Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Marriage advice please 😬

21 replies

BoredOfItAll · 27/04/2018 19:03

Evening all. I’m looking for your thoughts please as I’m trying to make a decision which I just can’t make on my own. If I ask my friends then I know that their responses would be based on the fact that they know me and my husband and our children, and that advice wouldn’t be impartial.
So I’ve been married for over 10 years although we’ve been together since I was 20 - so that’s 22 years together. We have two children aged between 5 and 10.
My husband and I get on well and we have a good family unit, working reasonably well together to bring up the kids.
Problem is two-fold and I guess linked - we’ve not had sex for a number of years and I don’t fancy him anymore at all, I’m not in love with him.
I’m not looking for someone else as I’m now feeling cynical about relationships but I can’t bear the lack of intimacy anymore. It’s driving me crazy.
We’ve talked a bit about separating because of the lack of intimacy, but it is financially not really viable.
Is how I feel really a good enough reason to create a broken home for our children or am I just being selfish?

OP posts:

banannabreadforme · 27/04/2018 19:22

Do you want to separate? Does he? Is he still in love with you? Is he sexually attracted to you?
Perhaps it's worth going to see a marriage counselor to see what you both want for now and the the future so your both clear on each other's feelings

Original poster

BoredOfItAll · 27/04/2018 19:27

No we’ve said that we’re not in love with each other anymore.
We’re not attracted to each other.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 27/04/2018 19:31

If you’re not attracted to one another and have discussed this, does he know you can’t live without intimacy- how do you see yourselves overcoming that problem unless you split

You both have another 20 years in this state

fontofnoknowledge · 27/04/2018 19:32

If you both feel the same about each other then there is no reason not to stay together especially if it makes financial sense and you get on.
My first husband and I did this for 11 yrs. He definitely had shag interests outside the home in this time but I really didn't mind as I had stopped wanting sex with him.. we remain very good friends to this day.

The only reason things changed was because I met someone I did want to sleep with and be with permanently, so we had to divorce but by that time the kids were older anyway..

It is possible to successfully co parent BUT will never work if one still fancies the other. Unrequited love is very very painful and having that person constantly in your life , constantly rejecting you , is too horrible to cope with and will poison the whole atmosphere in the house. It's possible but only if you can talk honestly, have equal feelings and set some ground rules up about new relationships.

Justmuddlingalong · 27/04/2018 19:37

You've lived this way for a number of years already. You're both in agreement with the kind of relationship you expect from each other. If you are both truly content, carry on for now. You can re-evaluate things at any time.

Original poster

BoredOfItAll · 27/04/2018 19:47

I agree that we could probably carry on like this. But I don’t want to be left behind if he meets someone else or realise that I’m too old to be found attractive by someone else.
I don’t think we have much choice but to work through this and stay together.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 27/04/2018 19:47

OP - not many choices here, really -

open up the relationship and allow each other to get physical intimacy with others
separate

I guess - one more option - continue as is and be more and more unhappy.

Sorry

SandyY2K · 27/04/2018 20:31

You could both agree to an open marriage.

WeepingButterfli · 27/04/2018 20:42

I think you should really try to separate. If it's been like this for some time then realistically it won't improve and you're basically wasting your lives when you could find happiness and fulfillment elsewhere.

CommuterBlue · 27/04/2018 21:03

Work out a way to separate amicably putting the children first as co-parents, but you deserve your own happiness, and to be loved. Life's too short to be stuck in unhappy relationships. There is life after marriage. It may be difficult for the children at first but they'll benefit in the long term. I'm sure they'd prefer to see their parents happy and apart than together and sad.

HadronCollider · 27/04/2018 21:05

What contributed to the lack of sex? Sounds like, you had a good relationship, but things got stale when the children arrived. When you say you don't love him do you mean at all? Or just in the romantic sense? What has led to this lack of attraction?

Original poster

BoredOfItAll · 27/04/2018 21:33

What I know for sure is that the sex isn’t coming back into our relationship.
I just don’t know if that’s a good enough reason to end the relationship at this time.
It’s not as if I’d be looking for that immediately if we separate but at least I’d give myself half a chance of being in a more loving relationship at some point in my life. And for him too, to seek out someone who could make him happier.

OP posts:

HadronCollider · 27/04/2018 22:01

My personal opinion is that were your children younger I'd say split, but I think 10 is a sensitive age and if you get on well, I'd not break up. I wouldn't do it. I'd bide my time till they were both post A levels and accept I was making a sacrifice for my children, and get comfort from that. But of course you may feel differently. Either way its a decision with consequences you have to live with and not one that can be made without at least one person being less happy or making a sacrifice. Its just a question of how much you're willing to risk.

Whatever you decide, once the decision is made, don't question or look back.

Choosegopse · 27/04/2018 22:07

Is your house big enough for separate rooms? I think you can live very amicably as friends and co-parents and have sexual partners outside the relationship. As long as that is all clear and understood, with an option to talk about splitting if one of you meets someone else . But it sounds a bit like you want to split as you want a future partner . Ask yourself, if one of your kids came to you and asked if their happiness should come first what would you say? Would you want them to be in a loveless marriage? I’m guessing not. So be a role model and be brave.

Crunched · 27/04/2018 22:08

There is never a good age to split from the children's point of view though, is there?
The good news is, there is no age limit on being found attractive. My MIL has just been proposed to at 86.
Is counselling worth pursuing, even if it is just to plan a happy divorce?

Storm4star · 27/04/2018 22:15

It’s not as if I’d be looking for that immediately if we separate but at least I’d give myself half a chance of being in a more loving relationship at some point in my life. And for him too, to seek out someone who could make him happier.

I feel you’ve answered your own question. You still have hope for a loving relationship in the future. That’s not at all unreasonable, you deserve that, as does he. Open relationships are all about sex. I don’t think it’s “just” sex your looking for, hence I don’t think it would work. You can still be great parents to your kids, apart. There is never a “perfect” time to split up in a child’s life. However, judging from the experiences of my own and people I know, it seems to be the younger the better, more time to adjust.

Storm4star · 27/04/2018 22:16

My MIL has just been proposed to at 86.

This has made me smile, good for her 😊😊

DangerEgg · 27/04/2018 22:23

You can split amicably and co-parent and even have family time together - it'll be really hard work I imagine.

I'm in same predicament - I can't continue like this....DP would but for me the idea of never having sex again and trying to manage his constant financial fucks ups is awful. I'm getting counselling at the moment to help me work through some issues as I doubt I'd live with the guilt.

But OP, life is for living, not existing. You deserve happiness too.

I think if you worry about the kids as I do, would an open marriage work?

Original poster

BoredOfItAll · 28/04/2018 08:11

Yes, true, I guess that I know what I want in an ideal world but that would mean DH moving to somewhere suitable where the kids could go and stay in order for successful co-parenting. Financially that’s an impossibility.

OP posts:

DangerEgg · 28/04/2018 22:47

Yes, me too, my area is crazy expensive.

Cricrichan · 28/04/2018 23:18

Well, you could keep the family home and buy a flat and when your husband/stbxh sees the kids you can stay in the flat. Or both downsize? Or move? Anything has got to be better than how you're living now.

Flip