Feel lost and unwanted

[Pixieequestrian]

Hi all,
I'm looking for support rather than the usual you should leave as it's not really what I need to hear.
Ok so here goes.
Relationship 18 years married 2 years.
Son who is 18 and my world!!
My husband isn't the supportive type, not emotional at all, not loving, never been cuddled, never told I'm pretty or I look nice.
I get ignored if I walk in the house and I'm late from being at the horses etc.
He doesn't have a relationship with my son ever and blanks him daily.
Doesn't want to socialise, or see people.
Hates it when my son brings his girlfriend home or someone is to visit.
The only time he is happy is when he's made money or he wants sex.
Throughout the years Iv brought my son up alone, he's never attended a school play, parent Eve. Hates me dropping people off and I never see anyone.
I really can't say a happy thing about it all and due to all the crap, tears I mean sobbing till my ribs hurt, heart ache embarrassment when we have gone out and Iv been belittled, just emotion stress I was diagnosed with diabetes which is now taking its toll.
I feel so alone, unwanted, unloved.
How do I cope with it, Iv had enough but he never changes and won't talk about anything? He blanks me for days if I try and approach him.
Iv taken on a hobby which he hates me doing but I can't let life pass me by any longer. This is my only escape.
So sorry it's vague but I'm sitting here going crazy in the silence x

I guess it could just be his personality, but some of what you describe makes it sound like your husband could have Aspergers.

that sounds a terrible way to live - lonely, defensive, joyless. I'm so sorry.

it's hard to offer advice though, when you say you don't intend to split from him. If he isn't willing to change, then you're going to have to do all the changing. So that means counselling, get control of your diabetes, and try and build a bigger life with friends.

Why do you keep on punishing yourself OP.

I'm sure your son would love it if you left him. He must know his dad is a shit dad and a shit husband and want you to spread your wings!
You deserve so much more op x
Ps you sound like an ace Mum btw! X

That sounds so bleak. My marriage was similar and I'm now getting divorced after 20 years of gloom. My son leaving home was the catalyst. I've now met someone else who is the exact opposite of my ex. Sounds like you should do the same, you deserve to be happy.

What made you marry him after 18 years of this?

rather than the usual you should leave as it's not really what I need to hear.

So what do you want to hear?

Yea, that's o.k. He's treated you and your (plural?) son like shit for 18 years, just get on with the next 18 too....?

Jesus wept.

Sorry you are going through this. Please find your strength to stand up to him and leave. Your son will thank you. So will your future self.

I say that as a LP with a grown-up son.

Why have you apparently ruled out leaving him? Are you financially dependent on him, or do you worry you'd have nowhere to live? It sounds at the moment as though you hardly have a life worth staying for - surely leaving would have to be an improvement? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with nobody to hug you or pay you a compliment, nobody to respond to you emotionally, nobody to be a proper partner for you in any meaningful sense of the word?

Find your happiness eleswhere if you choose to stay. Find more hobbies, do not look to him for compliments or affection. You know you won't get it from him.

I don't know how you actually bring yourself to have sex with him.

What do you think this shows your DS in terms of a healthy relationship and how women should be treated.

This is a contributory factor to why children brought up on these environments end up messed up in later life. He's seen you being treated like crap for years. It's very sad.

I struggled to leave a bad relationship, but what really helped was to imagine myself in the future and how I would feel if I didn't leave. I realised I would be really disappointed if I stayed. I did leave and never regretted it for a moment.

Can you explain why leaving isn't an option?

Thats such a sad post OP. Thats no life for you or your son and I cannot imagine why you think your life and happiness matters so little that you cannot leave. Please think again.

Choose life. You deserve more. It is possible to go it alone and enjoy, have fun and be appreciated - to choose how you want your life to be. It takes energy and resolve and strength I know but its absolutely worth it. Build up your strength, make a plan - and leave. Please OP.

It’s hard to offer any advice without knowing why, after 18 yrs of misery with him you decided to marry him rather than leave OP?
I had 17 rs of misery with my h but decided to leave and my life is better now. My h showed sociopathic traits ( I’m not diagnosing .. just pointing out these traits he had)... no empathy, no emotion, no shame , belittling others, avoiding responsibility and blaming everyone but himself while taking on role of victim. My older kids live with me now and are also happier because they don’t have to live with the toxic effect he had on the family as a whole. My only regret is not leaving earlier.
I am sorry you feel you have to carry on living with him

I also thought sounds like aspergers

Can I ask, whilst you knew all this about him, you married him??

OP's not coming back is she.....?

How do you see your future panning out? You'll be spending the rest of your life experiencing just the same things, as I can't imagine him changing after all these years. You're very distressed and deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you. Someone who is kind. I just don't know what the answer is for you at this stage, apart from the obvious. Would you be happy with him if he completely changed his attitude?

rather than the usual you should leave as it's not really what I need to hear.

Ok - so you won't leave

He won't change - I can promise you that

So my only possible suggestion is - learn to enjoy the bullying.

Can't see how you can.....but what else is there?

What do you want to hear ?

What a sad existence OP. I really feel for you. Like others have said, not sure what you expect people to say to you. Ending things isn't impossible so can't understand why its not an option.
We only have one life, please don't waste any more of yours. I feel like a wasted a few years with my ex when I should have left him years ago but I've done it now and its the best thing I ever did. It wasn't easy at the beginning but life is so much better now.

I also think he may have undiagnosed Aspergers. If you are unhappy, have you tried counselling? My h (66) and I (52) were having difficulties and found a rather good counsellor who thought my h may have Aspergers and it was like a veil lifted. I also have many on the spectrum traits but different to h. It all made sense and we are managing much better now I understand a bit better. Even if he won't go with you, it will be helpful for you. Incidentally I also have horses in my life and they keep me sane!