Should I move on?

[Maggie87]

I’ve been with my first and only boyfriend since 2011. In 2015 he decided to give up his job and spend time in Australia. Before he left I broke up with him to give him the chance to “sleep around” because he mentioned that was what he wanted, but we stayed in touch, talking everyday. He never got to use the condoms that he brought with him. When he came back, we met up and it was almost like nothing happened, but he moved back with his parents, and started meeting up with a woman who he had a crush on before he met me. He asked her out back in the days, but she disappeared. She did reappear in 2012, and they have met up several times. However, he was now located closer to her than he was to me. Throughout the years, I have heard that she contracted chlamydia from her ex, she then went into a new relationship and performed sex acts for her boyfriend via webcam. Everything that I heard was disgusting.

As our relationship grew (before he moved to Australia) I heard more about her and complaints directed towards myself. Things like she wore make up and women with makeup on are more attractive, whereas I don’t wear makeup. She was top heavy whereas I had a small chest. She was very talkative and interesting, whereas I was quiet and spoke in a monotonous voice. He never made these direct comparisons, but over time, I felt like I was inferior.

Fast forward to now, we are still living apart. We have both bought a house separately. We have had talks about moving on. One day he’ll say that he should move on, but the next day he’ll tell me that he loves me and asks me to move in with him. I’ve tried to move on, but when he found out, he was very upset and said that he needs time to make his mind up. Recently, after he said that he wanted to move on, I went to see him, and told him that we should stop talking. He teared up asking me if I wanted to break up with him. He broke up with me 18 months ago. Upon seeing this, we cuddled and I told him that I would wait for him to make his mind up.

I have recently found out that he has been meeting up with the woman quite frequently - Something he denies. He refuses to drive 100 miles to see me for the weekend, which meant that I made frequent trips to see him. I later found out that he’s been driving or taking the train on a 60 mile round trip to watch a film and have dinner with her on weeknights. When I found out through piecing our conversations together, he said that he visits his parents, and just sees her because she lives in the same city. There’s no way that he can do all those things with her and see his parents, unless it’s just a hello and goodbye.

Just a few days ago, he told me that he was meeting a male colleague at the pub, but he was actually watching a show with her, and invited her home, even though she could catch the last train. When I called him that night, he rejected my call and messaged me to say he was too tired to talk. She was obviously in close proximity so he didn’t want her to hear. I absolutely know that they just had a catch-up and nothing sexual, but I am angry and upset that he keeps on seeing her even though he knows it upsets me and chooses to lie about it, and I am livid that he lied about seeing his friend when he was seeing her and obviously the fact that he had her in his house overnight.

I am in tatters and unsure of whether I am being irrational for not allowing him to see his friend or whether I should be angry and feeling a sense of betrayal.

I think I deserve better, but apart from seeing this woman, he is nice to me.

Can you really be 100% certain they have no sexual relationship? They sound like they are dating!
Disregard what you have heard about her, he’s the one who is stringing you along.
In my honest opinion he is not going to commit to you and is stringing you along. You don’t say if you still have a sexual relationship or not. If you do then you are basically a long distance booty call.
Perhaps you have both grown apart. It’s been many years spent living apart and you have become too comfortable and neither of you have taken the plunge to go to the next step. If it was right, you would both equally want it to work and be excited to move in together.

Yes I think you should move on

Oh wow. Why are you to-ing and fro-ing and giving him time and space to be with other people? Waiting on a string for him to choose you which clearly he isn't doing.

What are you getting out of this, what do you want and does he really care what you need or feel or want? He's not nice.

And you are torturing yourself knowing all about what he's up to with this woman.

Stand on your own two feet, make the break from this man and cut the cord completely. Move on, and built your courage, strength and independence. And when you are ready go and find a man who absolutely 100% wants you and will do what it takes to be with you.

Thats not him. Put more value on yourself and set the bar high on what you want and don't think that's second best to what any man wants. Otherwise they walk all over you. If he can keep coming back to you and keep you hanging on a string - why would he ever choose you?

Take back the control. You know the answer to your questions/fears.

He disappeared to Australia telling you he'd 'sleep around' while he was out there, then came back and moved in with his parents 100 miles away from you, then bought a house but didn't ask you to move in, will see you only if you travel to him, regularly tells you he needs to move on, is dating and prioritising another woman whilst lying to you about it.

