Negative mother

[Jaybrickel]

My mum has always been incredibly negative and criticising of most things in general, and with my choices/descisions to the point that literally anything i choose to do in the back of my head is a thought about what will she think about it. Anyway my children had their first sleepover there together as my youngest child is only little. She has always been a very needy and clingy baby but has settled down much more and is in a good routine. My mum says she is happy to help and that i should ask for help more if im struggling (which i have been a bit) so she agreed to have them both so we could have a night out as a couple, the first in a very long time. Now my mum is single which i acknowledge makes it harder but on collecting the kids all she did was moan about how difficult it was and that the younger one cried for half an hour at bedtime and it went on. I know i am quite sensitive to her generally but iv left feeling so upset again. Shes been very negative about my youngest since he was born because he has been much harder than the eldest and i worry that will continue as she gets older and she’ll obviously have a preference to my eldest child. I just feel like she’s cross if i dont ask for help but when i rarely do she moans to the extent i dont ask again. My in-laws would happily have the kids but then my mum would be jealous and give me grief over that. I cant even talk to her about how i feel because it always gets twisted into how my words are making her feel and how horrible and ungrateful i am. When in the past i’ve tried to limited how much time i spend with her i get comments like “i never see the children. I dont feel like i even know them anymore”. I just cant win and its really affecting me.

Do read "Toxic Parents " by Susan Forward. Your mother is in those pages (along with your own fear, obligation and guilt re her too). Consider too posting on the "well we took you to stately homes" thread on these pages too.

Its not you, its your mother. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and now she is trying similar with your most precious of resource, your children.

If your PILs are nice concentrate on them, your mother simply wants to use your kids as a further stick to bash you with. She is not interested in helping you at all and the help she offers is purely on her terms alone.

Raise your boundaries a lot higher (no more sleepovers for a start) and keep her well away from your children as well as yourself. Start being more unavailable to her as a family and further lower all interactions with her. Use a registered childminder or an agency like Sitters to look after your kids for the evening. She is not a good person to be around anyway given her overall negativity which is not your fault either. Its not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way. Her own family did that.

My mum is similar, negative and controlling. I basically never leave my kids with her which is really tough as I'm a single mum and have zero help. My ex's parents love and adore my children, my mum just goes on about how difficult my boys are - when they aren't at all!

I have no advice, I just distance myself from her as much as I can now. I completely relate to every decision has her opinion in the back of my mind.

My Mum is similar. I moved countries so ds wouldn't have to grow up around her.

Can you not tell her about the ILs having the DCs?
Or would she find out some other way?

She would find out. We all live locally and she sees my in laws regularly. I wouldnt feel comfortable asking them to lie to her either, it dont want to drag them into it.

I know we’d have a heathier relationship if we didnt live as close but for work etc thats unlikely to change soon.

Its more thst she actively asks to have the kids (well she only wants the eldest, not the baby) then moans as if i have majorly inconvenienced her. But yes you’re right i need to limit when she sees them much more.

She seems to think because she is single it is my job to support her as a partner would whilst not having any interest in my problems other than to tell me what im doing wrong, thats even if she’s listening. Most of the time i just stop talking mid sentence because she’s not paying attention and she doesnt even notice.