prob with selfish sister very long rant{}

[KangaMummy]

My sister is 4 yrs older than me, have DB 18 months younger than me.

Prob is that she does not do anything to help our parents, do shopping, emotional support, they have both been in hosp recently at diff times.

Anyway a very close cousin's funeral is on tues. She said last week that she was not going because hadn't seen them for 15 years. A lie as saw them at my wedding and DS christening.

DB and I organised for the transport of parents to and from funeral. He is flying from Scotland to collect them in Sussex to take them to Oxford. We are taking them home again. Sister lives in Kent so would obviously be easier for her.

I wrote her a letter telling her how selfish she was all the time and that she only helped if it was convienient, she only works a few hours a day teaching piano at home after school. I am childminder, so if I need to take time off work it means many more probs for minded family.

My parents are telling me that I had to phone her to apologise for upsetting her I sent her a text saying SORRY BUT THE TRUTH HURTS.

I have not heard anything in reply but am dreading funeral as she now decides that she will go. Think the letter did make her feel guilty.

She always gets away with it as they say her DH is not co operative. My DH helps out alot and is very kind to them but he feels that we are always in the wrong because we are nice/helpful BUT I do tell her off. She then gets upset and throws all her toys out of pram and gets sympathy.

How can we be in the wrong for being helpful and then when I do tell her how I feel get told off for it?

Why is it OK for me to be upset by her but not the other way round?

Sorry for such long rant just needed to get off my chest.

Im very much in the same shoes kangamummy. my sister is basically a slapper. Im sorry but its true. Last year she was sleeping around (and she was only 17). Even slept with a 31year old. She ended up pregnant and had an abortion and found out she was suppose to have twins!! She was driving around in her car before she passed her test. She has left two jobs without having another one to go straight into. At the moment, it's been 7 or 8 weeks since she lasted work. My mum is paying for her car insurance and lending her money, when I really need it. Sister has only decided to apply for jobseekers allowance. She keeps borrowing from her boyfriend too. My mum even had the cheek to say to my xdp that my sister has more of a level head on her than me!! I could have hit the roof

She gets away with murder yet I get screamed at for going to the shop and leaving sister to look after dd for 5 minutes max. I should have been thrown into jail!!!

Yes tammybear it seems that your sister has the same attitude as maybe does yr mum to mine.

Does everything wrong and is still seen as the better daughter.

How can that be right?

DB ageed with me about her but he sits on fence and says doesn't want to get involved.

Have you ever been close to her Km - I find this very sad and can't imagine ever wanting to write my sis (10 yrs younger) a letter like that, even if I felt that way! If push came to shove and she upset me that much, I'd be more hurt than angry and would really want to find a pretty tactful way of telling her.

its best he doesnt get involved otherwise if your mums anything like mine, she'll hold a grudge against him. god knows why they favour the worst of them. It's like as if they're encouraging their bad behaviour

Aero, no we have never been close, all through my childhood she was seen as good daughter and me difficult one.

I was adopted as a baby and had big problems in teenage years with lack of identity. When I got to 18 and was able to find out details of bm/bf I was OK and didn't want to find them. I was really awful to my parents beacause I didn't know who I was. They did give me lots of info about bm/bf so not their fault. Sister/DB are not adopted.

She has always been moody to me but allowances were made, she was doing homework, studing for O/A levels, study for degree.

The letter was saying how she made me feel, but you see I am not allowed to be upset with her I am always told not to cause a scene. The upset just bubbles up inside me and then I am in tears with upset/anger/frustration. If I don't write it down in a letter and were to say it to her face I would not be able to stop myself getting upset and so therefore not make any sense.

Kanga - it's tough and unfair but I think that you will just have to accept that your parents are being unfair to you, but are probably unable to change their differing views/attitudes towarsd you and your sister. For whatever reason they may see you as a coper, and her as needier, so deserving more attention. Also I think you may benefit from some form of assertive training so that you can express your opinions at the time, rather than letting resentment build up, whilst at the same time responding more calmly to your sister and parents.

tammybear I know what you mean.

mummytosteven I think maybe assertive training would be good for all kinds of reasons. I am very shy in RL. I can't just join a group and start chatting also I find it hard to say NO if am asked to do something.

LIGHTBULB MOMENT perhaps that is the point--- that I want to help people and even if hard to do and will try whereas she just thinks of herself and says No. Perhaps AT would help that too.

DH says he wishes I could say it to her face 2 face but he knows how hard it would be for me.

I have told parents that I will not cause a scene on Tues at funeral, I will try to act normally to her. If I start to get upset with her I will try take deep breath and count 10.

Ive never had a go at my sister. I get on with her for the sake of getting on with her and because she's my sister. The only time I went completely mad at her was when my mum hadn't heard from her for about 3days and hadnt been home, and mum couldnt get a hold of her. When she came home, she couldnt see what she had done wrong, and why mum was so upset, so I had a go at her as I was just so mad.

But like MTS said, accepting it is the way to deal with it. We cant change the way people are, and as they're family, we just have to accept them. Unlike our partners, we cant change them can we? Im always biting my tongue, and then just have a moan to dd, who cant go telling anyone what I said because she cant talk yet

KangaMummy - where your parents are concerned I suspect that you feel subconsciously that - maybe if I do more/put myself out more they will like me better - unfortunately it doesn't work as simply or logically as that, and you just end up feeling frazzled by all your efforts and resentful. it's a common female trap I think - taking on too much as you are seeking for approval.

tb and mts

I think perhaps that is what has to happen I just have to accept that is the way it will always be.

I am tired of using up so much time and emotion on the situation. I want some way of releasing all this upset that builds up. So that I don't spend the whole time in tears.

I think that my parents do not want us to go the way of some cousins that the older brother J is not included/mentioned by his brother S or sister H. Their parents do not talk about J. He did nothing wrong by the way. S wife was upset that J had got married first "she thought J had stolen her thunder" We see all of them but at different times.

my xdp's family is divided. i thought it was quite sad and it's because of a marriage that ended in divorce, and conflict over who was right and who was wrong. do you see your sister much? im only around the corner from her, but i think id be better with her if i wasnt. iykwim

No tb I only see her after Christmas, Easter, sometimes summer hols. Used to see her more when DN was little I used to stay with her. He is now 16 yrs. The other DNs are 14yrs and 10½yrs.

My DS is 9 yrs. He likes 16yrs and 10½yrs but 14yrs is moody and sulks most of the time when we see them.

It is nearly always at parents house. They used to come to our house but BIL says it is too far to drive (2 hours). We don't get invited there unless we are taking parents there for day.

You can't change your sister, but you can change the way you respond to her. Anger can sometimes be useful as it clears the air, but from what you've said, it sounds like she is continually winding you up and your anger with her doesn't actually lead to any change in behaviour, it just repeats the same old pattern of behaviour where you are angry and feel bad and everyone else is either indifferent or angry with you. And so it continues until the next row. I think you need to stop responding in this way, because it's not making you happy and not changing anything. But how to respond differently? I think some kind of AT or counselling might be helpful in getting you to understand why she manages to wind you up so much. And it would put you in control of your responses to her.