Need some hand holding to walk away from Narcissistic boyfriend

[Foundoutthetruth]

I’m about to walk away from what quite frankly has been two years of hell with a lying. Unfaithful horrible man who reduced me to such a wreck and called me paranoid and jealous so many times I ended up reading his Facebook messages to find out the truth . I know it was wrong but I now know everything and I feel humiliated .
I started seeing a guy two years ago who lived a couple of hours from me and who I had known loosely on and off for a few years . I’m divorced and in my 40s . He’s the same age and never been married . I’ve never considered him for a relationship tbh as he seemed to lack stability etc however we became very close and after an intense week together I thought we could be something .
From that point onwards followed 18 months of hell in which one minute I was his perfect woman followed by he’d decided it was all too much and he didn’t want a relationship then when I backed off he would chase me and tell me he was confused and just needed time . He never labelled us but to his family and friends we were an item . We spent special occasions together . Went out with his family and I have them all on Facebook . Yet every time I asked him to commit to the relationship he would blow up and accuse me of putting pressure on him and say why couldn’t I just chill . I got used to the phone being out down on me . 48 hour silenced before he would call and act like nothing happened . Normally he would call daily several times so he knew this would devastate me . I’ve cried more tears than I could ever imagine and every time I thought it was genuinely over he’d invite me down and sweet talk me telling me how much I meant to him and how he couldn’t bare to lose me .
During this I knew he messaged other woman .Al old friends or exes . He seems to keep in touch with them all . Randomly messaging from time to time and I knew that was a red flag . One woman in particular he had known for over ten years . She was often dropped into conversation . Praised and raved about . When I asked if there was more to it he would always say I was paranoid and jealous . When I quizzed him too much about other women he would rant that this was the reason he didn’t want a labelled relationship because he didn’t need the bullshit .
Slowly but surely he started withdrawing his affection and treating me like a friend but still seducing me every time I saw him and telling me there was no one else and I was so special . On several occasions he invited this woman to stay . When she cancelled each time he would take his anger out on me .
Time and time again I excused everything because I was in love with him and put it down to past issues and horrible relationships he frequently went on about .
A few weeks ago I visited his mum and she put me on the spot and asked me about us . We’re we together officially and what did I feel for him . I told her the truth and she said he’s too damaged to commit . Blaming a former girlfriend but it brought things to a head for me .
Next time I saw him I said we weren’t on the same page and that we should go out seperate ways as he wasn’t prepared to go public with me .
I felt like a friend with benefits and that wasn’t what I wanted . He shocked me by becoming tearful and saying I had no idea how he felt about me . That he loved me . Everything was there he was just frightened as he didn’t think he was good enough for me and would let me down . He then said . It’s time to stop being scared let’s hive it a go . I went home not sure what to think but felt a bit positive . He was going to stay with his parents that week and had arranged birthday drinks at the end of the week . Lots were invited inc the woman he messaged who he had known for years . I was going too and for the next two days he messaged constantly . Lots of kisses and love yous then the night before I was due to arrive he went MIA. My calls went unanswered my messages ignored. At midnight I got a text saying out with friends . Really drunk going to bed soon .
Next day I heard nothing then he messaged just saying are you on your way ? So I set off. When I arrived I knew straight away something was wrong . He could barely look at me and didn’t even give me a hug. He gave me an elaborate story about going to the local pub and how drunk he’d got and that he staggered home and couldn’t get his key in the door etc . When I asked if he’d gone to visit that woman as she lived near by . He denied it and said that I was paranoid . He then told me to F off when I asked for a cuddle and got into bed .
I sat up all night crying and first thing I asked his mum where he’d been the night before . She said he’d told her he’d gone out with the woman in question and stayed over as they hadn’t seen each other for years and wanted a catch up .
I confronted him and he admitted it and said it was just friends and that he hadn’t told me because He was fed up of my jealous paranoid behaviour . I spent the day crying knowing he was lying .
The ext night she didn’t turn up to his do and he said it was because her car broke down . I didn’t believe him .
I went home the next day in tears and when I got home he called me and told me we were over . That he had no feelings for me and just wanted friendship . He said I created the situation with my behaviour and Id pushed him away . I was so upset I drove to see him straight awayduring which time he changed his take to being confused and that of course he cared etc I then foolishly ended up in bed with him . He still denied him and the other woman and again said if I’d just gone with the flow things would have been different .
I couldn’t stand it anymore so while he was asleep I opened his iPad and looked at his Facebook messages and it was all there in black and white . He had been messaging and calling this woman on and off for the whole time and been telling her how beautiful she was . How much he admired her etc and had been begging her to come and visit him . On the night he went AWOL . He met up with her and slept with her .
When he left the next morning he messaged telling her what a fantastic night he’d had . I felt sick .
The night of the meet he had messaged her telling her not to come saying he had the Spanish Inquisition all day from me and it would be awakward . She replied she was about to leave and was rather upset . He just said sorry I’ll explain another time . He then waited two days to message her to say sorry and then when she didn’t reply he sent a pic of the two of them saying how much he’d enjoyed the night . Followed by him asking her to let him know exactly what she wanted as he really liked and respected her .
She finally replied saying how let down she felt by being cancelled that way and that she felt he was leading me up the garden path . He said I’m not she’s just a friend and Ive sorted it . She told him she didn’t want to hear it and ignored his further messages where he begged her for a phone call to explain . I felt utterly devastated to make matters worse under her messages were ones to another woman he’d recently made contact with on fb who had contacted him saying she thought she knew him from school and that she was unhappy in her relationship . There was lots of mild flirty chat and he’d called her a couple of times . Directly underneath were messages to his best female friend in which they’d discussed me saying why couldn’t I just lighten up and let things develop then chatting about the woman he’d recently added on fb saying he thought she was sexy but there was nothing happening right now but he hoped it would .
I cried for about s day then to my surprise I got a message from the woman he slept with . She wanted to talk so I called her . He had told her I was nothing but a platonic friend who in every way was perfect for him but that he didn’t find me physically attractive ! We had a long chat during which she said he’d begged her for a relationship and she’d considered it but after his treatment of her on Friday she didn’t want to know and had set his messages to ignore . She was lovely and we both concluded he was a piece of shit .
He’s now giving me the keys just see what happens bullshit . I care . You mean so much . I’m walking . Walking as fast as I can . But do I tell him I saw his messages ? I know it was wrong but I needed to satisfy my own mind that I wasn’t crazy or paranoid . Right now I feel totally humiliated and I’ve run out of tears

