Ending controlling/abusive marriage

[Embracingtheunkown]

Posting for support and a handhold.

I have 4dc and I have been going round in circles for 7/8 years knowing something wasn’t right in my relationship but never being brave enough to end it.
DH is controlling, but only in little ways which is really hard to put a finger on.
He is unfair and has no valid relationship with dcs 1&2 who are his step children, (all 4 are mine, elder dc from previous marriage)
He says I blame him for everything.
I hate the person I have become with him, I’m passive aggressive as if I attempt to tell him I’m unhappy about something he gets angry and swears at me .
My children deserve to be happy, all they get is contempt.
We can’t do anything right or good enough.
It’s exhausting!

Has anyone else been through this?

I didn't wanna read and run, so sorry you're going through this. I'm going through the same, been married for 7 years and I knew for the past 2 years something wasn't right. I'm in the process of leaving, what's your plans?

Thanks for posting Scandinavian
I have attempted yet again to discuss things with him this evening. As expected it didn’t go well. I said I think we should end things, he said “go for it” so I asked him to clarify that he wants to split up. That was the only time he didn’t answer me.

We are in the process of buying our first home together, moving from private rented. I’m panicking!

How about you?

He's probably angry and doesn't want to split up. It's not really a good idea to buy a house together when you're feeling like this, my DH is emotionally and financially abusive, I stopped loving him when my youngest was born. I have no feelings for him at all and know in my heart of hearts I'm doing the right thing. I'm in the process of moving out. Do you love him? I'm sure more experienced posters will reply soon as I am in the same boat as you.

Ok, first things first:

1. You do NOT need his approval to split.
2. You do NOT need to negotiate how to go about it with him at this stage
3. You need to be in a position where you can provide for your kids without to much of a problem, from the moment you split.

He diesn’t want to talk, so I think that what you really need to do is to put all your ducks in a row when it comes to finances (if you are not working get a job, find out how much support you can get, I would say don’t count so much on child maintenance as it would be a maximum of 20% of his net salary (if he pays), find out if you can afford to keep the house (buy him out, have the lease transferred to you or are able to take on the mortgage payments if you are allowed to stay there).

Once that you know you and the kids will be ok when it comes to finances, you let him know you are leaving and then, just then, negotiate how to go about spliting up.

If you are really thinking about leaving, it would be bonkers to buy a house, unless you are paying a substantial deposit you are at a big risk of ending up with negative equity and making the financial situation far more complicated for absolutely everyone.

Do not buy a house.

Do not give a monkeys about whether he wants to split.

You want to split. The relationship is bad for your children and you.

See a solicitor, get the ball rolling before you end up with a much more complex financial situation. He doesn't even have to know you've seen a solicitor until you've got a lot of it organised.

Take control. For your children.

Thanks for all replies,
The current house is rented in my name
I have just given notice to resign from my job as I have accept a place at university from September and my youngest is only 3. I have been studying alongside working since last September in preparation for uni and it has been a real struggle. My job is emotionally demanding and very stressful.
I could not afford to be single and not work as I would be affected by the benefit cap.
I am thinking about looking for an easy job 16 hours so that we can be free of him.

The deposit for the house is all in his bank account, around £70,000. This is left over from the sale of a property which was also in his name only which he purchased whilst we were married. I’m sure I would be entitled to some of this but would probably all be swallowed up in court fees first.

I have considered deferring uni for a year but I will still be in the same position next year so I may as well just get on with it and enable myself to provide for my dc in a few years without having to rely on benefits which I hate.

I feel totally stuck.

You are not stuck. You've just listed several options open to you. They will be tough at first. In five years time which option will be the one that makes you think thank goodness I did that then? I bet you have a feeling in your gut about which will be best long term. None of the options are nice in the short term, even if you make the decision to not make a decision.

I love the old saying "The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off."

Thanks Runrabbit
I think I know I just need to end it now and get in with it. I can work and study if I put my mind to it, 4 dc is busy though.

I have always thought if something is going to happen I could imagine it, I can’t imagine leaving him though. I can image buying the house and getting through it eventually.
He has just started a positive parenting course, maybe that will help.

I think I’m being weak but don’t want to throw everything away if it could be saved

Just don't buy the house until you know if the course will change his entire way of relating to you and the kids.

You'll regret making yourself more stuck. Loosen the shackles even as you wait to see if he chooses to change. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Is it the act of leaving you can't imagine or the life after having left?

Please do not buy the house. I made this mistake and 8 months later we split up. I'm now left paying the mortgage which I can't really afford and the house isn't selling!!

OP, you may want to seek some advice about being a student and benefits. As far as I knoe, you cannot longer get working tax credits if you are in receipt of a student loan.

There are no impossibles in life but dealing with a divorce process, new studies, 4 upset children (the divorce will mean there will be lot of changes even if their are well managed) and no financial independence comes (very) close.

I would forget about studying and concentrate on surviving financially. Alternatively, you may want to see your current setting as a “scholarship” that enables you to study, and leave when you finish the degree/ are able to support your kids and yourself.

Either way, don’t buy the house. It just makes things far more difficult.