Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Struggling with grandparent favouritism

16 replies

hattiesmumm · 29/04/2018 09:56

My dps grandparents favour his sisters child over ours. And it’s so bloody obvious that they don’t even hide it. They send DN parcels each week, pay for dance lessons, swimming, give her pocket money etc. They go to their house and stay there for a week at a time. They have seen DD 3 times and she’s nearly 2. DN is 4.
Each time they have been to see DD they last 30 mins and then go. They only come here when driving past to go and see other family members.
It’s getting me down so much. Dd doesn’t have a grandma from myside as she passed away a few years ago.

They apparently treated dp and his dsis different throughout their childhood too, like dsis will get a bike and dp a chocolate bar.

Even things like comments on pictures, they wil comment “she’s so cute” on dds pictures but a whole paragraph of how lucky they are to have dn and how beautiful and amazing she is, how they can’t wait to see her and how they are looking for x y z for her.

It actually makes me so angry. We can’t say anything for fear it will be made our fault some how. Dp doesn’t care because he’s used to it, but I’m so fed up of it being rubbed in our faces so obvious! I feel like they know what they are doing.

OP posts:

Iggiattheend · 29/04/2018 10:00

I suspect this goes deeper than this, but it is quite common for a daughter to have her Mum round more often than a son, and hence be closer to those dgcs. They may not be happy to invite themselves round and need more formal invites. Having said that, if this goes back to their childhood it seems likely to be straightforward favouritism. Are they people you could talk to about it at all? Failing that, do you have older people in your lives who could have relationships with the dcs?

ShaniaTwainAndTheRubyKitKat · 29/04/2018 10:02

My husbands parents are the same, I just ignore it. My children have no contact with either of my parents as they are abusive so DHs parents are the only GPs they have contact with. Their granddaughter (1 y/o) stays round there multiple times a week, new clothes, extravagant toys, they do childcare for free on weekdays twice a week on average. Our children (1 and 2) have stayed at their house a grand total of twice. It was my birthday a few weeks ago, they made a massive deal about having them overnight so that me and dh could go out together. The day came around and they sent me a text saying ‘so will you be coming for Sunday dinner this week?’ No mention of them having the kids so I just forgot about it and had a takeaway instead. Boring.

Original poster

hattiesmumm · 29/04/2018 10:03

Ita dps grandma, so the kids great grandma, would understand more if it was their mum.

I have no one to talk to sadly, Iv said it loads to dps mum and she said it’s always been the same, that his sister was always favourited and that I shouldn’t let it bother me. But it does :(

OP posts:

ShaniaTwainAndTheRubyKitKat · 29/04/2018 10:04

(FWIW I don’t even know where the invitation of a Sunday dinner came from, I think my MIL just made it up to make it clear she didn’t want to have the kids!)

ShaniaTwainAndTheRubyKitKat · 29/04/2018 10:05

It’s weird isn’t it? My husband is the youngest so has always been babied a bit more by his parents so it’s actually surprising that they are so distant with his (our) children.

Original poster

hattiesmumm · 29/04/2018 10:11

Take dds first birthday, didn’t hear a single thing until 8pm at night and that was after I texted her saying I was upset she couldn’t wish Dd a happy birthday or send a present on time. We got told off because she had been in hospital for a general check up so she didn’t have time to send a quick text to say happy birthday. But dn and her family go to theirs for a week every year for dn birthday and they have a birthday party for her. Her bday is the day after ddS

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 29/04/2018 10:14

Sorry

Are these great Grandparents of your dd??

Amaried · 29/04/2018 10:16

I'm sorry you feel this way and it's not nice but to be fair it's your dad great grandparents so not very close and I think you sending a text giving out that they didn't send a present on time to be very ott.
What about your child's actual grandparents? What's your relationship like with them.

MarthasGinYard · 29/04/2018 10:20

Agree

Original poster

hattiesmumm · 29/04/2018 10:22

It’s my dds great grandparents yes, but she doesn’t have grandparents apart from dps mum.

OP posts:

SleepFreeZone · 29/04/2018 10:28

My mum is similar. Rarely sees my children, sees my sister’s children all the time. To be honest I don’t mind as my DP is an only child and his mum absolutely dotes on the grandchildren.

It’s very difficult though to have it rubbed in your nose. I ended up taking my sister and mother off my Facebook as I couldn’t stand all the fawning. Felt so much better about it all since I’ve done this.

FeralBeryl · 29/04/2018 11:54

It sounds like you and DD have a great relationship with DPs mum though. She is the grandparent and is aware of the issue.
Honestly yes, it's hurtful. I have it differently in that DHs mum clearly favours one of my DCs above the others which is awful to manage.
I'd stop focussing on her relevance if you can- if DD is unaware, keep it that way. Your relationship with her paternal Grandmother and auntie are more important than someone who has got away with doing this her whole life.
Remember - comparison is the thief of joy

category12 · 29/04/2018 12:03

It's no point getting upset about it, op - this is the family dynamic you married into. You're pissing into the wind complaining to the perpetrator, they've been at this for years.

Just enjoy your little family unit and try not to repine over an extended family you can't have for your dc (cos it's dysfunctional).

category12 · 29/04/2018 12:05

The dysfunctional = the extended family you have, I mean, not your desire for a good one.

SeaCabbage · 29/04/2018 14:46

Yes, why does it upset you? She's obviously a cow. Be glad you don't have that contact with her! Your daughter is too young to care surely?

What is your dp's mother like with her?

FairyFace · 29/04/2018 18:42

Same here, my dh has a brother and sister both with kids and his father doesn't really bother with ours, even though we live closest to him, has no bond at all with them, don't know why they are such lovely little kids and are always mad to see him, and I am always inviting him to call or go places with us. I think its his loss and try not to let it bother me, he has never so much as brought them to the shop or a mcdonalds but will bring his other gk. My kids don't really notice it tbh, there is plenty of love in our household and my own family dotes on them also. Some things you just can't explain and you can't force it to happen either.

Flip