Wow that was long, but I bet it felt good to get it all out.

Firstly, he wants women to be unavailable and then he can ramp it up. He’s done it with you and her and countless other people. Clearly avoident attachment.

The main problem is, that he knows that he can pull you back in again, his ego needs you, he doesn’t want to give you what you want, but he can’t bear to let you go.

The only thing you can do, is block all contact, you’ll go through hell and back, but if you have any intermittent contact then you’ll be back to square one.
He thinks he’s clever, he’s not. He’s probably persuaded himself lots of his own lies,
He’s a damaged person, and you don’t need to have any further contact.

Trust me, I tried to explain to my ex how much he hurt me, I tried to tell him why I was ending things, I thought he was like a normal person, and would feel regret and guilt. But the difference with this guy, is he is not a normal person. You could tell him a thousand times how hurt you are, and he would say sorry, or say it’s because of XYZ and it’s not his fault etc etc. And it still would t make a difference.

Actions not words. That’s what you need to concentrate on. And block block block. Don’t even give him an explanation of why you have blocked.

Fuck sorry that was long too!! I’ve been there. Trust me.

Well you have finally got the info to walk/run from this man.Don't ever go back.

Go no contact and block, it will make him feel worse if you ignore, especially if he is a narc.

Focus on yourself...a bad relationship like this hurts like hell but you will recover.There are lots of recovery vids on Youtube as well as mediation to calm you.

You are not a fool to be deceived by a highly manipulative man who sought to deceive you.It is only when you have this experience do we learn such people exist..I assumed it was just in the tv dramas.

You will be in shock so treat yourself as such...sweet tea, more sleep and good food.

