DP and low level anger. I'm so unhappy, how do I cope?

[d73H]

First off I have PND so reality is a bit skewed for me. I'm on Anti-Ds, which help, but I'm feeling increasingly like I can't get any better while he's carrying on like this.

DP is always so angry. It's not always overt, but it's as though it's his default emotion, I don't know how else to describe it. It's destroying me to be honest, I just don't know how to either ignore it, not care, or fix it (by making him see it's not OK and he needs to change, not by humouring him)

Now obviously I'm not perfect, and I'll readily admit that I bite back far too often and make it worse, but I've now got to the stage where I'm so frustrated my immediate reaction is along the lines of 'for fucks sake here we go again'

We have DD, 16months, and when he gets shouty and loud I hate that she's experiencing that environment. It's not always AT me, it could be him banging about in the kitchen and swearing because he can't find something, or if he's on the computer and it's not co-operating. Or ranting about other drivers / traffic. You get the idea, I hope. (again, I'm not perfect, we both swear too much casually, which I'm trying to stop in front of DD at the very least, but he does it with such venom. Often about some irrelevant nonsense. And then I'll be pissed off and I'll shout back. Especially when it's either AT me or loud PA bullshit about how theres 'never' x or 'always' y. IYSWIM.

It makes me so sad. That's the base line, he's making me sad. And we don't have sex, because I'm sad, and don't feel cared about. Which makes him sad, and feel unloved, so he gets teasy and touchy then it goes round in this horrific whirlpool of deepening sad/anger/alienation. I also have a birth injury that's still painful. So as my GP said, 'aversion therapy works', and sex isn't really on my 'to do list' any more. Sigh.

Where do I start with fixing this? One of us has to do SOMETHING or our family is going to rip apart at the seams and I desperately don't want that. He's not capable of making the first move I don't think, so it's down to me to start this off.

There's a lot more I could say, but this is already long enough. Don't want to drop feed but will elaborate if any one replies and more info becomes relevant.

Also, name changed. Regular poster, etc etc...

"He has suggested some kind of way of me telling him when he's starting to be unpleasant, maybe yellow/red cards or something, but I'm not sure how that would work".

I am certain he knows when he is starting to be unpleasant

You are not responsible for his actions here; he is. You are also not a football ref either; this from him about yellow and red cards is frankly ridiculous and could also simply subject you to yet more abuse from him.

I think you're doing the best you can. I think if he is generally a decent guy and you want to work at it you should give him a chance to change.

But set a deadline and keep yourself accountable somehow. Diary, online forum, friend....

Relationship counselling would be another support potentially as a good counsellor would work on his issues while also helping you deal with him more effectively and seeing someone together does give a certain amount of accountability.

It was done by text because he works early mornings and I woke late nights, we overlap. So don't see much of each other on a week night. When I text to say we needed to talk, he immediately asked if I was leaving him. I'm not. Certainly not yet. He was then clearly distressed, and I love him, I'm not going to just ignore him when I could continue to talk to him.

As for it being progress, he's admitted he has problems and has agreed to get help. I think that can be called progress, can't it?

And him leaving wouldn't improve the situation. I'd still be miserable. He wouldn't get help. When he had DD at his he would still be the same angry man.

Whereas if he gets help DD will still have both parents at home and won't have an angry shouty man in her life, surely that's better?!

There's no joint account (actually there is but we have never used it) because it doesn't suit us financially to have one. We both have our own accounts and pay for things as and when we need to, there's no issue there, it works for us.

He is likely well aware of when he is being unpleasant. It is not your responsibility to police his behaviour. It is HIS job to monitor and regulate his behaviour. If he dumps that responsibility on you, he will resent you and snipe at you every time you remind him. I've been there, it's not a good solution at all.

You are NOT HIS MUMMY!!! It's not your job to make his appointments or remind him to be kind. He's an adult. He needs to act like one and take responsibility for his own actions.

Frankly, I think you should have allowed him to leave.

Thanks mrsplum a deadline is a very good idea. I'm going to gave to take time with no distractions to work out what is realistic and workable, and then work out the accountability, you're right, that's important too.

