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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

advice on whether I am reading too much into this please

24 replies

Jenasaurus · 29/04/2018 21:53

I am in a long distance relationship with a man in a city 3 hours from me. We met when he lived here and have been seeing each other for 5 years.

When he moved away we saw each other every 4 to 6 weeks and on the whole have a good relationship.

This weekend we met up and went to a party together, had a lovely day and evening, then when we went to bed, he asked me to help him search for something on his phone that he was struggling with. He then fell asleep and I don't know what made me do it and I know it was wrong, but saw a text from someone he works with, he talks about her a lot and her name stood out. I looked at the texts and what I saw really upset me and I don't know if I am being unreasonable or not.

The first message from him was in 2016 and said "i wont need to sleep over tonight as I have found them, maybe another night xx", she replied "yes OK, had a lovely night xx" The texts went on, she thanked him for dinner and presents, he sent her hearts and kisses, and on one message she mentioned a bruise and he said "you show me yours, Ill show you mine" another was about watching a DVD together and his response was "sorry you couldn't watch it at mine :( "

I am ashamed to say I flipped. His response was that they had a friendship and nothing more, he teaches her DD the violin and sometimes watched DVDs at his place. I think what hurt is the texts were full of kisses and more affectionate than the ones he sends me.

He said I took them out of context and was overreacting but agreed not to send anymore.

I am so hurt and not sure if I should continue to see him.

He often talks about her as being a socialite and when he was off at Easter with me, she texted him to say she missed him.

Could this really be innocent as I am so confused as when he speaks about it, I feel I am overreacting but I feel hurt and insecure. He told me to talk to her if I was worried.

Advice please. We are both in our fifties, have our own homes and no children together but I cant help feel if it was me sending messages about sleeping over at a male colleagues place he wouldn't like it.

OP posts:

esk1mo · 29/04/2018 22:00

why would he need to stay over, and then say “maybe another night” if it wasnt an emergency?

sounds like they were sleeping together to be honest. in what context did she mention bruises? as in, after sex/physical contact?

thats what id deduce from those texts anyway, if i saw them on my DPs phone

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 29/04/2018 22:08

I don't know, but the bruises comment seemed in relation to his comment, "you show me yours, Ill show you mine" He said its just banter and there is nothing between them and he was happy to let me look through his phone but I found it too painful

OP posts:

user7680 · 29/04/2018 22:35

Mhhh staying over all night watching DVDs together those are date nights. Sounds like....They’ve been shagging

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 29/04/2018 22:38

that's kind of what I think to, hes dropped me off home and gone back to his place now, I think I need to call it a day, its just his reasons when he gave them sounded plausible at the time but then its started eating away at me.

OP posts:

Scrabbler3 · 29/04/2018 23:04

I think it's quite unusual for men to end texts and messages with kisses unless they're interested in the woman. Women are more likely to habitually end with xxx I think.

The staying over and "show me yours" stuff is v suspicious.

esk1mo · 29/04/2018 23:07

can you ask her? maybe make it out like you arent angry, just curious if there was any “crossover”?

obviously its cheating, but no one would want to admit to being the OW. saying it that way might put less pressure on her to tell the truth?

Orlandointhewilderness · 29/04/2018 23:16

He is shagging her. Come on OP - big girl pants.

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 30/04/2018 07:33

well, he has told me now that the bruises comment was to do with a karate class they were sparring partners in and she said |"enjoy beating up women do you" and then mentioned bruises and he said "you show me yours Ill show you mine...but previously he said that related to mothers and has now said there were 2 times the comment "you show me yours I'll show you mine was made. I think to be honest, knowing she has visited his mum, frequents his flat on many occasions, due to her daughters violin lessons, they go on meals together, watch DVDs and even go clubbing together, I was being silly to not realise what was happening here. I know men and women can be friends and was trying hard to see it in that light, but it was the sad face he used when she didn't watch a DVD at his, the kisses on his texts (he puts full stops on my texts) and the blowing hearts emoji...add that with the staying over at hers comment and I think I have my answer

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 30/04/2018 08:42

He said its just banter
Ahhhrrrggghhhh... They all say this.
I friggin' hate that word.
We all know it means.
This is NOT OK.
He's too far away and he's sleeping with another woman.
You know what to do.
Sorry OP.