Op, in the kindest way possible, he is not your boyfriend. He is someone who enjoys keeping you on the hook. He may be fond of you as a person and care about your welfare, but he does not love you or want to spend his life with you. If he did, he would be living nearer to you, asking you to move in or at the very least travelling to spend time with you.

As he's your first bf you can't imagine finding anyone else but you will, if you accept that this is dead in the water and go nc so he can't reel you back in.

And I should stop obsessing about this woman. I've been cheated on and take a very dim view of ow, but she's done nothing wrong really and is probably completely unaware of your relationship. I would bet anything he's told her you broke up, categorising you as the crazy ex who won't let go.

Op, he is not your boyfriend. This is not a relationship. You need to let him go so you can move on.

Yes, you should move on. Of course he’s sleeping with her. It sounds like she’s actually his partner, hanging out together all the time, meeting his parents? You need to find someone else.

Thanks for the replies.
I just wanted to add something. A week after his parents met her, they booked a villa holiday and added me as an occupant, so his parents know that he is not with her, and they are really traditional, so they wouldn’t agree with him having more than 1 girlfriend.

They are just mates. There is no intimacy going on between them, but I am just frustrated that he keeps on meeting up with her even though I disapprove and lie to me to keep me quiet.

Thanks Pookiedo. I didn’t want to admit to it, but I had been through their messages. There has never been a mention of I miss you or love you. Whereas he tells me that quite a lot. Their messages just involve a date and a time. Sometimes a photo of the train time (leaving to go home). This is the first time that she has spent the night at his. He’s also a a bit of a hermit, and is worried about losing friends, so he would not make the first move since she had initially turned him down

The only reason he’s not sleeping with her is cos she doesn’t want to.

Why are you selling yourself short like this?

You’ve tried to finish with him, but he gets upset? Well tough titty, let him get upset. He doesn’t love you and you’d be crazy if you lived him.

This cycle is not going to end until the other woman sleeps with him, then his mind will be made up. It appears you cannot make the break from him and are making excuses after excuses to remain in some kind of limbo relationship with him. He does not value you, you do all the running and waiting around for the crumbs he offers you.It is going nowhere and you need to value yourself more.

Throughout the years, I have heard that she contracted chlamydia from her ex, she then went into a new relationship and performed sex acts for her boyfriend via webcam. Everything that I heard was disgusting.

This is none of your business. You are not one to judge this woman for anything that may have happened in her previous relationships. She was unlucky enough to contract an STI. If her and her partner chose to use webcams as part of their relationship, it is no right of yours to judge her as disgusting or otherwise.
Wind your neck in. Your problem is not with her. Either end it with this man and move on or don't but this woman is not formyou to judge.

The reason that I have mentioned her past is that he doesnt have anything nice to say about her

Stop looking for crumbs that tell you he wants to be with you. He wants to be with her but hasn't actually admitted it to his parents or persuaded her to have him.
Sorry it's harsh but you need to move on and live your life without him.

So he’s slut-shaming the woman he’s been chasing/sleeping with? Wow, sounds like a charmer. It also sounds like he has a bit of a Madonna/whore complex.

In future, if a man starts telling you what a slut a woman is, the correct response is not, “wow, what a whorebag, so glad you would never sleep with her”. The correct response in this case is: “I thought she was your friend? That’s a horrible way to talk about your friend and a really disrespectful way to talk about women in general. It’s none of your business or mine what her sexual relations with other people have been. Will you be telling all your friends about what a slut I am if I sleep with you before marriage? You obviously have issues and I can do better. You’re dumped. Goodbye”.

But the woman is a red herring though?

The actual issue is that he's made it really clear to you that he is really not into you at all.

You're the fallback option. He keeps you on the go so that he has someone, but he's been really clear that he's on the lookout and has not decided on you, in any way.

Can you not just step off this Merry go round? Is it really necessary to debase yourself for him. Especially when he sounds such a complete knobber?

He has nothing nice to say about her to you because he's still trying to keep you on the hook. Of course he really likes her, he wouldn't be prioritising her if he didn't.

And even if she disappeared tomorrow he still wouldn't be committing to you would he? If he wanted you, he wouldn't have gone to Australia, returned to live 100miles from you, bought a house so far away from you or made it so absolutely and abundantly clear that he doesn't see a future with you.

It doesn't matter what he says with words, look at his actions. Hell, he cba seeing you unless you do the travelling.

He's stringing you along, move on and make space in your life for someone who will love you and value you.

You are a mug.
He is shagging her. He wants a relationship with her. He is keeping you on the back burner.