her the exact way your DH is behaving - full of remorse and guilt and declarations of love and commitment. But he only trickle truthed and "confessed" to only what she already knew.

Whoever said that an EA is a sign of low esteem is spot on. I've spent the last few years working on myself and my self esteem, and looking back I cannot believe I let myself have an EA.

My guess is that your friend was in the same situation - either wanting the EA to end and forwarding the texts to you to get him to stop, OR she wanted more than an EA but your DH refused to leave you to be with her, despite all the future faking, so this is her way of getting back at him.

I am sorry you're in this awful situation, but there is more beneath the surface.

I don’t think you ever get to the bottom of the ‘why’ OP being honest. My DH and I had a perfectly ok marriage, stresses yes but we liked each other and by all accounts although he was stressed he didn’t seem unhappy with me, but he too did some stupid stuff and can’t understand or explain the ‘why’ even after some therapy. Like you I think he liked the’buzz’ at the time and it put ‘a bit of a zing on the day’