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 30/04/2018 14:04

Thanks for the honest responses. I have now ended it with him. I cant get over this and its not that he has a relationship with her that really bugs me, I am happy for him to have friends with the opposite sex, its the fact that he is actually more 'affectionate' with her whereas his messages to me are normally blunt and factual, he rarely says he loves me let alone send me a heart emoji and even though he occasionally leaves a kiss on a message, it us usually 15 mins later after the message so he must have forgotten. I think he is emotionally attached to her and I am a booty call and nothing more. I am a ridiculously loyal person and I hate giving up on people (I was with my ex for 28 years when it should have ended after 2 years) I have accepted this isn't a good relationship, just wish he had been honest and ended it when he developed feelings for someone else. I even felt guilty and mean ending it.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 30/04/2018 14:10

You caught him out easy but seeing the context of his texts to her, sexual in nature, that's enough for you to end it. Well done for believing in yourself and not accepting anything less.

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 30/04/2018 14:16

I think I need a time being single for a while as I really am not a good judge of character. He is the sort of man you really wouldn't believe capable of this, he is friendly and caring, does things in the community, is loved by the elderly, used to run a church youth group, its like discovering that Santa is Hitler

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 30/04/2018 14:23

I am a ridiculously loyal person and I hate giving up on people
You are allowed to be loyal and NOT put up with bullshit.
28 years!
You wasted 26 years of your life on something you shouldn't have.
Please get some counselling for yourself.
Find out why you 'settle'.
You get one shot at this life.
Do NOT waste any more of it!

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 30/04/2018 14:33

Yes, your right Hellsbellsmelons, life is too short. I am now 53 and although would be happy being single, one day it would be nice to meet someone genuine and have a happy relationship, one which is built on trust.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 30/04/2018 14:35

In fact, I am organising a holiday with my DD, she has also had a relationship end in the last few months so I am going to spend some time with her and have a nice break and some sunshine!

OP posts:

FairyFace · 30/04/2018 18:31

Hi Jenasaurus just wanted to wish you well, I feel really bad for you and you seem like a lovely lady. Its really hard when you just don't see it coming, I know how you feel, its a real blow. Enjoy your holidays with your DD XX

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 30/04/2018 19:28

thank you for your kind words FairyFace they mean a lot. I think it will be a while before I trust anyone enough to have a relationship again, but maybe being single for a while is what I need. xx

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 30/04/2018 19:44

Well done you for not being prepared to be messed about, I am sure good things will come your way.

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 30/04/2018 20:05

thank you crimsonlake its early days and I know each day will be easier. I realise that he must have checked out of the relationship 2 years ago (when the texting started) and I keep thinking of all the things we have done since then, how is it possible for me not to realise, I am either blind or he was a clever actor. One of the things he said to explain it actually made it worse, he took her out for dinner on his birthday!! I was so hurt that he would want to consider spending his birthday with a work 'colleague' rather than his girlfriend, he said it was because I was overweight and shouldn't eat. why oh why didn't I see him for what he was

OP posts:

dangerrabbit · 30/04/2018 20:08

What a hurtful thing to say. You are well rid of him.

Sally2791 · 30/04/2018 20:16

So sorry for your sadness but well done for making a clean break. It is horrible to realise that you have been "done over" strange that he gave you the option of talking to her unless she knew about you all along. Have a great holiday and better luck next time x

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 30/04/2018 20:16

yes dangerrabbit you are right. Somehow everything he said he did so in such a way I thought it was for my own good but it was said to put me down, make me insecure, I am a little confused why he would want to make me insecure though, if he was seeing another woman, would it matter how secure I felt as he had a back up plan. I don't blame her though, she is single and from what I know hasn't had an easy life, she also has a daughter, she is nearly 20 years younger than him too. I imagine he was lonely and she filled a need, but I was lonely too when we were apart and I didn't jump into a relationship with someone in my office

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 30/04/2018 20:18

sally2791 He told me he had said he was in a relationship to her, so I am guessing she knew. In fact he told me her daughter was shocked he had a GF as thought her mum was with him. So I guess he has misled everyone

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 01/05/2018 13:14

Just talking to my work colleague about what happened this weekend and we ended up hysterically laughing about something I havent shared on this thread. I thought I would share it as it did bring laughter into a horrible situation.

When I discovered the texts it was the middle of the night, and we were staying in his mums retirement flat as she is in a home now and the party we were going to was nearby. The flat has alarms in the rooms for the warden to attend in an emergency. Anyway, I read the texts and full of rage sprung out of bed into the bathroom and yanked hard on what I thought was the light switch, which came off in my hand. This was followed by a very loud shrill alarm and then a voice of the warden/security asking if Mrs.... was OK. I was still seething but my ex was wide awake and said "dont worry false alarm we are OK!"... I was still cursing him in the background, god knows what they thought, but it was a funny moment in an otherwise awful moment of my life.

I do wonder why the accepted a male voice saying "its Ok false alarm" though as he could have been an intruder in her flat.

OP posts:

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