ADVICE: long-term, long-distance, happy relationship... should it end?

[britneyabroad]

I am 23 years old and me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 six years. We have lived in different cities for 4 of those years to study. I never had any doubt about wanting to be with him during those first two years. A year ago, I moved out of the country to do my Masters (before we were both in the same country just different cities). Living apart has meant I sometimes ask myself whether it is really worth it (I think this is pretty natural), but this wasn't very common/intense until the past year or so. I don't know if it is because of the distance, or perhaps for another reason, but my doubts about the relationship have become stronger and more regular. Before, it would be fleeting moments of doubt and I would quickly fall back in love with him again (he really is anyone's dream boyfriend - he has a gentle heart and I know he looks up to and respects me). Now, I've settled into a cycle: we see each other perhaps once every 2 months, after about 3 weeks I experience an intense few days (sometimes as long as two weeks) where I think I should break up with him. Then I just get excited about seeing him again and the feeling passes. The reason I am worried is because each time this happens, my feelings of doubt get stronger than the last, to the point where I avoid speaking to him and plan out the break up conversation. The guilt is eating me up, and my thoughts often leave me in tears because I know I'd be lost without him. On the flip side, I don't know if the reasons for staying are more to do with habit and feeling settled in a comfortable cocoon of fond memories that we share together. Some days its the only thing I think about: I feel guilty one minute, for ever thinking I could break up with such an incredible guy, and then the next I feel angry that he doesn't know I'm feeling like this, even though I've rarely mentioned it (so how can I blame him!). I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel very confused and guilty. My friends think I might just be bored with how the relationship is, and some even suggest that we perhaps should have broken up a while ago but the distance has made things drag on a bit (seeing as every time we see each other, its a short period and we're just happy to see each other). As I write this I am going through (as it probably appears) an intense 'doubt' period, but I know in a few days I'll be so excited to see him in a few weeks and I'll feel annoyed I ever considered my life without him. I still think about my future with him in it, but realistically its only going to get harder given that we have different plans for when we have finished university (he is in his final year). I guess this is the first time I've ever tried to write it down, and there is a lot I haven't said, but if anyone has any advice (and please be blunt - I feel that my friend's aren't blunt enough), it would be welcome. I have mentioned it recently to him and his answer always seems to leave the ball the in my court...he'll do whatever I want to do type thing... but I certainly haven't told him I have genuinely considered breaking up with him because I think this will really hurt. If anyone has any advice about where to start, I'm all ears.

Do you have any plans in the near future to be living together or living closer?

You know that saying abscence makes the heart grow fonder ? I think sometimes long term it has the opposite effect . You have a whole other life away from him but can't act single , I don't mean sex as such but just generally you have all the ties of a serious relationship from a young age but rarely get to enjoy actually being together .

Yes I think a key factor would be is there a chance to live near to each other anytime soon ? If there is then I think it would be worth seeing how it Goes at that point if you do really love him seems a shame to have done the hard part and not give it a go

It does seem a shame your using up a lot of your youth with someone who you only see rarely. Have you no plans to be together?

My friend has been in a relationship exactly like this for a decade. She's 39 this year and nothing has changed. She is happy in the sense that she has her own life and interests as well as loving him and enjoying the time they do spend together but she has watched the years tick by and nothing has ever moved on. All her other friends have been married and/or had children, which are things she has told me she wants, but which are not happening in this relationship.

She's older obviously but personally it's not an arrangement that I could live with. I work at the same place as my husband and we have shared hobbies and friends so we are the total opposite and I get that that sort of thing isn't for everyone either! The question is, are you happy? And the answer is, you wouldn't be posting if you were.

After he has finished university he will probably do a Masters like I am doing, so I guess after that we will coordinate. The thing is, he doesn't like talking about the future, he likes to just see where things goes. Which has been fine for me, I guess, but now I'm reaching the end of university and am ready to include him in my post-university plans, but I don't know if he feels the same way. When I bring it up we kind of both end up just agreeing that 'we'll see where it goes'. So in answer to the questions about whether we will be living together soon, we shan't be in the next year, but then after that, I suppose if we both move back to our hometown then, yes, but as I said everything is still up in the air for the time being. Do you think we should be having those kind of conversations?