And yes, he's generally a decent guy.

I have a lot of sympathy with him telling me he feels outside of himself when he's being shouty, like he's watching himself be so awful but can't stop. I was exactly like this as a teen when I first was on the pill, I could hear these awful things coming out of my mouth, but couldn't stop them, I can't use hormonal contraception at all. So I'm familiar with the sensation, and it being a real thing.

However I took steps to fix it, which he now needs to do too.

X post Ginger I agree I'm not policing him, and that would be ridiculous. I've said as much when he suggested the cards - tbh I think it would just antagonise him anyway

He's making his own appointment, really the suggestion that I do it was more a practical one as I have mornings off and our surgery is a nightmare to get through to. Not that I think it's my 'job' or anything.

He's just text me that he's got details of a helpline he's going to phone after work.

I think that this response from him was the best you could hope for.

The guy is angry and he has promised to try and address it so he really does deserve credit for that. Now he just needs to build the courage in his head to see someone.

For a start you should both agree not to swear in front of your child. I have this rule and stick to it 98% of the time.

It’s usually breached by other drivers tbh!

And op do look at your own role within the dynamic.

I think we are married to the same guy!! Except in my case add in a load of stuff about current government, business stuff and Brexit. You have my total sympathy OP, it’s very very wearing.

I too think it’s positive.

Rather than you policing him which will just antagonise him ask him to try and think whether he would speak to anyone else like that. His boss etc.

And a deadline would be good or this could just drag on.

Him saying he feels outside of himself is interesting, I used to get like that with bad PMT. I had acupuncture which helped. If his anger is stress related as well as learning to deal with the anger he needs to deal with the stress and acupuncture might help. My son has had had it for stress related migraines and it semes to help.

I think it's positive too, I don't understand many of the posters here who think it's acceptable to shout LEAVE HIM , THAT'S NOT ENOUGH in response to the OP.

He is realising he may have a MH issue, which he is going to seek help for. This is very positive, he isn't denying anything and he wants to change. I would assume the OP's husband hasn't always been this way... depression can be a bitch.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. It struck a chord with how things were for me up until recently. DP and I have a just turned two year old and for the first 18 months things were so difficult- I had undiagnosed PND, DP was depressed and we both had chronic sleep deprivation which made everything seem 100 times worse. We would argue quite a bit, then that got better but we still just weren't very nice to each other. I think we were both angry and resentful towards each other, without really knowing why. The main thing that saved us was that we both knew there was a problem, and we both wanted to work on it to save our relationship. I went to my GP who prescribed anti depressants, and we both did counselling separately. Little by little things got better and we're now in a really good place. I think you can salvage the relationship, but only if you are both prepared to work at it. Good luck!

I think it is positive, accepting he has an issue is the first step.I hope he does fix it

Well we've been to the Dr's today. He's been prescribed Sertraline, and given the self referral for counselling number.

He's been a lot better temper wise since our conversation the other day, although he's been quite weepy / emotional - but tbh that's to be expectedi think, he's beating himself up a lot for making me unhappy.

He says just talking to the Dr has helped, and he feels a bit 'lighter'. So that's good.

He's also recognising situations where he would have lost his temper but now isn't, because he's aware of being unreasonable.

I know it's early days and is going to take him a lot of hard work, but I'm hoping he can do this. He knows that if he can't change then we don't have a future. The thought of that is tearing me up, but it's not just about me any more - I need to consider DD too, and put her first. So does he.

I'm going to see what the wait for counselling is then agree a deadline with him.

Thanks for the advice everyone, its given me the strength to make a stand.

That all sounds good. And well done to him for actually going to the GP and opening up. The weeping and feeling emotional is good I think. Although it might not seem like it. I suspect he has bottled things up for a long time only letting it out in anger which doesn’t address anything.

Keeping communication open between the two of you and lots of talking will help you both.

@d73H just read through the thread. It does sound like he's willing to make an effort- which is great. But please do stop thinking you have to do anything. It's his issue and you can tie yourself in knots trying not to make an angry man angry. It doesn't work (from experience).

Really hope he makes significant changes and things improve for you.