New relationship -childhood traumas resurfacing

[Dontyoutellmewhattodo]

Hello,
Since the break up with my sons dad a few years back I’ve had the fear of moving on with someone new in case they may find children ‘appealing.’

Having been groomed on more than one occasion myself when I was younger, by significant male figures in my life, I can’t get past this sickening notion that I’ll be targeted for being a single parent.
I was targeted between 9-15 years of age and it still haunts me.

I met someone about three months ago, really lovely guy. Treats me right, not phased that I have my son (who’s 5 this year).
When me and him are together I am fine, as soon as I’m alone with my thoughts I self destruct. I see everything as a potential flag. New boyfriend has only had one relationships before me, not much of a social bug and silly things like that make me wonder if it’s because he’s hiding something.
Him and my son have met once, with two of my friends. We went out to a day time event and they got on really well, my son was introduced to him as my friend but I was looking for any flags the whole time.

Surely I can’t be the only single parent who has fears like this? Please be gentle, any advice would be much appreciated.

I felt the same as a single parent. Many years ago though as my 'kids' are all in their 30's/40's now. I made a conscious decision not to enter a living together relationship until my children were adults and had left home. It helped enormously to make that decision and to stick to it.

My mother made the same decision as palla - she had her problems, but im profoundly grateful to her that she kept her boundaries up (i remember one creep in particular ).

But i do know that once we left home she was lonely, i wished for companionship more than anything for her. Maybe invest time more in friendships and communities rather than relationships?

Reading this back it reads so cynically, im sure there are plenty of fantastic partners out there - but there is a special kind of bastard who targets people where they perceive a weakness.

OP I am still with my DP but this thought has crossed my mind too. I wondered if I was being silly. If it was me I would probably do the same as palla. I know that if I did live with someone I would sabotage the relationship because even little things like him getting up in the night to use the loo would have me suspicious which wouldn't be healthy for me or the relationship

How old is your son? Perhaps don't consider a living together relationship for a while and if things do progress in the relationship then you'll feel a bit more relaxed about the idea of living together?

I know this is a tricky one and I completely understand how you feel.

My son is five this year.
Things that are probably rational I see as warning signs. Like the new bf has never instigated sex with me. He waits for me too, and I convinced myself that it was because adult women didn’t do it for him.
He’s very open with his phone. No shady hiding stuff. Been to his numerous times, no suspicions with privacy ect.
He mentioned when he was younger he used to look after his friends neighbours three kids most weekends. He didn’t mind, they liked to go out together and would leave him to it with the games console whilst the kids were in bed. My head went into overdrive on that one thinking why would a 16 year old boy want to babysit three kids ect.

These thought processes are ruining me.

Could you try ACT therapy?

I think what you feel and think is understandable given what you went through. Do you feel your parents failed you?

I'm like pallas and haven't had a full on relationship while bringing up dcs. Why not just keep him and ds separate? You will probably feel different later when ds is older, why not just have a relationship then? One thing you could do is think about how to start making ds aware about boundaries and how his body is his own etc. And talk all this over with a therapist perhaps, if you need to?

Sometimes you feel how you are feeling because you have an instinct. 16 yo teens don't want to baby sit 3 kids normally. I would feel exactly the same. The man would have to be a fuckingmarvel for me to even consider bringing him anywhere near my child.
Perhaps you should listen to your instincts on this one?.