My mother disowned me and I wish my MIL would take her place

[Pretendbookworm]

When my son was born my mother cut off all ties with me. She has mental health problems which she won’t get help with. I have no family within a 2 hour drive. My dad and sister visit twice a year.
I live across the road from my sister in law and almost every day I see my mother in law go to visit her and spend all day with her and kids, but then come and spend only 15 mins with my son (her other grandchild). I am jealous I know that but I’m so lonely I’ve given up on trying to build a relationship with my in laws now. When my mother cut me off my mother in law promised she would try to be there for me instead but that hasn’t happened and I’m heartbroken.

Day to day the only adult who speaks to me is my partner and he’s often away working for 4-5 days in a row, leaving me without a car and stuck in the house with my son. And then I work 2 days a week so we hardly ever see each other. My MIL is awesome in some ways - always willing to help with childcare and other practical things. But it can quite easily be a few weeks inbetween me seeing her outside of childcare and lately seems to only visit while I’m at work.

Last year I had an argument with my sister in law (which she later apologised for). My MIL responded by calling my OH to complain about how I spoke to SIL and then when OH refused to listen and told her to speak to me MIL said she did not want to speak to me ‘for the time being’. Mentally I had a breakdown. Both my mother figures rejected me in less than a year. A week later she was speaking to me again but as if it never happened. And so since then things have dwindled down. After DS was born she was round 3-4 times a week, now it can be weeks between me seeing her outside of picking up/dropping off which is only a few times a month. I also used to be invited round SILs every week but no longer go round there either. I have tried a few times to reach out but I’m so guarded now against further hurt that I have no confidence.

I just don’t know what to do. I know that I’m being unreasonable to expect her to take my mums place like that. I have a good relationship with my partner and my son. I just don’t have anyone else to talk to and feel close to and feel like realistically I’ll never be able to come off my antidepressants.

She’s not your mum, you know she can’t be expected to feel for you what she feels for her own dd. It also doesn’t help that you don’t seem to be helping yourself. You need to get out and about, meet people, exercise, sleep, take your antidepressants, and if you need it request more help from your partner and / or your dad and sister. Coming out of depression isn’t magic, it’s bloody hard work, only you can help yourself here. I suggest you start with a talking therapy and see how it goes; plenty allow you to bring your dc along.

Can you use public transport or walk to any local play groups where you can meet some other mums so you’re not looking out of the window watching her go to SIL house?

I am a Sil, not a mil. But it made me realise what a difficult position being in laws is. Yes, i may like my sil. But she isnt my sister. She is the mother or my nephews so i will always have a connection to her. But its not the connection i have after spending 30 years knowing my brother, growing up with him and living with him.

I imagine being a mil is similar. You may love your Dil/Sil but they arent your children. Its not the same relationship. Her children will aleays come first. If you and your dh split up, its her son she would support.

I know its very painful for you, but you cant expect someone who isnt your mum to become your mum. It wont ever be the exact same relationship she has witg ger adult children. It sounds like she does quite a bit, maybe she could do more. But if there is a hole in your life you need to work at filling that.

I do get how you feel though. I have depression and my mum is largely absent. When she is about, its not helpful at all. Its more destressing than anything.

Well I find it depends on the family. I know MILs for whom their DIL is practically family. I know one woman who is so close to her MIL that she had her at the birth of her second child (her own DM was ill). So in large part, its about how accepting the family is, and how they perceive family. I like to think if my son had a wife who was depressed I'd be round offering comfort and companionship.

In fact I'd think a DIL who wants to have a close relationship with a MIL is a god send and some MILs would thank their lucky stars she's not one of the territorial precious types you sometimes read about on MN

But you also have to push yourself outside your comfort zone. Relationships take work to build. I know when I'm depressed I do a hell of a lot of projection, assuming things about other peoples attitudes, feelings, and intentions that simply are not truthful, and veering towards the negative.

Have you talked to your husband about this specifically? Could he give you some tips on things you could do to get into your SILs and MILs good books? Could you bake a cake and invite both SIL and MIL over for tea, and a laugh? Or could you invite SIL out for a joint park playdate? Yes you may have argued, but there's no reason bridges can't be healed. You say your SIL apologised to you? Did you apologise back?

Another idea is to ask your MIL for advice about something. Ask her advice about how to cook a dish, or about your child, show her you respect her experience and point of view, most MILs would appreciate this. Also can you give help with anything at all?

FWIW I have a friend who married into a family from a completely different culture, a culture where marriages are often either arranged or facilitated within the same culture. So her husbands family were not 'pleased' with his choice of wife and were initially hostile. MIL refused to speak to her on the phone etc. Well now they adore her. She won them round. The MIL tells her own daughter that she should be more like her. Basically she went on a massive charm offensive, drives MILs elderly mum to hospital appointments, calls to ask if they need anything everytime she steps out to shop, begged MIL to show her how to cook signiture cultural dishes. She babysits for other SILs. The whole family loves her and held a suprise birthday party for her a couple of weeks ago!

Try not to dwell on how you feel and do small things to help facilitate closer ties. Doing will help you more than waiting for it to happen. But its shit having depression, so I know thats very hard

Can you try and get out more and make friends

Your Mil sounds like a fair mil and a good mum, but she is your SiL mum.