Your set up sounds very appealingly. I think more & more people having suffered in annoying Velcro relationships, will live like this

I think a big factor is that I'd be pretty annoyed if things didn't work out, having lasted this long. And if we did break up I think I'd feel a bit resentful of the fact that I spent my whole university experience in a relationship that didn't end up working out. I know that might sound a bit immature but its the truth.

Psychobabble you're right in saying it would seem a shame to do the hard part and not see what happens, which is perhaps one of my main reasons for not wanting to break up.

It's not immature britney I have a decade on you and I completely get you !

It's a tough one because at the opposite end of being a shame spending all these years committed and not ending up giving it a real go you have potentially looking at doing the same long distance for the next year or so and it still not going any where ! If I'm reading it right though you are back in the same country now ?? I think it's fine to say to him that you are looking for a bit more commitment as it's just not enough time together ! Your not asking for a marriage proposal here but it wouldn't be unreasonable to see each other every other weekend for example ?! His reaction may be telling ??

But also think about how you actually feel about him , if he told you he was moving to be near you tommrow how would u feel ?? That may also be telling

I do think you need something more than 'let's see how it goes' at this point, after 6 years. Without definite plans and a definite commitment to share your lives, both of you are very vulnerable to meeting someone else and then - poof- the relationship will go up in smoke. It will feel like the natural thing to be doing, at your age and in the circumstances.

You're having doubts now. I don't think you'll be able to sustain the relationship when you return to this country if he doesn't take you into account when he's making plans for the next stage in his life. Beware of the sunken fallacy. Just because you've put so much effort into the years of living apart doesn't mean you should go on doing it. You're building a house on v shaky foundations. There will be more to regret the longer you leave it.

Thank you for your messages it is really refreshing to get some opinions outside of my friendship circle. I think if he told me he was moving near me tomorrow I would of course be happy, but perhaps a little nervous. We've just spent all this time apart it would be interesting to see how we are around each other. I think a big thing is that he's not sure what he wants to do, and whilst I don't want to put any added pressure on him to make decisions about his future, at the same time I would like to know what I myself am doing and what I can expect. I think you're right in saying I need to tell him how I feel about the commitment issue, and about our plans for the next stage in life. I need to talk to him properly next time he comes, its just I get so distracted and push it out of my mind because I don't want to spoil the few days we have together.

I did this for a very long time and now we are living in the same place and married.

So it can work.

However, we were older than you are now when we got together and had both had other relationships before. We were both clear that we wanted to make it work long-term and that our goal was to find a way to live in the same place and start a family.

IMO when you’re in a long distance relationship you do need to talk more about these things and make sure you’re both on the same page because otherwise you are potentially wasting an awful lot of time and money and opportunities elsewhere.

I think you genuinely do need to sit down and have a talk about the future or perhaps find a way to do a stint when you are living together in the same place (could be come stay with you for the summer?).

Long distance is hard, but if it’s truly meant to be, I think you wouldn’t have many doubts. My husband and I met working abroad, were together in the same city for 7 months and then we both had to move home to our respective countries (11 hour flight apart). We did what you’re doing, flying back and forth for 2.5 years every 2-3 months. It was hard (and expensive!). But I had minimal doubts, maybe only the occasional fleeting one because we’d never really had a normal life together living in one country before we decided to get married (somewhat necessary to make it possible for me to easily get a visa to move to be together). Our relationship was strong though and we spent those years talking a lot and planning a future together. After 2.5 years, I finally moved to be with him when I got my visa, we got married and have been together 10 years with two kids now.

It is really hard to be apart but I think you have to separate out the stress of being long distance from just not being sure about the relationship. Don’t hang on if the relationship truly isn’t right just for the sake of it. But do see if you can plan a way to move things forward, move to be together, do a trial living together, even if it means delaying his/your next steps. That way you know. If it’s not meant to be, better to know sooner than later.

From my experience though, if a relationship is truly solid, it can last the distance until you find a way to be together and it’s worth working for that if it’s what you both want long term. My husband and I knew though before we moved that the separation was temporary and that we had a future together, wanted to be married, etc. So that helped keep us going during those years.