How do you usually fix a row?

[CaraDeanna]

DP and I have had a minor argument, and I believe I am right, he believes he is. I'm 12 weeks pregnant and feel like he has offered me no support over the past 12 weeks. I've been exhausted, vomiting my guts up, and feeling overall drained and riddled with anxiety. He has cleaned once in the past two weeks, made me dinner twice, and not once asked how I am feeling. He came down from our room this afternoon from a night shift and I could hardly understand what he was saying as he was mumbling at me. He snapped at me for something minor and walked out of the room. I asked him a very valid question and he just mumbled at me again. Turns out he's so tired because he went to bed 3 hours after his night shift because he was playing PlayStation. I had a go and slid his bag across the hall (yes, aggressively and it did hit the wall) and lost my rag. Told him I'm tired of him doing fuck all as usual. He called me a twat which I think was unnecessary and uncalled for.

How do I fix this? I don't believe I have done anything wrong and he doesn't think he has. I'm lost. I feel like I'm dealing with a petulant child and that I'm going this pregnancy alone. Hurting pretty bad right now.

Maybe slightly more than a minor argument...

That sounds a bit rubbish if you are pregnant and expecting support, but is he normally like this? Do you get on well otherwise? How long have you been together and was baby planned?

@StaplesCorner he used to clean more but he's been on nights and stopped doing it the past couple of months (when I've needed the most help). If he can play PlayStation 3 hours a day when I'm asleep he can spend at least 30 mins of that 3 hours cleaning surely? We get on well most of the time but he does have a very short fuse. We've been together 2 years and baby was very much planned!

He's never been particularly caring so I don't know why I'm expecting him to be now... he also told me a while back that him and his ex just used to bicker all the time and argued even at their scans. Lo and behold we have a scan on Monday...

Oh dear. So does he have children from a previous relationship?

@StaplesCorner he does yes, just the one. She's 7.

Thanks for clarifying Cara - the only suggestion I have is to wait till you can talk and set out what you need him to do, and see what reaction you get then you can think about how to handle it.

Can I ask if he's never been particularly caring, what are his good points? Why did you want to stay with him and have kids together?

@StaplesCorner thank you. His good points? He works hard, pays 50% of bills, good dad to his daughter. Nothing special. I think I'm a mug!

Just to clarify, I don't think there is a row to "fix", but I think there is a possible problem with expectations - I mean you must have rowed before, but I am assuming this feels different because of the baby. So there is a problem to discuss - if you're committed to each other hopefully you can find a way that he can support you more. Hopefully someone else can come along soon and put some other ideas and perspective in.

Why did you say he's nothing special?

@StaplesCorner because he's not at the moment. I'm struggling to respect him as a man with a pregnant women who does absolutely nothing in the way of help!

That should probably say pregnant girlfriend

He needs to "Unwind" afyer work.. nothing unwinds quicker than sleeping.

I don't think that is especially fair. I can't sleep straight from work; my mind is still awake. I need to do something soothing for a bit. I don't game anymore but I did as a teenager; that would work, as would reading or anything else. Cleaning wouldn't, it's not soothing.

That said; he should be helping, and he should be caring. If he's never been either of those things, he's unlikely to become them now. If he usually cleans but not on night shifts, he probably doesn't feel that he's done anything wrong.

You need to talk to him regardless; your fights are already at the stage where you throw his belongings and he calls you names. Not a healthy environment for either of you or your baby, when it's born.

To answer your question; we don't really fight - but we talk through disagreements, and if we ended up in a heated situation, we'd have ten minutes apart and then one of us would start to make things up. It sort of naturally alternates, so nobody ever feels that they always fix things. I'd feel very differently if he scared me though; or threw things.

Here if it's a serious argument like the one you've had, we tend to stay away from each other until the anger has boiled away, then have a conversation.
If I expect something (like you expect him to do his share at home and offer you support), I normally check with friends or MN that I'm reasonable, the start the conversation by telling him what I expect and why. For example, we went through fertility treatment and the hormones knocked me for 6. He didn't understand and during a bicker, asked what my problem was and why was I so on edge In the talk after, I told him my hormones were everywhere, I was scared of the effects on my body, I was stressed and anxious about it working and I needed him to just lay off with his jokes, cuddle me more than usual and take some responsibilities off me because I was overwhelmed. Because I was calm and specific, he understood and gave me exactly what I needed.

In your case, I would simply tell him you're exhausted, you don't want him to 'help' you want him to do his share. Don't apologise for getting angry or asking for this, tell him baby was planned so he must have known his life couldn't just carry on as usual could he? Put it back on him to fix this.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath I know this isn't the point but I just need to clarify that I only slid his bag across the floor and he chucks it about as it only has his shoes in. I thought it was unreasonable for him to call me a twat because of it! I slid it towards him because it's covered on dirt and mud and was on the kitchen counter and was part of my point about him not trashing the house and treating it like a pig sty.

I just don't think he's that way inclined and I'm just going to have to accept that he's not going to be of any physical or emotional support to me.

Thanks @IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy - the idea of confronting this makes me very nervous as I know it'll be turned on it's head and I'll be the one apologising whilst he sits there smugly. I hate this, I just want him to be kind. I'm an anxious mess and previously had 3 miscarriages so am terrified of my scan on Monday, in tetchy, tired, worked 50 hours this week and just want a kind loving boyfriend to look after me a little. Slowly realising that this will never be my reality.