You will soon get to the stage of realising this man is a sad loser who can't connect with anyone in a meaningful way.Narcs don't take aging well and often end up completely lonely.You however have the opportunity to learn from this and form other relationships with authentic people.

When you feel stronger, review what red flags you missed, that way you will feel less vulnerable about a new partner.

Thank you for replying .
I think you are right . He chases what he thinks he can’t have but because I’ve been a constant source of support to him he’s terrified of losing me . The woman he slept with said to me “he hasn’t even attempted to call me . There always has been a chemistry but I think he just wanted to massage his ego by getting me into bed. If I’d wanted a relationship he’d have run a mile . He’s scared to lose you because then he’ll have no one “ The latest woman he’s messaging is a friend of one of my friends . She said she’s bitterly unhappy in her relationship and is seoerated from her partner while they try to work things out . She said she’s someone that likes to fix people so we both think he’s lined her up as my replacement . Poor woman

Lifebegins50 . I think it was purely my own fears at growing old and not being wanted that made me ignore them .I told him I knew full well he had slept with the other woman but he still denied it . I guess the consensus is not to tell him I read his messages ?

I think he’s definitely a narc. He’s done the whole de value discard thing . I’m in no doubt he thinks he can hoover me after a suitable time has elapsed

Block and run. He’s too damaged to take on board what you’re saying and will twist it to justify everything to himself.
You are so much better than this.

Velvet bee yes sadly he’s already proved that by blaming me for all his behaviour over the last 18 months

But when you block you have to keep him blocked. He will do everything to get you back and you’ll want to believe in it. Because a normal person who says those things is believable.
But he’s not a normal person

Is he called Simon? I’ve an ex just like this.

Lostforagoodname I doubt he will if he thinks he’s got my replacement lined up . He will be blocked on fb/whatsapp and phone so he will have no way of getting in touch ever . I wouldn’t believe another word that came out of his mouth tbh

Frith1975 no not Simon !

He also seems less bothered about actually seeing me again and gave me some bullshit about how he’s confused etc and that he doesn’t want a relationship now

It’s a lucky escape. Don’t get drawn back in

I noticed that where as he used to rave about me to people because I do a very specialist job and he was always saying how good I was and how amazing I was . That’s all stopped . He told another woman in messages that our situation was mournfully complicated and he was tired of it now and didn’t need it

Oh don’t worry .he can consider his little problem sorted !

Reading your story is scary because I was in the same position I was just the other woman. He was a narc and used me on and off for years (clearly whenever is supply from the other woman was not enough)
I have now done 6 months no contact. Ive blocked everything and have stuck to it. I miss the attention but my advice for your mental health would be to do the same.
Being the other woman I know how much they slag their ex's off. One minute he would bomard/hoover me with messages and the next (after he got his wicked way) he would ignore me. It just messes with your head and you will never move on. He will forever lie and cheat.

Good Luck!

Love yourself . It’s hard to break free isn’t it ? But I’m glad to hear you’ve done it . It’s actuallh him that has told me it’s over this evening so I said fine and blocked him everywhere . I doubt he was expecting that

OP this has a lot of similarities with my situation. I was his gf, introduced as such, however there were other woman loitering the whole year and a half. He would claim they were blocked, then their messages would ‘just get through, there must be soemhing wrong with WhatsApp’... he also told me repeatedly that he wanted to marry me...but now declares ‘I can’t remember doing that, only at the start’.
my mental health has deteriorated to a level I have never known.
OP don’t waste anymore time on this person, you mentioned your age being part of the reason for ignoring these huge red flags, so no more wasting time on him, as that is exactly what you’ve done (through no fault). It hurts with every fibre of your being, I have two children and it’s exam time at uni, but my mind is consumed by him and what we had plans for.
Delete, block and know you deserve so much more than this. He has shown you who he is, his own mother is in her own way, warning you, listen.

Wading through shut I’m so sorry you are going through it too .
I haven’t contacted him for 24 hours . I do miss him desperately but I just keep telling myself that I deserve so much more . I dare say some one else is getting the love bombing and constant phone calls and I feel sad but not because he doesn’t want me but because he wasn’t who I thought he was

How are you feeling today Op?