Female advice sought to a Male - just broken up...

[AnnonMan]

Hi. I'm a guy who has a 6 year old boy.
Me and his mum split when he was 6 months old. It was tough, but because I created my own business I was able to gain access 6 nights out of 14, and have done for all his life. I'm extremely lucky to say that I have a very close bond with him, and we have an amazing relationship.

Anyway I stayed single for 3 years, then met a girl, we became engaged almost 2 years ago. We never moved in together due to her work commitments and personal issues. She has no children of her own and so was step mum to my son. He always accepted her, loved her and our set up. But for the past 6 months it became 'fleeting visits', she no longer picked him up from school and helped out, and I accepted that it was causing her too much stress so took it all on once again. But having to work the hours that I do, also makes for a tough situation I suppose and things have been strained.
2 weeks ago, she broke up with me. I'm left devastated and don't know what to do next - how do I tell my son?

His Mum has since had one unsuccessful relationship, but now is with someone else. My son has said how lucky he is to have two mums and two Dads.... he's been through the mill a bit I think?, but I don't think it's affected him too badly at all. But then he just dotes on me and our relationship is special.

How do I tell him that my fiance / his step mum and I have broken up?

I get quite emotional quite easily when it comes to family. I'd hate to cry in front of my son, but fear that this is what will happen. I thought about asking his Mum if she could break the news. ?

This weekend is a Dad weekend, He's talked about her 5 times today alone, talking about we were probably left to have a boys weekend as last week I'd been working away.....

I left the room to go to the bathroom as It made me upset.

I just don't know what to tell him. I don't know who I can ask, I don't have any family of my own nearby. No real female friends to ask either. My Mum is no longer with us, Grandad (my Dad) will be left yet even more disappointed that his son screwed things up.....

Any advice, I would appreciate it. I just want to know what to do next.
Thanks. And sorry this message is so long.

Sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time .

Do you think your son's mum would be comfortable breaking the news? I would have thought it would be better/less confusing for your son if you were to tell him, although I can see it would be a very difficult and emotional conversation.

I can't really advise on how you'd explain it as I've no experience of six-year-olds, but hopefully you'll get suggestions from people who've been through similar things. My instinct would say, be as honest as possible, in simple, age-appropriate language.

You sound like a very caring dad - I do hope you can make the best of your weekend with your son.

I would tell him that X is not coming round because sometimes grown ups just decide not to be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. I wouldn’t go too in-depth he is only 6. Then just give him reassurance and answer any questions he has, let him lead the conversation instead of trying to fill it with anything too confusing.
I do think it’s actually ok for kids to see their parents upset as long as it is not OTT wailing. It is no good lying to kids or hiding things or pretending you aren’t sad, when you are. He may be sad too, but you can cuddle and reassure him and still be his dad. He will be fine. I say this as I’ve been through it and it wasn’t as bad as I expected. It was NOT telling them that is worse as they are confused.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. It is really shit when things don’t work out.

I just re read, why are you worried to get upset? It is sad. People get sad. Pretending not to be sad and asking your ex to do it is not really a very good way of going about it in my opinion

Dear OP - you sound like you've done a great job caring for your DS.

I'm sorry you are in pain as your relationship hasn't worked out. It probably would be better for you to tell your son, a bit of emotion is fine. You're his role model and showing him that men care and can communicate and be honest about difficult emotional things will be an important life lesson for him if he is to grow into an emotionally sensitive and caring man. If in future he has things that are upsetting him you will want him to be able to talk to you honestly about them too.

I'd be as honest as you can - in an age appropriate way. My DC were 6 and 4 when I split from their Dad so I have had a similar experience (though they would definitely be seeing their Dad - it doesnt sound like your ex is planning to stay in touch with you son?)

Can you say something like:

I need to tell you something that has made me very sad and it will make you sad too. Me and ..... have split up, and although she cares about you very much we can't stay together any more. Its got nothing to do with you, its about our relationship - it just hasn't worked out, we tried to fix it but it didn't work. I'm very sorry - it isn't what I wanted for you or for me but I will still look after you and be your Dad and give you all the love I can.

Just like in a divorce I think its important that you make it clear that it wasn't his fault and that she still cares for him.

@Bouledeneige has put it really well in her suggested explanation.

You sound like a really lovely dad who is doing a wonderful job

I’m so sorry you split up with your partner.

If there is no chance you will get back together (which is what I think the situation is from reading your posts) then I think the suggestions already made are excellent.

My friends ex told their ds aged about 6 that he and his ex weren’t making each other happy any longer and that they were better off not being together any more. He seemed to get that explanation.

Maybe having a really distracting fun activity lined up and then telling him about your break up early on in the day so he has time to start to process it way before bedtime would be good. His mum would also probably appreciate you letting her know in case he is upset about it when he goes home.

You are the centre of his world along with his mum so although he may be sad in the end he will always be so happy to have you.

And by the way, you and him will survive this. Wrap yourself in the joy and fun of your son, let yourself cry, get support from friends for yourself and line up things - however big or small - that are things for you to do and look forward to when he's with his Mum.

The bad days decrease.... This too will pass.

Thinking of you today

I agree with previous posters, it's not the end of the world if your son sees that you're upset. It will show him that it's OK for men to have powerful emotions and show them.

I think it's important that it comes from you. It will be less confusing if you tell him, and he'll be able to ask questions/seek reassurance if he wants to.

Also agree with telling him yourself. Part of growing up is learning about emotional things. It would be a shame to show your son that you (a man) can't talk about difficult emotional matters and that you have to defer to his mum.
Don't worry about letting him see you cry either. It is healthy to see people getting upset because it will allow him to see it's OK to get upset, and display that emotion appropriately.

I'm really sorry you've been going through a difficult time. It sounds as though you're a loving father, and when you're ready I hope you find someone who makes you happy.