Help needed

[MrsPaddywack]

Hi all. I'm prepared to get flamed for this but I desperately need advice.

So there is two parts to this.

One I've been married to my DH for 5 years and we have 4 YO DS and 2 YO DD. He's a great dad etc. We have had huge issues over the years, family interefering, him doing nothing around the house, not listening to me or ignoring my health problems, depression etc. I've always over looked and have at times said I can't do this anymore. Fast forward and we get on as friends, massively snap at each other and occasionally have sex. Recently he's been trying to make an effort, been out for dinner and cinema but I'm still like his mother at home. So messy, picks up nothing , it's soul destroying. I pick up more after him then I do the kids.

So the second part to the story. There's a guy at work and we have SO much in common, we have huge chemistry and I've literally never felt like this in a room with anyone. I can't sit in say even Starbucks with him without feeling the Air thick with chemistry it's crazy... we are both adults and have realised whereas this may feel amazing it isn't real, in actual fact it highlighted our current relationships are not right. We aren't happy but have just been swept along with everyday life. We aren't planning to run off together in to the sunset. The opposite actually we talk, we have a laugh and although the chemistry is palpable we know it's probably not real and just a result of realising our relationships are not right.

So my dilemma
On one hand I can't imagine leaving because the kids would be devastated and so would my husband..I know we love each other but are not IN love, we don't have much in common apart from the kids. On the other hand I cannot imagine the rest of my life being like this. Im only 31. My heart sinks when I think is this it?

Well this will be it for you if you do not get out of your marriage. Where do you see yourself at 32 onwards, still with your H who BTW sounds absolutely awful?. Still daydreaming your life away with Mr Work Colleague who also sounds like bad news?.

What do you get out of this relationship? I can see the attraction for him (he has a ready made slave so he would have to find another slave if you left thus leaving him so called devastated) but you? What are you still getting out of this?.

Why did you write he is a great dad, no he is not. How low is both your bar and boundaries in relationships?. Its pretty damn low.

He is NOT a great dad to his kids if he treats you, the mother of his children, like this. He is a lazy, messy, inattentive and uncaring sod and you seem nothing more than a slave who still picks up after him (and has mainly carried on where his mother left off). Some example you are both showing your children about relationships; the two of you should no longer be together under any circumstances frankly. So why are you still together at all now?.

This man at work has basically highlighted the fact that your marriage is now dead and has been for some considerable time; you and your H are not compatible and you sound more like his mother than his wife and or lover. At least you are sensible enough not to run off with Mr Work Colleague, well yet anyway. But the temptations are there.

Make your own life with your kids going forward without your H or this work colleague man. If you have to work with him keep this relationship professional only. No more trips to Starbucks for instance.

Your children would not be devastated (an odd choice of word) if you left their dad; all both of you as their parents are showing them currently is that a loveless marriage could well be their norm too. Your H would only be unhappy that he is now losing his house elf, housekeeper and maid.

Is that the model of a relationship you want for either child as adults, some legacy that is to leave them. Its not the legacy you want to be leaving them and you are unhappy within your marriage for very good reasons. You have stayed to date for your own reasons (perhaps habit, fear of the unknown, not wanting to be alone, financial considerations etc) and not the children so do not use them as an excuse or reason to stay within this.

Thanks, everything you say is right. I know it is. He works hard to provide everything for us and I work part time so yes I worry massively about the financial side of things, I have a few health issues and also I am far away from any of my own family, I live in a city where it's his family around. It's also a cultural thing. The whole leaving when you have kids together is a taboo which I know is ridiculous! I keep bringing up why we shouldn't be together but he just shuts it down, I suppose it's just me crying wolf again in his eyes. There has in the past been Domestic, after an argument he pulled my hair, strangled me but apparently it was because I just wouldn't stop arguing back? He does treat me as a slave at times, but says well I didn't ask you to pick anything up? Obviously I would as I don't want my kids to live in that environment. I'm not using the kids as an excuse and Mr Work, as lovely as he is and the chemistry etc I would never go there. It's just highlighted to me even more that I am so unhappy in my life.

I think where would I live? What would I do? We have been saving for a deposit for a home and currently renting a family members of his home after moving out of his parents. So I have nothing, no Home, no money really, nothing. I don't know what step to take and how to take it. Generally day to day we get on ok, we muddle along together